Axios Chips A Tooth Polishing Dear Leader's Knob
North Korean media could learn a thing or two.
The headline says “Axios,” but this post starts with their main competitor. Politico reports today:
President Donald Trump is angry. His team is exasperated. The Republican-controlled House is in near rebellion.
Trump and his closest allies thought they’d spend the summer taking a well-earned victory lap, having coaxed Congress into passing the megabill, bullied foreign governments into a slew of new trade arrangements, convinced NATO allies to spend billions more on collective defense and pressed world leaders to bow to various other demands from Doha to The Hague.
“POTUS is clearly furious,” said a person close to the White House, who, like others in this story, was granted anonymity to discuss the mood inside the West Wing. “It’s the first time I’ve seen them sort of paralyzed.”
Hahahahahaha, wheeeeeeee! We did it! President Project 2025 and his fascist terrorist Christian Nazi coup pals are spinning their wheels, they’re so fucking mad, and it’s because of a situation of their own creation, which they entirely deserve!
And really, the question remains: What is in those Epstein files? Pam Bondi should open those folders on her desk and start sounding out all the pervert words about Trump, since House Speaker Mike Johnson is too busy giving Trump and his dead pedophile best friend Jeffrey Epstein the old Southern Baptist treatment, and Republican senators (including bigtime erstwhile Epstein hunter Marsha Blackburn!) had an opportunity to subpoena Epstein financial files last year and they were apparently doing coverups for Trump even then.
OK, so that’s that Politico article. (UPDATE: And we scheduled this post just before the Wall Street Journal on Trump being officially in the Epstein files came out. Wheeeee! More on that tomorrow, obviously.)
We’ll get to Axios’s dick-polishing — we are setting up a point that we are making! — after this video from the president, speaking to Republican lawmakers last night and essentially admitting that all his nonsense Obama treason shit is literally just his way of trying to distract people from Epstein, and directing Republicans to do the same:
Here’s the transcript, it goes nicely with all the other Trump cankle-to-brain leakage we were discussing earlier this morning:
“They want to do anything to get us off the subject of making America great again. And we’re not going to put up with it. And remember, don’t let them forget, it’s so important, Obama cheated on the election. Look, the camera just went off. [This is a lie.] Obama, the red light just went off. Can you believe these people, how bad they are? Obama cheated, when they give you all the nonsense, Obama cheated and his people cheated, but he was there. Did you ever hear this?
“They talk about, if they ever even mention it, they never mention his name. Just the opposite with me. But they only mention my name. They don’t mention any of you guys. They don’t mention Tom. They don’t mention Steve. They don’t mention our great speaker. They mention Trump all the time. I’d like to have him mention you.
“But remember this, Obama cheated on the election, and we have it cold, hard, blue, and it’s getting even more so because the stuff that’s coming in is not even believable. So, and you should mention that every time they give you a question that’s [about Epstein] not appropriate, just say, ‘Oh, by the way, Obama cheated on the election.’ You’ll watch the camera turn off instantly.”
Fam, does that sound to you like a president who is winning? Or does it sound like a president who is a total loser, who is 79 years old going on croaked, who is babbling all his greatest conspiracy theory hits like a dementia patient? He’s talking about things that he hallucinated happened three presidential administrations ago. “Obama cheated on the election!” he cries, while the nurse drains his cankles and asks him to count backward.
All of that brings us to how Axios — specifically its chief hacks Jim VandeHei and Mike Allen — is sorely upset today that Donald Trump is literally doing so much winning that the American people appear to have become sick of the winning.
Oh is that what’s happening, oh sage access journalists? Tell us more!
Here is how this appalling screed begins:
President Trump, in terms of raw accomplishments, crushed his first six months in historic ways. Massive tax cuts. Record-low border crossings. Surging tariff revenue. Stunning air strikes in Iran. Modest inflation.
Did he, Axios? Did he crush it? Were the Iranian air strikes stunning? The ones that actually only destroyed one out of three Iranian nuclear sites, which wasn’t really surprising, since intel assessments from the get-go suggested Secretary Shitfaced’s mission was kind of a dud?
And who were those massive tax cuts big wins for? And why might those border crossings be so low, is it perhaps because the Trump’s Gestapo has come to town, and can we even trust official numbers from Trump’s CBP Gestapo?
Oh, and on that “surging tariff revenue,” compared to what, please? Because these tariffs are part of a Republican Nazi pipe dream to pay off the deficit and replace the income tax, which is literally never going to fucking happen, which makes them by definition a failure. Plus, the Trump administration still won’t admit that tariffs are a tax on the American people, and American companies are reporting “massive” losses because of them.
And that modest inflation, is it possible that it’s happening despite Trump’s bumblefucking loser “leadership,” at least partially because the economy has started ignoring Trump’s on-again, off-again tariff wars with whichever countries are prosecuting his tyrant buddies or otherwise upsetting him that day?
Back to Axios, let the bellyaching commence:
Yet poll after poll suggests most Americans aren't impressed. In fact, they seem tired of all the winning.
VandeHei and Allen actually wrote that. They reapplied lip balm and reapplied their lips to Trump’s grundle and they wrote that.
It couldn’t be that Americans hate Trump’s Nazi immigration Gestapo and his concentration camps and his worthless dollar and his stupid fucking tariffs and his inability to have any kind of influence at all with Russia or Israel, or that they hate that prices haven’t actually gone down, but in many cases up, or that they hate Congress’s great skullfucking of the American people with its Big Bastard of a Bill, and oh yeah, that they really really hate how he’s covering up whatever he did with his pedophile pal Jeffrey.
Except just kidding, of course it is all that. In fact, that’s all stuff we summarized from this Axios piece. It just all came after they typed this:
Trump appears to be losing by winning. The more he does (including issues beyond his legislative wins), the more the general public, especially independents, shrug — or recoil.
Erm, or maybe that’s not an accepted definition of “winning” at all, if everything a president does makes people start recoiling and retching. Maybe it’s not reasonable to call it “winning by losing” or “losing by winning,” or however Axios wants to gild it for Emperor Microdickus. Maybe it’s just fucking losing.
This paradox is unfolding …
It’s not a fucking paradox.
in what could be the very best chapter of his presidency, before tariffs push prices higher or midterms pose risks to his GOP majorities.
In other words this shit sandwich is the high water mark for this absolute loser? Is that what we are trying to say but can’t with all these Yeti Pubes in our mouths?
The rest of the Axios article actually has some interesting info, once you get past the slobber and drool.
It’s got this CBS/YouGov poll that shows that everybody hates everything Trump does, including his Nazi Gestapo immigration policies and his handling of the economy. It’s got this CNN poll with similar results. It’s got this AP/NORC poll about how much everybody hates Trump’s Big Medicaid-Murdering Bill. It’s got this YouGov poll where only 22 percent of Americans support Trump’s handling of the Epstein issue, while 56 disapprove.
It’s got this astounding fact about what has happened to Trump’s support among the 18-29 crowd:
The Axios article has all these things! It even has more legitimate reasons everybody hates Stupid Hitler!
But yet, VandeHei and Allen just can’t stop themselves from laundering this Evita shit from Trump:
Behind the scenes: In private, Trump gripes about not getting sufficient credit for defying expectations and historic norms. He's imposing his will on the nation — yet the media and even MAGA fixate on the blemishes. But what if his ideas are authentically unpopular?
WHAT IF.
A longtime Trump adviser told us the president's view is: Why don't they trust me? What more can I do?
Dunno, maybe fuck off forever and bury himself under a prison to save the American people from having to dig the hole?
Axios ends by letting the Trump administration have the last word, because they’ve been sucking him off this whole time, it’d be rude not to let him finish:
The bottom line: Trump advisers tell us that what will matter for the long run is how the economy is treating everyday Americans when it comes time for midterm voting in 2026, and the choice of Trump's successor in 2028.
And that’s it, the end of Axios’s lament that everybody is treating Trump as a loser despite all his breathtaking winning.
Not sure why we’re all so worried about Trump’s fascist attacks on the political media, it’s not like there was much to preserve in the first place.
OPEN THREAD.
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"it’d be rude not to let him finish"
OMG this was so great. We're gonna call this a sesqui-entendre cause it's not subtle enough for a double, but I kinda like it all the more for that.
Harry is looking for his friend across the yard, whom I have dubbed Ms. Calico. https://substack.com/@ziggywiggy/note/c-138260358?utm_source=notes-share-action&r=2knfuc