A Spooky Scary World Without Wonkette

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Pressure skeleton of terrifyingness, granddaughter Lu.

That was some jive-ass clickbait wasn’t it!

Wonkette is not going anywhere. You will pry these pixels from our cold dead hands.

But you know what we haven’t done in a long-ass time? YELLED AND CUSSED YOU in demands to GIVE US MONEY. Sheeeit, we used to do it every month! But then we moved to Substack, got a chunk more subscribers, and it seemed unseemly to keep coming at you with our hobo hat in our raggedy hand in EVERY POST like *cough cough oh this? nothing, it’s just us dying OF CONSUMPTION, NAKED, IN THE STREETS*, like every other newsletter I’m subscribed to (MOSTLY) does. We were fine! Plus you had other people needing your money, like Kamala Harris and also every Democrat who ever lived, plus all those scam PACs in your text messages, driving you crazy.

Well our turn again, bitches! A big annual renewal day just came up, and a big chonk of you dropped your paid subscriptions — which, we reiterate, you are always allowed to do! GUILT-FREE! and thank you for being generous world citizens and subscribing in the first place! — so it would be great if some non-subscribing-so-far people picked up a bit of that load.

Don’t be mad when that subscribe button asks you to subscribe to like a thousand other people, just click no and keep moving. It’s fine!

I want to hire Marcie.

Also? I want to hire Marcie. Please help me hire Marcie. She deserves a slick bitch paycheck and health insurance and the good bennies Wonkette showers on its kick-ass full-time writers Robyn, Evan, and Doktor Zoom. Is Marcie NOT AS GOOD AS THEY ARE? DOES SHE NOT DESERVE A LIVING WAGE? And do I not deserve a smart funny woman who writes so fast and would make my life so much easier! Don’t you want my life to be easier? I hardly yell at you at all when my life is easier! So that’s a yes!

There is also a second person I would like to hire full-time, but she is a secret, she has a jerb already, and I want to lure her away, and you would like it. Anyway, you should probably give me “hire two more people” money while we’re settling up here.

This button here is for one time donations OR a recurring donation in any amount of your choosing! (The substack subscription only allows $8 a month OR $120 or more per year.) PS I have now fixed this button, GRR ARGH.

Why you should give Wonkette money again?

Right! So! You do not even have to give Wonkette money to get anything for yourself. As long as I own it, all its content, all its comments, will be free. I will not have classes of people in my readership who get something other people don’t, for money. GROSS!

But maybe you get your news here because we’re funny. And nice. And terrible. And SO MEAN. And we’re really really really really fucking smart and educated on all these bullshits! And maybe you even hang out in the comments with other terrible people like you.

Maybe you don’t comment, and you hardly even read anything here — 10 to 12 posts a day is A LOT — but goddammit, you like that we’re here when you need us. Like say Donald Trump does a little violent revolution again, where’s the first place you’re headed? No, not Canada. Wonkette. Who’s here, grimly and or hysterically in the shit? Fuckin’ US. You should probably subscribe.

Or through the paypal! Like I said before!

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Keep us going another year!

I am a good amount of confident that this election is going to wrap up nicely for decency, humanity, and morals (good morals, like “feed people who are hungry” and shit). And when we get Kamala Harris in the White House, a lot of people are going to think the danger has passed and they can stop paying attention again. And that’s allowed!

But somebody’s going to have to, because that’s the thing about these fuckers: You think something’s been settled — like “being gay is fine and we should be nice to children,” say, and also “women are allowed to vote” — and then all of a sudden it’s bomb threats at children’s hospitals and Project 2025 wants to disenfranchise Grandma. These people never ever fucking stop.

So pay us to watch it all for you, and to be here in the meantime, and come back to hear all about it when shit goes south.

Or this one too also! Fixed so it’s now one time OR monthly!

You guys wanna see some cute pictures from the zoo? Okay!

We used to put new pictures of our baby, Donna Rose, up EVERY WEEK to make you give us money — it was a whole, exploitative thing! And oh how it worked! — but then she got school-aged and it got weird. So this is a VERY SPECIAL OCCASION of awwwwwww pix of Donna Rose, Donna’s friend Chloe, and Lu.

But what if you are poor?

STOP IN THE NAME OF THE LAW and DO NOT GIVE US MONEY. You should still subscribe for free though, your inbox isn’t going to fill itself, lol just kidding, of course it is.

The end.