Florida GOP Hopeful Feels Personally Attacked By Rainbows
Why are there so many songs about rainbows? To ruin Anthony Sabatini's day.
Back in the 1980s and early '90s, a great many cartoon villains found themselves and their evil plans thwarted by the power of the rainbow. Murky Dismal stood no chance at turning the world dark and gray if Rainbow Brite had anything to say about it. And anyone who crossed the Care Bears ran the risk of of getting caught in the infamous Care Bear stare.
Perhaps this is just one reason why the absolute worst people in the country are freaking the fuck out about rainbows these days. Well, that and they’re violent homophobes and transphobes.
On Friday, activist Lauren Windsor shared a video to Twitter of Anthony Sabatini, the chairman of the Lake County (Florida, natch) Republicans who is currently running for Congress, giving a truly bizarre speech about how Pride month and rainbows are “anti-Christian hate speech.” Because it’s anti-Christian for LGBTQ+ people either to exist or to not hate themselves.
He said:
“There’s a Great Reset going on. And I say, well, if you look around, really, I think the Great Reset is a gay reset. I mean, if you look at Pride Month, that’s pretty much, like, the whole program.
“What can we do about Pride Month? Right? Because a lot of people are like ‘Well, it’s annoying, it’s annoying that there’s a Pride month, but there’s really nothing we can do.’
“Or worse, more impotently, I hear people say ‘I just don’t shop during Pride Month. You know. I just don’t shop. I should just avoid that.’ Right.
“And this is the historic defense mindset of the Republican Party, which is avoid, defend, deflect, walk away, ignore. And we can’t do that anymore. We have to end Pride Month, Okay?
“We have to crush Pride Month. It has to go away. And I know what you’re thinking. ‘Well it’s like private sector, private sector business.’
“‘I learned in my 1980s sort of neocon Heritage Guide that private sector businesses can do whatever they want. We’re not supposed to do anything on that. We’re just supposed to ignore that.’ No, no, no, no, no.
“It’s time to crush Pride Month and the businesses that promote that toxic anti-American garbage.”
Sabatini then suggested that Florida could make it immediately illegal for any county, school board, city commission or any local entity to spend any money on Pride. He whined about the city of Mount Dora spending “tens of thousands of dollars” on rainbow banners up and down the street, which I suppose we can assume were fashioned out of vicuna wool, and said it should be made immediately illegal to spend any taxpayer dollars on Pride.
Then he said that he wanted to replace Pride Month like Republicans were supposed to repeal and replace Obamacare.
“First we need to crush Pride Month,” he continued. “We need to bend our civil rights laws to make it actionable legally for when they do do that because it’s an anti-Christian hate symbol.”
That is where the video ends, so we don’t get to know what he planned to replace Pride month with, but given his fear of rainbows, we can assume it is beige.
Sabatini also failed to explain how it is an anti-Christian hate symbol. Perhaps because it reminds people like Anthony Sabatini that their version of Christianity means hating a whole class of people and they would like all of those people to disappear so that they don’t have to feel like the gross bigots they are? Is it that he thinks that people who do not subscribe to his version of his religion are still required to adhere to its tenets? Truly, it’s not clear.
But he’s not the only one who is afraid of Rainbows. The Wisconsin teacher who was told that her elementary school students would not be allowed to sing a Miley Cyrus/Dolly Parton song called “Rainbowland,” about a utopian land where everyone is happy and can be themselves, because rainbows are “controversial,” was fired this week on the grounds that posting about it on social media made the school look bad. Which, you know, it was.
"Ms. Tempel deliberately brought negative attention to the school district because she disagreed with the decision as opposed to following protocol and procedure and I believe that behavior is intolerable," Waukesha School District Superintendent James Sebert, who has been accused by the Alliance for Education in Waukesha of a pattern of discriminating against LGBTQ+ students, said at the hearing.
So far this year, there have been zero reports of anyone actually being murdered by a rainbow.
OPEN THREAD!
There appears to have been some misunderstanding by at least a couple people, and if I know how the internet works, when 2 people misunderstand a piece of writing publicly, that means that hundreds more misunderstood it without opening their phone's virtual touch-screen keyboard and removing all doubt.
So for clarity, and with no malice for all y'all and your beautiful, butter-holding waffletaints, etymologically the name "Crip Dyke" of necessity means, if I may borrow from the storied linguists in ivory towers everywhere,
> "She who is either snarky as fuck, and thus whose words are not to be trusted, or is writing an angry rant 14,000 words long that she expects every random commenter to read, take entirely literally, upvote, and contemplate over wine and samosas at your next team building day in the mint chutney mines, or, possibly, both." <
Thus when I said that Vileaxxe and I were having a Wonkmeet in October and none of you filthy fuckaducks were invited, what I meant was not,
> "Vileaxxe and I are generously organizing a community event in October to which you are all welcome to come, but I am sarcastically saying you are not welcome so that you will be reverse-psychology forced to actually attend and thus make me feel like my hard work is appreciated and valued." <
What I actually meant was
> "Vileaxxe and I have been flirting like hormonally deranged adolescents for weeks now, but this past week Vile has finally decided that internet sexxxytimes are not sufficient and she's going to fly over to my corner of the world and slip me the silicone bones of several sizes in several holes until I am desperately dehydrated or desperate to be dehydrated or desperate but also dehydrated or possibly all of those things, which will be quite the respectable spectacle, but I am afraid, dear readers, that you cannot visit since judging by our heretofore mentioned hormonal derangement WE WILL HAVE NO TIME FOR YOU BECAUSE OF THE THINGS THAT WERE POSSIBLY TOO OBSCURELY METAPHORICAL BUT WERE ACTUALLY MEANT TO INDICATE WE WOULD BE HAVING SEX IN A PRIVATE ROOM WHERE YOU ARE NOT WELCOME." <
Please understand that we both love this whole community dearly, and could not hold our Trix in higher esteem. That said, REBECCA, unless you are going to station Shy Pixel in the kitchen for the making of biscotti on demand and then slowly, patiently seducing your way into the most seismically consequential meeting since Krakatoa of two silicone boners who despite talking a big game would be kinda embarrassed and nervous about suddenly having a third person in their lube-stained bed at the Holiday Inn Express (shut up, HIX hotel suites do to have kitchens for cooking fresh biscotti and I have not lost entire track of this here metaphor), then, REBECCA, even your august self is not welcome to this particular SEX CRAZED WONKMEET FOR TWO.
I mean, you could try to drive your Wonkabego over here and sidle your way into our good but libidinous graces, but the moment you go to the luxurious HIX bathroom we'd probably just commandeer the Wonkabego and lock you out of it just to get some sexy silicone bone on, and given our infamous slovenliness probably not even clean up all the lube when we leave. We don't want that to happen, not least because we do not want to be the ones answering to Donna Rose, "What is all this slippery transparent stuff what is all over the Wonkabego and why does it smell like strawberry-kiwi?" Also besides too, this shit is going to be so hormonal that no one within the seven mile exposure limit will be approved to play high school sports for ANY GENDER AT ALL for, like, fourteen months because they just won't know where to put you will all those sex hormones all over the place.
STAY HOME, TRIX. STAY. STAY.
This has been your public service clarification on how October is not so much the month for "Wonkmeet" as it is the month for "Silicone Bone" and Vileaxxe and I would appreciate it very much if you stayed away and maybe took the 7 year old to a movie or something that lasts a few hours, but please don't install your nanny spy cams, you perverts. This is a very private affair. To the extent you find out any information about it at all, you will be limited to to just a few curated facts in the Wonkette comments and the 112 hour PornHub documentary to be released as soon as the CGI computers left over from de-aging Harrison Ford for Indiana Jones figure out "make Crip Dyke pretty".
I do hope this clarifies what was, and what was not, reliable information in the previous comment that was not actually made about a "Wonkmeet" in the mythical land of "October" which sounds delightful but is actually TOO DAMN MANY WEEKS AWAY.
Yours truly, yada yada yada, Esquire ... and SCENE
Jeebus H. Christ at a gay club foam party...
What rock do these idiots keep crawling out from under?