A Sober [Hic!] Assessment Of Pete Hegseth’s First (Last?) Year As Defense Secretary
WARFIGHTER! WARFIGHTER! WARFIGHTER!
It’s abundantly clear at this point that history will record Pete “Secretary Shitfaced” Hegseth the most laughably out-of-his-league Defense secretary in American history, and most likely also of any other country that’s ever existed.
He was unqualified when Donald Trump saw him on Fox & Friends Weekend and popped a geriatric stiffy, he was unqualified when he lied his way through his confirmation hearing, when he (maybe) lied to Megyn Kelly and promised that PRETTY PLEASE IF YOU JUST LET ME BE THE BOSS OF THE PENTAGON I WILL NEVER GET BLACKOUT DRUNK, NO NEVER [HIC] AGAIN!
He was an absolute joke when he started (maybe) drunk-texting war plans over Signal, and he’s an absolute fucking joke now as he’s prematurely ejaculating his loser whiskey dick all over boats full of random innocents in the Caribbean and Pacific.
We see it in how embarrassing it is every time he tries to talk foreign policy on the public stage, in his pathetic, insecure, basic bitch white supremacy, his pathetic, insecure, basic bitch misogyny, his pathetic, insecure, basic bitch homophobia and transphobia. We see it in the way he called all the generals back from all over the world — AKA all these people who outrank him — so he could talk to them about HAIRSTYLES … just … good fucking Christ. His preening, my God.
Oh yeah, and then there are the pullups.
And the credible rape allegations, let’s not forget about those.
Nobody has ever said “Well done, my good and faithful servant” to this loser, and no one ever will.
And at the end of 2025, what we want the record to reflect is that everything that’s happening now, we knew, and Tammy Duckworth knew, and current and former Pentagon staffers and generals knew. Everybody knew this shitfaced, Christian Nationalist little bitch who didn’t have a whole lot of Big Boy Military Experience, who had never managed any group bigger than an Applebees (as Duckworth memorably said), whose “expertise” pretty much begins and ends with the military’s shaving regulations, who had been credibly accused of rape and paid the woman off to make her go away, everybody knew he wasn’t up for this job.
Remarkably, he’s managed to be even more disappointing on the job, which is something he’s probably heard from more than one person in authority over him over the course of his life.
What has this looked like throughout 2025? These headlines pretty much tell the story.
Pete Hegseth, THIS IS YOUR LIFE (at least the most loser-bitch-y soft-dicked year of it so far, AKA 2025):
JANUARY:
Pentagon Debates What To Do About Illegal Orders From Cadet Bone Spurs
LIVE: Pretty Early In The Morning For A Confirmation Hearing! Is Pete Hegseth Sober?
Is Pete Hegseth’s Nomination In Danger Again, Or Are These Latest Allegations Also Totally Fine?
Pete Hegseth Already So Good At Pentagon-ning, He Doesn’t Even Need Drinks!
FEBRUARY:
Putin Dead At 72 From All The Orgasms Trump And Pete Hegseth Gave Him Yesterday
Sounds Like Secretary Sh*tfaced Needs To Come On Home And Resign
So What Kinds Of Illegal Orders Is Pete Hegseth Planning On Obeying?
MARCH (a big month for him!):
Pentagon Disappears Non-White Military Photos Like A Common Joe Stalin
What Are We Shoving Into The ‘DEI’ Memory Hole Today? Navajo Code Talkers!
Is Elon Getting Top Secret China War Briefing Today, Or Is That ILLEGAL LEAK OF LIES?
What’s Secretary Of Defense Boozehole Up To This Week?
Worst. Security. Breach. Ever. 🤯
THOSE War Plans? Pete Hegseth Didn’t Know You Meant THOSE [hic] War Plans
A Congressman Asked If Pete Hegseth Was Drunk Texting That Day, And John Ratcliffe Is MAAAAAAAD
‘Pete Hegseth Is A F*cking Liar’ And Other True Updates About Signal-Gate
Pentagon Starting To Leak About What A Loser F*ckup Pete Kegseth Really Is
Why Is Pete Hegseth Bringing His Third Wife To Sensitive Security Meetings?
APRIL:
Pentagon Will Suspend Every Leaker Who Reveals That Hegseth Is Complete Buffoon!
Pete Hegseth’s Pentagon Still Very Well-Lubricated We Mean Oiled [Hic!] Machine
Secretary Sh*tfaced Couldn’t Wait 10 MINUTES To Pull Down Pants And Show Family His War Plans
WHO’S A Pretty Princess Defense Secretary? WHO’S A Pretty Princess Defense Secretary?
Screamin’ Pete Hegseth Lucky This Old Admiral Didn’t *Lay Him Out*
Pete Hegseth Not At All Paranoid About His Job, WHO TOLD YOU HE WAS PARANOID???
Secretary Sh*tfaced Drives Car Into Woke Women’s Law Written By, Ummmmm, Kristi Noem And Marco Rubio
MAY:
Secretary Sh*tfaced Ain’t Need No Generals, He’s Nailing This All By Himself!
Pentagon Decrees Trans Military Members Out Themselves And Leave ‘Voluntarily,’ Or Get Witch-Hunted
Pete Hegseth Pentagon Chaos: Allegations Of Fake Wiretaps, Cocaine, And Giant Dumps
JUNE:
Secretary Sh*tfaced Orders Renaming Of USNS Harvey Milk, Because He’s A Little Bitch
Pete Hegseth Can’t Hire Employees Because Everyone Hates Him
Gavin Newsom: ‘Pete Hegseth Is A Joke.’ MORE LIKE THIS, PLEASE, DEMOCRATS.
Lawlessness! Chaos! Incompetence! Bribe Plane! Greenland? Congress Demands Answers From Hegseth
Trump So Mad Secretary Shitf*ced (And The Troops) Ruined His Birthday Parade
CHRIST, Pete Hegseth Is An Emotional Drunk We Mean Sober Guy
JULY:
What Happened To Weapons For Ukraine, Mr. Trump? Ask Secretary Sh*tfaced! (Again.)
Pete [Hic!] Hegseth’s Underlings Still Slapfighting In The War Room
Secretary Sh*tfaced Having Embarrassing Week, But Don’t Worry, Next Week Might Be Worse
Secretary Sh*tfaced Might Want To Be GOVERNOR Sh*tfaced?
AUGUST:
Pete Hegseth’s Little Brother Wrote Memo About Military Occupying America, Oops It Leaked
Pete Hegseth’s Spiritual Leader Not Real Big On Women Having Rights, Imagine That
Pete Hegseth Reassures Conservative White Men It’s OK To Be Scared Of Washington DC
Let’s Talk About Pete Hegseth’s Very Good Pull-Ups
SEPTEMBER:
Trump And Secretary Sh*tfaced Blew Up A Little Bitty Boat, Ooh Big Men! Big Men!
Drunky Pill-Pusher Rep. Ronny Jackson Got His Old Navy Rank Back, Thanks Secretary Sh*tfaced!
We Hereby Rename Department Of Defense ‘Department Of Pete Hegseth’s Microdick Situation’
Hegseth Summons Entire Military Leadership For In-Person Lecture, Shots
It’s Pete Hegseth’s Big Day! Let’s Talk About His BIG TEMPY TANTWUMS!
That Pete Hegseth Speech Could’ve Been A Spam Email For Boner Pills
OCTOBER:
Here Are Your Clips Of Late Night Audiences Laughing At Loser Pete Hegseth
Only One Network Has Signed Hegseth’s Knob-Slobbing Journalist Pledge, Three Guesses
Pentagon And Troops Better Watch Pete Hegseth Prance And Preen For The Generals, OR ELSE!
Admiral In Charge Of War With Venezuela Retires For Reason Of F*ck This Sh*t
Pete Hegseth’s Marine Party Such A Blast It Exploded Shrapnel Onto JD Vance’s Motorcade
With Two New Attacks In Pacific, Trump’s War-Crime Boat Murders Go Bicoastal-Curious
Right-Wing Media Now Openly Discussing What A Total Loser Pete Hegseth Is
NOVEMBER:
Did Pete Hegseth See A Girl In The Navy SEALs And It Made His Weenus Shrink?
Hegseth Announces ‘Operation Normal-Sized Wanglet,’ It’s A WAR Thing, You Wouldn’t Understand
Dems Telling Troops To Disobey Illegal Orders, And Trump’s Nazis Are Flipping Their Sh*t
Whiskeydick Pete Hegseth Court-Martialing Mark Kelly For Not Doing A Sedition
DECEMBER:
What’s The Legal Term For Pete Hegseth’s Latest (Alleged) Violent F*ckup? Congress To Investigate!
Hegseth Now Distancing Self From Colossal F*ckup He Was Just Bragging About
Ssecretary Of WAR [Sic!] Pete Hegseth [Hic!] Struggling To Get Boat Murder Story Straight, Day Four
You Got Your War Crimes In My Murder! You Got Your Murder In My War Crimes!
Jesse Watters Really Getting Off On Pete Hegseth’s Whiskey Wing-Wang Boat Murder Pornos
Pentagon, Wingnut Press Band Together To Hide Their Erotic Reading Material
That’s PETE HEGSETH’S Boat Murder Jerkoff Porno Movie, YOU CAN’T WATCH IT
Whew. And that’s not even a comprehensive list.
Need a bonus? I wrote a few times about him at my other place this year, too!
THE MORAL HIGH GROUND ALSO MAKES FUN OF SECRETARY SHITFACED!
Trump And Hegseth Scream ‘DEI!’ To Hide What Total Losers They Really Are
Pete Hegseth Takes Turn Defiling The Very Act Of Prayer
Pete Hegseth’s Pervy Christian Nationalist Daddy Goes To Washington
OK now the list is really over.
Man, if that was the story of a year in our life, we’d have one question, and it would be “Mom, was there really no Planned Parenthood in your town the year I was born?”
Will Pete Hegseth survive another year as Defense secretary? Will he fall off the wagon? Has he already? Was he ever really on the wagon?
Dunno, but thank God America’s fascists are this fucking clownass incompetent. It gives decent people a fighting chance, at least.
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Zohran Mamdani will be sworn in as mayor of New York City at one minute after midnight tonight on a Quran.
And on this note, we're just about ready to head off for a holiday party. Happy New Year, Wonkers!