All the Rich NYC Things We Can't Do

Unless we are the Mayor or Shiv Roy!

Think of all the things you can’t afford to do here! King of Hearts via Wikimedia Commons

I am tired, I have the flu, and I needed a flight of fancy to walk me into the weekend. If you’re in the mood for a puff piece about a puff piece, THIS is the post for you.

You ready for cotton candy bullshit? Great! Here we go!

Being fancy in New York City seems interesting, no? I mean really fancy, as per “Behind the Gates of a Private World for Only the Wealthiest New Yorkers,” the latest in a series of perhaps 500000 articles Thee New York Times has ever published about really rich New Yorkers and the really rich stuff they do.

Kudos to scrivener Eliza Shapiro for this chef’s kiss of a simple lede: “It’s a great time to be rich in New York City.” Now here is an opening sentence so perfectly, hilariously crafted as to get people like me to keep reading out of desire, envy, sloth, or some mixture of the three!

Don’t worry, Mayor Eric Adams shows up in the article. (Also, please read Gary’s amazing piece about how the mayor’s 25-year-old wunderkind fundraiser had to deal with the immense inconvenience of an FBI raid on her Brooklyn home last week.)

Now, on to the luxury!

Everyday life is increasingly unaffordable for most New Yorkers, but a new class of private, members-only and concierge services is emerging as a kind of gated community within the city.

Ultraexclusive clubs, laundry specialists, on-demand helicopter rides and services that allow users to bid hundreds of dollars for a restaurant reservation are transforming how those with lots of disposable income eat dinner, work out, see the doctor, look after their children, walk their dogs and get around — all without really having to interact with hoi polloi. […] Even the mayor’s favorite haunt is a members-only club.

Adams apparently spends a lot of time at Zero Bond in Noho, which costs $3,850 a year and requires a $1000 initiation fee. While still more expensive than a membership to Soho House in the Meatpacking District ($2,667.00 annually plus a one-time $1,088.75 initiation fee), it’s actually relatively affordable when compared to some of the other exclusive joints mentioned in the piece. From the Zero Bond website:

While we do not discriminate based on race, socioeconomic status, or profession, we are highly particular on character. We will only accept members that display a high level of integrity and demonstrate an ability to contribute to our Zero Bond community.

Please don’t let Turkey take this away from our beloved (LOLOLOL) mayor! (Here’s a recent HAWT TAKE on Adams and the many white men who loved him, by Stephen.)

Also, I love how private fancy clubs evaluate one’s character and also probably still would let in every single member of the Roy family AND the Usher family as interpreted by Mike Flanagan in his excellent Netflix adaptation of King Goth Daddy Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher.

Now let’s learn more about other very rich person stuff in NYC.

Keeping track of large staffs and several homes can, of course, be challenging. Some families hire an estate manager or chief of staff to run logistics and scheduling, and an experienced hand can make up to $350,000 a year…

This is fair. If I had to coordinate horrible little family dinners between Shiv, Roman, Kendall, Connor, and my beloved BRIAN FUCKING COX (I just always think of him as BRIAN FUCKING COX), I feel I would earn that $350K and then some.

Now I found this amazing.

While staff members can help handle pets, some New Yorkers prefer to send their dogs on daily hikes, often in wooded upstate areas where pets can run free. A private hike can cost $250 a day through the service Shape Up Your Pup, including a “report card” summarizing the adventure. The occasional group hike goes for $145 a day.

I love cats and dogs, I really do. But if I had billions like that guy in the show Billions, would this be how I spent it? No! If I were so very into dogs that I felt a $250 private hike were worth it, I’d just frigging retire from my job to be a full-time pro bono dog walker for anybody who needed it!

Let’s keep judging. Do I have a fever? Maybe!

Sollis Health, which bills itself as the country’s first and only concierge emergency care provider, opened two Manhattan locations this year alone, and one in the Hamptons in 2021.

Memberships, which start at $3,500 annually and increase to $6,000 for those over 45, include same-day appointments, on-site lab testing and round-the-clock virtual care. House calls cost extra. Sollis is an “out-of-network provider,” according to its website, and is not enrolled in Medicare.

If we lived in a country where good healthcare were accessible to all, this would not make me angry in the least. I’m thinking of New Zealand and Norway as examples, though I know all mass healthcare systems are inevitably flawed. But my understanding is that in countries like that, you can get very good public care, or you can spend money on private care, whatever.

But as it is, and maybe it’s because I’m loopy from the flu at the moment, this part made me mad.

This, on the other hand, is just wildly amusing.

The Aman in New York, which is known as the city’s most expensive hotel, opened in 2022 with an in-house members’ club, which requires a $200,000 initiation fee and $15,000 in annual dues. The interiors are a “sumptuous cocoon of exquisite textures,” according to Town and Country, which likened the vibe to a mix of Bali and Tokyo.

A $200,000 initiation fee plus $15,000 in annual dues and nobody is guaranteeing me I cum rainbows every time I walk through the fucking door? WHAT?! I don’t care if it’s a mix of Bali and Tokyo or my personal favorite destinations, LaGuardia Terminal B and Wegmans Grocery — get the fuck out of here with that shit.

Anyway, rich people are very rich, I probably require a sumptuous cocoon of exquisite Tamiflu, and honestly if I had the money I’d join Soho House because I’m a piece of shit. Enjoy your weekend. If you belong to one of these clubs, definitely invite me. I’ll be the fun one stealing toiletries.