Big Balls Descends

Don’t let a bouncing Big Balls beatup distract you from DOGE’s dirty deeds!

With the government shutdown, ICE atrocities, and everything else, we should also not ignore the alarming and crazy DOGE data breach, maybe the biggest of all time, yuge, with Edward “Big Balls” Coristine and friends siphoning off everybody’s data to who-knows-where, and at least some of it allegedly to a server in Russia. And also that there’s reportedly an insecure Starlink terminal sitting on top of the White House! What even!

Whatever the fuck was going on with DOGE in the Elon Musk era is now becoming more clear, thanks to whistleblowers and leakers, and now a new report from the Senate Committee on Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs (HSGAC) showing it was all even weirder and shadier than it even seemed at the time, with DOGE team members infiltrating government agencies like a virus, holing up in blacked-out rooms, seizing everybody’s data and cutting agencies and purging jobs every which way, with the DOJ fighting FOIA requests tooth and nail.

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DOGE Now Trying To Use Grok AI To Loyalty-Purge And The IRS Is Giving Your Info To A 'Third-Party Vendor'

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The team of somebody’s minions infiltrated agencies with just a few team members installed in key positions like Chief Information Officer, who then let their friends, and they let their friends, and so on, and so on, into the systems.

And once in, they were hellbent on operating with no oversight, playing a constant shell game of who was in charge, and sometimes refusing to even tell anyone their full names. And then later federal workers would see the DOGE implants like Ethan Shaotran on Fox News, lying that DOGE had found out that the federal workers had been caught doing waste and fraud.

The on-site DOGE underlings installed themselves like cultists in mini-compounds, locking themselves in bunkers sometimes defended by armed guards. There they both worked and lived, with windows covered with black paper, trash bags, and tape, and also a hot plate and “a dedicated fridge stocked with Celsius energy drinks and Muscle Milk.” (DOGE claims the armed guards were because they were scared of government employees being mean and saying curse words at them.)

The ball-and-foot-sweat funk was surely heavy.

Sequestered in their compound, the crews worked on stacks of cell phones and laptops that did not appear to have been provided by the government. And unlike all of the other employees who had been forced back to the office, the DOGE crew was allowed to telework, sending data packets thither and yon.

Some in the compound were literal kids! And not just 19-year-old Big Balls. Photos of an abandoned DOGE nest in the GSA showed toddler play sets and toys next to stacked mattresses and pillows. It’s a little Heaven’s Gate-y!

None of the civil servants in the agencies knew what the DOGE-ers were trying to do by spiriting away the data at the Social Security Administration, the General Services Administration, the Office of Personnel Management, and elsewhere, as taking all the data away to fix it like the Grinch was never necessary to finding the trillion dollars of waste and fraud that DOGE never actually found.

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Elon Musk Admits DOGE Will Fall Short Of A Trillion In Cuts By Nearly A Trillion

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And to this day nobody has a fucking clue where all of that data wound up. (The regime says none of this ever happened.)

And, says the report, citing interviews with whistleblowers from the agency, DOGE workers including Big Balls at the SSA put sensitive data like people’s Social Security numbers, birthplace, date of birth, and work permit status in an unsecured cloud, where adversarial somebodies could get it, if they haven’t already. (The regime denies all this and says everybody’s data is safe.)

We have ideas of where some of it might have gone. You’ll recall back in April, a whistleblower in the IT department of the National Labor Relations Board, Daniel Berulis, revealed that after the DOGE goons inserted themselves at the NLRB to do whatever it is that they were/are trying to do, they refused to let their digital movements be tracked, which was NOT PROPER and VERY SUSPICIOUS. Then, after they were in, the systems immediately began transferring out large amounts of data, as if a “nation-state attack from China or Russia” was going on.

And THEN government-employee whistleblowers “started detecting suspicious log-in attempts from an IP address in Russia.” And THEN the DOGE hackers frantically scrambled to delete any records of their access, like normal people totally not doing anything criminal.

Oh, and THEN, Berulis’s attempts to raise concerns to his bosses at the NLRB were followed by someone “physically taping a threatening note” to his door, which included sensitive personal information, and overhead photos of him walking his dog that appeared to be taken with a drone. NOT NORMAL!

And Berulis’s account was confirmed and corroborated by documentation and other reports, too.

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Hey, What Is A Russian Server Doing With DOGE Logins?

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And then there’s this unsetting tidbit from the Washington Post, regarding the GSA installing terminals from Starlink, the satellite company Trump frenemy Elon Musk owns, about a month after inauguration:

At the time, GSA staff warned that this posed a significant security risk and voiced concern that the terminals could allow DOGE to siphon data out of the agency. According to the report, GSA officials “could not even confirm that the Starlink terminal was configured with basic security settings recommended by Starlink itself,” making staffers “concerned that any data sent or received over the Starlink device at GSA and other locations could be an easy target for foreign adversaries.” Starlink terminals have also been installed at the White House.

And we know some of the data went to DHS / Palantir to build a database to identify and surveil suspected immigrants.

Is some cabal of shadowy elites like Russia, Elon Musk, and Peter Thiel helping the regime build its surveillance state away from the prying eyes of US law, so the US can be a modern East Germany? Did Vlad Putin demand access from Trump? And are Big Balls et al. too muscle-milked up to imagine they might ever someday pay a price for unlawfully stealing everybody’s data and giving it to Russia? It’s all anybody’s guess!

Speaking of Big Balls, Elon Musk’s 19-year-old protégé has been seizing his moment of fame after his alleged carjack-attack, going on Jesse Watters with a heroic tale of getting beaten up by “10 guys” when according to the police report it was two 15-year-olds, a boy and a girl, who were immediately caught and charged with attempted carjacking and assault. Which is terrible and should never happen to anyone, of course. But also sounds like DC police did an amazing job of not letting Big Balls get his ass beat even worse! Hope there are tapes.

And Trump immediately seized on the assault of “beautiful, handsome” Big Balls to justify the military takeover of Washington DC he was planning to do anyway, slobber for the death penalty in DC, and suggest lowering the age of responsibility to 14.

Big Balls recounted his heroic evening, in which he was ferrying his lady to her car at 3 a.m., presumably after a night of pitching woo at Butterworth’s and/or in his smelly home/office muscle-milk pod, when he got accosted and beaten by this gang. Jesse Watters loves a story with a male romantic lead, like the time he heroically saved his lady from flat tires. Which he had flattened himself!

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Fox News's Jesse Watters Let Air Out Of Woman's Tires, Called It Courtship

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Also, sorry, ahem, can’t help to notice it appears Big Balls has recently gone through an entire puberty! Here he is just four months ago:

Is developing so fast normal for a 19-year-old? Maybe, we were on the other side of the gym for that part of health class. Maybe it was his time to change, maybe he’s been doing neck weights and LOOKSMAXXING and tanning his newly dropped testicles, who knows, it is rude to speculate!

Anyway, that was NOT BIG BRAINS, pushing his lady into the car. Because you don’t know what could happen, and if that 15-year-old girl had had a gun, or other weapon, they both could have been hurt worse, and Big Balls might have seen his lady driving off jacked by the 15-year-olds, then getting thrown out on a highway, or use your imagination! Just throw your keys away from yourself and run if somebody tries to steal your car! Let your insurance company deal with it! That’s why you pay them. No lip gloss and Stanley in the cupholders is worth getting you or your friend hurt over. You’re a moron, Big Balls.

It is a good thing that Dear Leader says that crime in the district is now zero.

All hail Dear Leader! And whatever he and Big Balls have done with all of our Social Security numbers is surely wise!

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