Are You Ready To Find True Love On Joel Webbon's Christian Nationalist Arranged Marriage Site?
How many goats are YOU (or your child) worth?
Are you looking for romance? Or for some goats? Trying to get your kids to move out? Do you have a daughter you just really, really hate? Well!! Theobro Joel Webbon has something for you.
It’s not so much a dating site as it is an arranged marriage site. Yes, an arranged marriage site. Where weird Christian parents can make profiles for their “sexually pure” children and look at profiles of other people’s “sexually pure” children, and talk to them about marrying those children off to one another. It is called Covenant, and encourages “covenant marriage,” a form of marriage legally available in only three states: Arizona, Arkansas, and Louisiana.
Basically it is a form of marriage it is more contractually difficult to leave — where divorce is not allowed unless there is adultery, abuse, or abandonment for more than a year. It’s the kind of marriage enjoyed by Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who you may recall has a very normal agreement with his own son to monitor one another’s porn-watching … through an app called “Covenant Eyes.”
It’s all coming together!
To be fair, this sort of service certainly makes sense from Temu Matt Walsh’s perspective, as a man who believes women should not be allowed to be in public.
It’s probably quite hard to meet women when they are not allowed to leave the radiators they are chained to (for Jesus).
But it’s not without rules! As mentioned, it’s for virgins only, and they “expect participants to pursue sexual purity before marriage and reject fornication, adultery, or any immoral relationships.”
Also too: “all matches must be biblically aligned, rejecting any unequally yolked [sic] parnerthip [sic]. We stand on the inerrant Word of God.” Inerrant, indeed.
Now, it’s a relatively new service, so they don’t have any testimonials yet … except for the ones they wrote themselves.
“Covenant Matches didn’t just help us find each other—it helped us find a God-honoring path to marriage,” said entirely non-existent couple Sarah & Daniel Whitaker. “From the beginning, our [imaginary] families were prayerfully involved, and we were encouraged to pursue purity, wisdom, and intentionality. We never felt like we were just dating—we were preparing for covenant. In a world that devalues marriage, Covenant Matches reminded us of its eternal worth.”
“As a mother, I had prayed for years that my daughter would meet a man who shared her faith and valued biblical commitment,” said fictitious mother Rachel Evans. “Covenant Matches gave us the structure and support to walk through courtship as a family. Watching my daughter marry a godly man, after months of prayer, counsel, and community, was an answer straight from heaven. This isn’t matchmaking—it’s ministry."
They also don’t have any users yet, but once they do, they won’t use pictures, because actual pictures are far too worldly. Rather, they will use Jesus-approved cartoon avatars. Like this one of “Sarah,” who appears to be a 12-year-old girl.
Sarah is “a joyful homemaker-in-training who honors biblical womanhood, Sarah trusts her parents and the Lord to lead her into a covenant marriage. Sarah has always lived with her parents,” like most middle schoolers.
Run, Sarah, run.
We’ve also got John, “a diligent young man rooted in Scripture, John seeks a Proverbs 31 wife to build a Christ-centered legacy; he's open to his family’s advice. John is just getting started in the Tech Industry.”
Bold of this lad to be ready for marriage before he’s mastered the use of capital letters.
This is not Webbon’s first venture into matchmaking — earlier this hear he put on a singles event as part of some festival of misogyny he was throwing. It’s not clear that they actually got anyone to go.
According to the website, Covenant will be free until 500 people sign up — so forever, probably — and then $25 a month thereafter. It will continue to be free for parents of daughters for the first six months after that. Good news, probably, for any remaining members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
It would be absolutely HORRIBLE and INAPPROPRIATE if people started signing up for the free memberships just so they could clown the Jesus freaks by requesting male-male or female-female marriages. I hope that will NEVER happen.
JFC, these people.