A Dog Bit Jesse Watters On The Peener And The Dog Was A Democrat Because Its Mom Had An Outback

No, this is not a commercial for Outbacks.

Nov 29, 2023

Does anybody want to talk about Jesse Watters last night suggesting that kids are dying in school — nay, that Black kids are beating white kids to death — somehow because of the teaching of critical race theory? Let’s just note that he said that and consider the timeslot he’s in, and that there’s probably a lot of pressure emanating from the very walls of the studio to be a babbling limp-dicked white supremacist during that hour. (A LOT of pressure.)

Instead, it’s the holidays, so we’ll talk about Jesse whimpering and crying this week because a dog bit him over Thanksgiving, awwwww.

He was out on some sort of trail Monday morning at the nature preserve, and he encountered a person, and they had a dog, and it bit him on the peener. Remember at all times during this video that it’s not about Jesse Watters being a jumpy chickenshit; it’s about Subarus and owning the libs or something.

He’s not being dramatic, YOU ARE DRAMATIC!

He said he’s used to this trail being empty, but not this time. We’ll pick up on the action there:

WATTERS: All of a SUDDEN this WOMAN starts approaching me on the TRAIL!

‘Kay. (He was making this ball-cuppy gesture with his hand, it was very “Jesse Watters” and affected and pissy.)

WATTERS: She kind of bellows nervously, “Good morning!”

Uh huh. Skip ahead. He said because the woman has a dog with her, “if anything I should be a little apprehensive.” ‘Kay. Big dog. Noted. And:

WATTERS: We’re on a tight part of the trail and I notice the dog’s all wet, and she’s like, “Oh, this my dog, you know, kind of wet, he just swam in the pond,” and I’m thinking, this is kind of crazy. You’re letting your dog swim in a pond, 37 degrees in a nature preserve? That’s my first clue.

If the dog was big and sopping wet, in all likelihood it took off jumping into the pond without its owner’s permission. We may legit be in a situation where somebody had generally poor control over their ill-behaved dog, if this is actually exactly how it happened. Those people are an absolute pain in the ass, and responsible dog owners agree because they put other dogs in danger too.

Not sure we all need to be subjected to Jesse’s primetime Fox News therapy sesh about it, though.

Also we bet she really said, “Oh, this is my dog, you know, kind of wet,” because that’s how people talk.

WATTERS: Second clue, woman’s kind of struggling to hold the dog on the leash. The dog comes by, and I’m trying to back up, just give her a little room, dog bites me. Twice. Nips my groin and takes a chunk out of my hand.

We are sorry. That sucks. Again, we are sure this is worth talking about on TV.

Watters showed everybody his hand, where the dog had taken a “chunk” out. All the chunks appeared to be present, but we all know the camera adds ten chunks, so maybe.

WATTERS: And I never like to show pain, I NEVER say “Ouch.”

Oh Jesus fuck, scratch a white MAGA man, immediately find his massive masculine insecurities.

The woman asked if he was OK:

WATTERS: She goes “OH! are you OK?” I said, “Well, I’m not BLEEDING, so I GUESS I’m OK, but I look like an IDIOT!”

Status quo, then. So much for that stray “chunk” of hand.

Watters went on an extended soliloquy about how nice of him it was to ask this woman if she was OK.

WATTERS: I mean, thank God she bit me. She didn’t bite someone litigious like Judge Jeanine. She would have been tied up in court for a year.

‘Kay.

If you think this whining has become tiresome, imagine how many people he’s told the story to off camera.

WATTERS: She’s like “Oh you know my dog gets so excited when he sees people.” Really, lady? You wanna see the hand again? It PUNCTURED the SKIN.

Not particularly, but oh lordy, we guess he’s showing us again.

Jesse attempted to make some “joke” about how it’s good the dog didn’t bite his right hand, because of some segment he needs his right hand for, we guess his chairborne senior citizen’s home viewers would know what he’s talking about. Of course, arguably this entire segment was little more than an extended use of Jesse’s right hand.

Finally:

WATTERS: I could tell she was a Democrat because when I pulled into the preserve in my car, there was a Subaru Outback. Dead giveaway. Plus, she didn’t recognize me.

One of the top-selling cars in America but Jesse thinks they’re gay. Also the woman at the park didn’t immediately recognize him as a famous MAGA celebrity and start blowing him or something, so we guess that’s the real reason we had to sit through this extended bitching session.

MORAL OF STORY: Jesse Watters saw a Subaru and a woman didn’t stand up when he entered the room. That’s the story here. The dog is just an extra.

Hey remember that time Jesse Watters said he deflated a woman’s tires to trick her into getting into his car and now that woman is his wife? Don’t know why we just thought about that in the context of this story, but there it is.

[h/t JoeMyGod]