Axios Says Trump Maybe Picking JD Vance As Running Mate, Has Axios Ever Been Wrong About Everything?
Axios wrong? No you shut up!
There are rumors, and there are universally loathed and off-putting men whose shitty books were made into even shittier movies, men who appear to wear copious amounts of eyeliner on TV. And sometimes there are rumors about universally loathed and off-putting men whose shitty books were made into even shittier movies, men who appear to wear copious amounts of eyeliner on TV.
JD Vance says he doesn’t wear eyeliner, so that rumor is DEBUNKED. (Allegedly.)
But rumor has it Donald Trump has picked Vance as his running mate.
Evidence uno? Apparently Trump thinks JD’s blue eyes are “beautiful.” Trump does make decisions based on things like that.
Evidence dos? Axios and its bullet points are reporting that the very schedule of the Republican convention now suggests that Vance has won the veepstakes.
Is Axios correct? Or is Axios basically a rumor-mongering dumbass that makes Tiger Beat look like real journalism?
Both can be true, possibly.
Axios reports that on Wednesday night at the Republican National Convention in Milwaukee, Donald Trump Jr. — the Trump offspring most unloved by his father — will be speaking before Trump’s running mate pick. Their theory here is that Junior really really really loves JD Vance and they are besties, so it’s only natural he might be the one to intro this guy he really really really loves, who he’s besties with.
So if you’re watching the Republican convention on Wednesday night and Diaper Don is slurring and babbling slightly faster than people who say no to drugs tend to slur and babble, and then all of a sudden they wheel a gigantic bucket of human butthair with beautiful blue eyes out onto the stage, well that’ll be JD Vance, whose body is — science fact — 94 percent human butthair and six percent blue eyes. (Scroll up.)
Axios notes that Junior posted a video on Wednesday of Vance speaking, saying, “Stop what you're doing and watch this right now if you want to know what America First is all about,” suggesting that there’s some sort of foreshadowing going on.
However!
Axios also quotes Brian Hughes, a Trump campaign adviser, who says actually that speaking schedule has been solidified for weeks, and actually "[A]nyone telling you they know who or when President Trump will choose his VP is lying unless that person is named Donald J. Trump."
Note that he did not add “Junior” at the end of that name. Again, Father does not love Junior.
Also note that the Daily Beast reported this week that Trump donors really loathe JD Vance.
So this could be not correct.
Axios not correct? No you shut up!
Anyway, we hope Axios is right, because again, JD Vance is so fucking gross and everybody hates him and normal people find him extremely off-putting.
This is the man who Mitt Romney says he doesn’t think he could could respect anyone less than.
And hey, remember the 2022 midterms, when Vance and his butthair body won his Senate seat in Ohio? The same year, Ohio Republican Governor Mike DeWine was running for re-election. He won 62.8 percent to 37.2.
Vance only beat Tim Ryan 53.3 percent to 46.7 percent.
That means almost 10 points worth of Ohio Republican voters were like fuuuuuuck that guy.
So that is a reason we hope Trump picks him, because he is gross and everybody hates him and he would be a drag on the ticket.
Also, back before JD Vance opportunistically changed his mind and decided he was super-gay for Trump, he USED to think Trump was the dogshit on the bottom of Hitler’s shoe. That’d be fun for Democrats to make commercials out of clips of JD Vance saying things like that!
Here’s a clip, for reference:
So that would be another reason it’d be cool if Axios was right and Trump picked El Butthair-io as his running mate.
But Axios could be wrong. No you shut up!
Trump could pick Dick Booger or whatever the guy from North Dakota is called.
Or Trump could pick Marco Rubio LOL nah.
Or maybe Kristi Noem deleted all her socials because Trump decided to go hilariously rogue, thinking the only way he knows how to compete against Kamala Harris is if his veep is a woman who murders puppies and writes about it.
That would be awesome too.
Wonkette prediction of predictions: Trump’s running mate is going to be a fascist mason jar full of fossilized smegma and we hate them and you do too, whoever they are.
You can take that one to the bank.
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For all of these polls saying Biden and PAB are in a virtual tie, remember, they were saying that in 2020 and Biden won the popular vote by nearly eight million votes.
my money's on Hannibal Lecter