An Open Letter To RFK Jr. From The Whale Head On The Roof Of His Minivan
An Open Letter To RFK Jr. From The Whale Head On The Roof Of His Minivan
RFK Jr. says he's under investigation for that weird thing he did 30 years ago.
Hey, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Long time no see! I haven’t laid my dead eyes on you since you were keeping me in a freezer in your garage back during the Clinton administration. I want you to know I feel very badly about all your troubles. My God, you chainsaw the head off of one whale, and hippies have to make a federal case out of it.
No, literally in your case, you chainsawed me off of a dead whale and drove 300 miles with me bungee-corded to your roof, and now, finally, someone has asked federal authorities to investigate you over it. Simply because there is a chance that you violated a couple of measly little federal laws designed to protect America’s wildlife from being violently sliced up by chainsaw-wielding lunatics.
Obviously this is persecution of a political opponent by the federal government led by Joe Biden. We know this because RFK said it, therefore it must be true.
I wouldn’t have even know about this if you hadn’t talked about it in public in front of reporters from NBC News:
Kennedy said that he responded in a letter, baselessly linking the National Marine Fisheries Service with whale deaths and calling for the agency to investigate.
"This is all about the weaponization of our government against political opponents," he said.
No, it’s about whether or not you violated federal law by chainsawing the head off a fucking whale, strapping it to the roof of your minivan, and speeding down a highway for five hours while your children allegedly placed plastic bags over their heads with slots cut out around their mouths so they could breathe, while my piquant juices ran down into the car.
Why RFK’s children didn’t simply roll up the windows seems to have been unaddressed in the original telling of this whale tale. Not that doing so would have made the whole thing any less fucking weird.
Actually, why RFK’s children didn’t throw a screaming fit and refuse to get in a car that had me, the head of a dead whale, strapped to the roof is beyond me. Just say, “Dad, what if one of our friends sees us with bags over our heads to keep from inhaling the entrails of the whale’s head you are making us travel with? We’ll never hear the end of it at school on Monday!”
Then you flat-out make your dad choose, you or the head of the dead whale. Though I get why you wouldn’t want to risk him choosing the whale, it was probably 50-50 which way he’d go.
Still, some effort certainly would have been appreciated, not just by other motorists but also by me, the head your father chainsawed off a dead whale.
God, we entertain you little shits with all those Free Willy movies and this is the thanks we get.
Please do tell me more about this persecution, RFK, you adorable little weirdo, and try to keep in mind that it is happening because you drove 300 miles through New England with me strapped to the roof of your Dodge Caravan, so obviously you’re the real victim here:
"I received a letter from the National Marine Fisheries Institute saying that they were investigating me for collecting a whale specimen 20 years ago," Kennedy said during a campaign event for former President Donald Trump in Glendale, Arizona[.]”
It was actually 30 years ago, in 1994, according to the account of your daughter, who first told this story in a profile in Town & Country in 2012. I know she’s right because 1994 was the summer I got really into Belly and had Star on repeat for months. In fact, I was so busy singing along to “Feed the Tree” at the top of my lungs while chowing down on a huge school of krill that I didn’t even notice that container ship bearing down on me. Which is how I wound up dead on a beach in Hyannis Port in the first place.
Some free advice for you, Bobby: if you’re going to scoff at the length of time gone by since you cut my head off in an effort to minimize your behavior, 30 years makes the government sound even more, uh, overbearing.
Of course there may not be a statute of limitations on this crime, if you committed a crime in the first place, but that’s why you have investigations. Now, personally I’m betting you can figure out where I come down on this question, but whales didn’t get to help write the Marine Mammal Protection Act. So the language might be a little vaguer than we’d like.
On the other hand, who would have ever thought up this scenario? Weirdo chainsaws head off dead whale because he wants to take it back to his house and study it, thanks to his amateur interest in … whatever the hell you were interested in. Animal carcasses, apparently. Boy, would I like to get together with that bear corpse you dumped in Central Park that one time. I bet we could trade some stories!
I sure hope this doesn’t hurt your efforts to get that sociopath Donald Trump elected leader of the free world again. Unless he’s planning on making you the head of NOAA. In which case, I hope you get fucked.
Kisses,
That head you chainsawed off a dead fucking whale.
[NBC News]
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If they had rolled down the windows the liquid would have come into the car.
Oh wait he would not turn on the AC?
He had the bungies going thru the windows, around the car.
Pretty sure they had to drive with the windows down because RFK doesn't believe in air conditioning. One more of those modern scientific inventions that were seemingly created to improve life but are actually fucking with your biology on some unprovable level.
Also? The stuff running down into the car was dead whale brain juice. Mammalian brains liquefy very quickly after death. But there's no way that's a health threat, right?