In case you were not present this weekend, Barbie shattered all kinds of box office records, making $162 million domestically and $337 million worldwide. It’s apparently extremely popular in red states. (And also the blue ones.) Together with Oppenheimer — “Barbenheimer,” you might have heard it called — it created the fourth biggest box office weekend in history. And unlike the fake child trafficking movie starring the QAnon Jesus clown, those numbers don’t involve letting people buy tickets for hypothetical strangers.
Ben Shapiro is not doing well with any of this.
We should always remember when we talk about “Ben Shapiro” and “movie” that Ben Shapiro is a failed screenwriter who doesn’t understand how simple things like movie plots work, and who does what he does because he wasn’t talented enough to do what he really wanted to do. He was furious that the Glass Onion murder mystery worked, well, like a murder mystery. He was painfully confused by Everything Everywhere All At Once, which caused him to lash out. He thinks “The Last Of Us” is a mere zombie TV show.
This is also the man who once had to ask his physician wife what kind of sick disgusting disease might cause a woman’s nether-things to become really wet.
Context is important.
Anyway, here’s a video of Ben grasping Barbie and Ken dolls in his little miniature paws and setting them on fire because he’s upset.
That’s the beginning of his review. Okeydokey.
There are a lot of things going on here, and they are all about Ben Shapiro’s personal shortcomings, the ones we all can see and the ones he feels inside. Nobody is mad Ben doesn’t like the Barbie movie. (Certainly not the people currently making gabillions of dollars off of it.) He thinks they are, though, which is part of the funny.
“I’m sorry me not liking ‘Barbie’ is happening to u,” he tweeted early this morning.
What’s great is that you can laugh at him for this whether or not you’ve seen Barbie, and whether or not you plan to see it. That’s all beside the point of watching what this is doing to Ben’s constant masculinity crisis.
Ben’s full review of the movie is 42 minutes and 44 seconds long. Ain’t nobody watching that cry for help.
We can watch little bitty snippets, though.
Here is a video of Ben complaining about a transgender character in Barbie with a “voice deeper than my own.” Awww, tell us about it, honey. (It’s not actually a transgender Barbie, it’s simply a Barbie character played by a trans actress. That’s what Ben is mad about.)
This here is another video, hoo boy.
Nervously babbling a million miles an hour like he always does, Ben says, “There’s a connection between people playing with the Barbies, and the Barbies, so the people playing with the Barbies are sad and the Barbies also get sad. Weird that this has only happened to Barbie, because it turns out that lots of people are sad and have played with Barbies for a very long time.” Wow, Ben. Is there anything else you’d like to tell your therapist who promises they’ll never tell anything you say in their office?
Please be clear that he vomited that entire quote out in just 10 seconds. And then remember in context that the full review clocks in at 42:44.
If you want more details on his review, click here or go read somebody else who couldn’t manage to get out of watching it.
Here’s a two-minute supercut of the review from the Decoding Fox News Twitter account. We think it captures the spirit nicely.
And there’s this tweet about Ben going to see Barbie, which cannot possibly be outdone:
“They finally make a movie for people who are 12 inches tall with no genitals and those people don’t even like it,” says the perfect tweet. This, in response to Shapiro prissily huffing, “My producers dragged me to see ‘Barbie’ and it was one of the most woke movies I have ever seen. My full review of this flaming garbage heap of a film will be out on my YouTube channel tomorrow at 10am ET.”
Ben Collins says Shapiro’s original tweet there is 5,000 times funnier once you’ve seen the movie. We won’t spoiler why, just kidding yes we will, it’s literally one of Ken’s exact outfits in the movie. (Of course, viewing the two side by side kind of shines a light on the fact that Gosling has great big arms and broad shoulders and Ben Shapiro is, um, Ben Shapiro.)
You will be shocked to learn that Ben Shapiro still, today, on Monday, cannot stop talking about Barbie. He said on his show that the reaction to him setting Barbie and Ken on fire was “like the reaction of the Islamic world when somebody burns a Quran in Sweden.” He really does not understand that all normal people are laughing at him.
He’s also really mad people are accusing him of intentionally dressing up as KenDoll McNoPenis to go to the movie. “No, I hadn’t seen it, guys! That’s just what people tend to wear a lot! Is like a, you know, like a black t-shirt and black, I didn’t realize this was like a rare and unique bird! It was like, it was like a, it was like some sort of rare pheasant in the wild to wear a black pair of jeans and black shirt when I go out!”
Yeah, he’s not the one who’s triggered, YOU ARE.
Yep.
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Ben, Ben, Ben...
Go eat a bowl of canned clams.
Burning a Barbie doll is the closest Ben will ever come to getting a woman hot.