Hi, I'm Ron DeSantis, Passing Terrible Laws And Kidney Stones In Equal Measure

Florida's governor has a message for all you woke losers who won't acquiesce to his every impulse.

Hi folks. I’m Ron DeSantis, and I’d like to talk to you today about the horrors of judges using their place in America’s constitutional order to interpret laws that I, an infallible being of pure light standing up for Americans who are sick and tired of being pushed around by woke cultural Marxists, have gotten passed. Alleged place.

Also I’d like to talk to you about the horrors of kidney stones. I’ve been passing the same kidney stone since 2009, and also I naturally have the personality of the basement full of rats in Stephen King’s “Night Shift.” Also I’m from Florida.

Oooof. Boy, that stone just does not want to pass all the way through my ureter into my bladder and then out through my urethra the next time I pee. You’d think after thirteen years of this, maybe I’d get a break. But nope! It just sits there, causing immense agony that makes me want to die.

Anyway. You may have seen in the news on Thursday that an Obama-appointed Marxist (probably) judge suspended Florida’s Stop WOKE Act , a law that prohibits private employers in the state from engaging in any sort of diversity or antiracism training. Such training is designed in part to help people recognize systemic racial biases that have resulted in steep economic and social imbalances in American society.

This Marxist (probably) judge ruled the law unconstitutional on the grounds that the state cannot bar private companies from discussing certain concepts even if those concepts make white people like me uncomfortable. He said that if the state wants to argue that America is truly race-blind, we need to make that case instead of using the law to force other people to shut up.

Can you believe that? Telling the state of Florida that this law reverses the intent of the First Amendment, as if two and a half centuries of history mean something. The judge even compared our state to the “upside down,” which my staff tells me is a reference to a parallel dimension in some TV show on Netflix called Stranger Things. Is this right? I don’t know, I only hate-watch old episodes of Davey and Goliath . Talk about woke TV! Davey is always learning lessons about how racism is bad, and religious intolerance is bad, and how you should forgive bullies for being mean. Darned Lutherans.

  AAAAHHHHH GOD!(grabs side and slaps lectern) God, that is some pain! The Lord is really testing me by slowly shoving a barbed, calcified crystal the size of a large pebble through a narrow passageway in my body. Sometimes it feels as if the entire right side of my abdomen is being gored by a herd of angry elephants. For thirteen years.

Sure, there’s surgery. It’s called a ureteroscopy, and as I have been telling doctors and nurses and paramedics for over a decade, no one but Mrs. DeSantis is allowed to touch me (whispering) down there. And even that I only allow on every third national holiday. And never Martin Luther King Day, which I’ll be in the cold, cold ground before I recognize.

Where was I? Oh right. So this judge offered two examples. In one example, a company was sued after Black employees complained about mandatory safety trainings being scheduled on Juneteenth, which some of them had hoped to take off to celebrate slavery ending. Which, like, that was a hundred and fifty years ago, people don’t need to keep bringing it up, sheesh.

This company responded by having a woman in a gorilla suit walk into a safety training session and make (allegedly!) racist comments to all the Black employees about “big black butts” and “bananas” and telling the workers “Here’s your Juneteenth.” So the employees sued the company for creating a hostile work environment.

In the second example, a company made a white employee attend diversity training, where he had to watch a video about violence committed against Black people throughout history in order to perhaps understand the rage some may feel towards dominant white society.

The judge claims that according to the state of Florida, both of these scenarios are indistinguishable from each other. Which I don’t get. Black people were made uncomfortable by racism, and a white person was made uncomfortable by hearing about racism. Which is a form of reverse racism. What’s the confusion?

Of course I’m sweating! You try living in Florida! And being reminded that racism exists! And also spending thirteen years passing a jagged stone the size of a large oat cluster in a bowl of granola through your delicate innards! But mostly the racism thing.

Anyway, the judge wrote this:

 Telling your employees that concepts such as “normal” or “professional” are imbued with historically based racial biases is not — and it pains this Court to have to say this — the same as trapping Black employees in a room while a woman in a gorilla suit puts on a retaliatory, racially inflammatory performance the day before a holiday celebrating the end of slavery. Rather, it is speech protected by the First Amendment. 

Oh, does it “pain” the Marxist judge to lecture the state of Florida as if its governor who pushed for this law is a whiny, smug, mean jackass incapable of distinguishing between two clearly different situations? Well, I find it painful to listen! So there!

Oh God, does that hurt. It's as if there is an industrial-strength coin press machine snapping on my uretheter nonstop day after day after day. Sometimes I pray to the Lord for relief from this constant and total misery. I say to him, Lord, have I not been a good servant unto you? Have I not dedicated my career in public life to crushing liberals, to using the power of the state to enforce Your will on others, be it through outlawing abortion or stamping out wokeness or punishing baseball teams for disagreeing with me about gun violence? And yet you still see fit to visit this horror on me every waking moment of life?

No, he hasn't answered and the pain continues. Why do you ask?

[ Huffington Post ]

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