714 Comments
author
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Ketchup hsx mellowing agents...

Ketchup...for the good times...

Expand full comment

A+ gif this morning!

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023·edited Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Tip # 0. Don't eat ketchup.

Expand full comment

For hot dogs only. That's right Chicago, I went there. Y'all want to talk pizza next, chingaderos?

Expand full comment

The Chicago Dogs I've had are mustard, dill pickles and tomato....isn't that correct???

Expand full comment

Yep, and they get all shirty if you suggest catsup. I like Chicago style, but I also like to stir shit up.

Expand full comment

I'll eat those, but my faves are either chili dogs with mustard and onion or polish dogs with mustard, kraut, onion and pickle relish....mmmmmmmmmm

Expand full comment

Oh Noes! Mustard only!

Expand full comment

No love for ketchup and french fries? I am also partial to a splash on my weekend veggie omelet.

Expand full comment

I actually don't voluntarily put it on anything. Not so much because I don't like it, but out of habit. If it is on something, I am fine with it, I just don't add ketchup to anything.

Expand full comment

Tip #-1. Don't eat ground beef.

Expand full comment

Unless I personally processed it, I always think of it more as ground "beef" thanks Upton Sinclair.

Expand full comment

What was it he said? I was aiming for the nation's heart and I hit it in the stomach?

Expand full comment

Fast Food Nation says nothing changed.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023·edited Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

It's a flamingo!

It's Woody Woodpecker's disembodied head!

It's a palm tree! It's a peener!

Now the peener's becoming a vag!

Shit, it's a Rorschach Test, isn't it?!

Oh, it's TAbs.

Expand full comment

I thought you were discussing the hamburger meat....ground Rorschach sound delish!

Expand full comment
author

😆

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Brilliant.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Ah, SHIT, Tini, I was so captivated watching the bottles fly I didn't notice it said TABS until right before it reset! I was too busy thinking, "Damn, I want this as a screensaver, it's fuckin' HYPNOTIC."

Expand full comment
founding
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

That .gif made me very happy.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

For some reason the ketchup and indictments have become melded together in such a way as to bring Carly Simon singing "Anticipation" to mind.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

I had to figure out how to log in again just to upvote your gif.

Expand full comment
founding
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

I love this gif so much.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

I find it oddly relaxing.

Expand full comment

OK, this may be your masterpiece

Expand full comment

Jackson Pollock, when he was three years old

Expand full comment

That is some top-notch art!

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Oh that is a very timely GIF!

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023·edited Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

Not enough chintzy gold-plate in view, though

Expand full comment

Is your name a Superted reference?

Expand full comment

It's a spoonerism, and I don't know Superted unfortunately

Expand full comment

It was a British kids' cartoon about a super powered teddy bear, and his enemy was a cowboy called Texas Pete.

Expand full comment

Ahhh, thanks! Texas Pete is also a hot sauce.

Expand full comment
founding

I am not an ort expert, but I am haunted by this painting. @MARTINIAMBASSADOR.

https://news.artnet.com/art-world/met-museum-acquires-enslaved-portrait-2350056

Expand full comment

I read the article and watched a YouTube video on this painting, and no one comments on the children's obvious family resemblance. Mebbe it's against the law to say it?

Expand full comment
founding

That link has this to say: It does not appear that Bélizaire was related to the Freys—state property records show that the family purchased the boy and his mother, Sally, when he was just six years old.

Expand full comment

Yes, but there was this sexual tourism thing in the South, where you didn't boink your own enslaved, but did your neighbor's. It was included in Southern Hospitality.

Expand full comment
founding

Then wouldn't the child resemble the neighbor's kids?

But yeah, the article refers to the boy as "mixed-race", and that's obvious, so a product of that sort of thing one way or another.

Expand full comment

Oh, was I supposed to have $2.5 million? DAYUM!

Expand full comment

I got stuck at the Philly airport once. After spending the night in a roach motel, I ended up renting a car to drive home. The entire trip was canceled.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023·edited Aug 17, 2023

" “But, here’s the thing,” Bell replied. “You’re treating everyone as though they have the emotional and intellectual capacity that you have, or that your circle of friends [has]."

Nah, Kristin - it's not because you're a lib. It's because you're a condescending asshole.

Seriously - my father had an IQ over 160 and a Ph.D to match and my mother (also incredibly smart) said that one of things she loved most about him was that he could talk to anyone about anything and never make them feel that he thought that he was better than them.

Try it .

Oh, and if you don't want people commenting on every goddamn thing in your life, don't post every goddamn thing in your life to the internet. You can't have ALL THE ATTENTION ALL THE TIME without some attention you don't like.

If you were as smart as I am, you'd know that... 😉

Expand full comment

Thinking about religion this morning, and decided that if I turned out to be God or Jesus or whatever, I'd send myself back to earth, but skip the lepers this time and go heal the koalas.

Expand full comment

"A Tiny Home for Good saves Onondaga County $117,694 per tenant per year, for example, from decreased use of social and emergency services, food programs, overnight shelters and jails."

Which minds me of this video YouTube coughed up for me last night (if you feed it good habits, it can return cool stuff):

https://youtu.be/M33uqNdKQFo

While I find the white interiors to verge on soul-crushingly institutional, the basic design of these capsule apartments seem like they could help a lot of folks out. Heck, if I had a studio and access to a space where I could entertain when the mood strikes, I could live in the largest one I think.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf

I have a friend who's a financial advisor. She's maybe 40, the daughter of one of my contemporaries. She told me with a straight face that I can't retire without at least a million dollars saved. I laughed, and told her I'd been retired for ten years already (this was a few years ago) and had about ten grand in the bank. Nope, she said, unpossible. Well, here I am, been retired for 16 years and still haven't even made my first million. Those ads crack me up.

Expand full comment

That's the standard line from financial planners. I was told that 25 years ago. That's so at 6% return, you can make about 60k/year, and still travel, buy new cars, eat out all the time.

Whatever.

Expand full comment

I never made even close to $60K a year. Civil service, in hindsight, wasn't such a good idea. It was the only way I could get health insurance, though, so it paid off.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Martini Glambassador

I was staring at the gif, looking at the ketchup thinking, "oh how cool it would be if it spelled out "Tabs," and lo and behold it DID! Great job with the gif.

Expand full comment

Another question for the moderators!

I am slowly trying to set up "sub stack" so I can write about things in my blag. One feature it seems like This Here Wonket has is the ability to block comments from posting if they contain certain words. Is that a special tool? How do you do that? Or is that a leftover from Disqus?

Expand full comment

ExectutorE, I have not run into this option, but I'll keep my eyes open. I did learn while poking around that you can keep users from posting images on chats, but I didn't see anything about particular words.

Expand full comment

I suspect that language was just copied over from when Yr Wonket was hosted on Disqus, and hasn't been updated.

Expand full comment

Ok, now I am confused, and curious. Where is the language you think was copied over? I didn't realize you were referring to some specific here on Substack.

Expand full comment

from here:

https://www.wonkette.com/p/rules-for-commenting-radicals

Under Rule 4, it says (about prohibited words), "All will automatically kick your comment to the moderation queue."

"Automatic" implies that there's some word-filtering at work, and I was wondering if that was actually the case, or whether that's a leftover from Disqus.

Expand full comment

Yeah, I think you are right, it's leftover from the old system.

And, I really don't want to test it using any of the verbotten words. But I'm guessing Substack doesn't have that option, or it would have popped up when I looked around the support pages for things like "banning words" and "blocking a word" and similar phrases.

Expand full comment

*sigh* I guess that means I'll have to moderate my own comment threads on my own blag, then :(

Expand full comment

Sounds like the old commenting rules for radicals?

Expand full comment

Fuck.... what WAS rule 6?

Expand full comment

aaaaahhhhh. Makes sense.

Expand full comment

"IF YOU COME AFTER ME, I'M COMING AFTER YOU!"

-Texas Woman Arrested for Threatening to Kill Trump Judge

-Purported Names and Addresses of GA Grand Jurors Posted Online

LOCK HIM UP NOW.

Expand full comment

All the best people.

Expand full comment
author

You ever read a tab, then go to comment and decide it's not worth the trouble because it seems to be a story that gets under people's skin, so it's just better to totally avoid the subject because you want to start your day in a nice way? I do that alot. Yes I totally avoid uncomfortable subjects when there's not much importance attached to them. Try it, you will have a much better day!

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf, ziggywiggy

I sometimes avoid stories that have to do with Texas, as a Texas dweller, because folks can get pretty nasty in the comments about what Texans deserve for having terrible people in office. It just kind of hurts my feelings, so I don't always want to engage.

Expand full comment
author

I hate that shit, generalizations about an entire state is lazy.

Expand full comment

I never do that. I live in a red part of an otherwise overwhelmingly blue state, and I'm not leaving either. It's my home.

Expand full comment

Picking one's battles is an often underrated skill.

Expand full comment

The headline is just like that old musician joke; I can tell you how to make a million dollars playing music. Start out with two million.

Expand full comment

What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

Expand full comment

Do you know what you call a musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless.

Expand full comment

Oldie but goodie.

Expand full comment

We actually told that joke last night during a performance.

Expand full comment

It's a classic.

Expand full comment
Comment deleted
Expand full comment

How do you get the guitar player to turn down? Put some sheet music in front of him. What do you throw a drowning bass player? His amplifier.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023·edited Aug 17, 2023

And some good news. Although the lessening of poverty in Africa does not help you personally if you don't know how you will make September rent.

Massive poverty drop

One good way to get a confused look in return is to remark that the world is becoming steadily richer and that hundreds of millions of people have been lifted out of poverty very recently. The part that is even more fun than the bafflement is that these statements are true! We have lots of fresh data released this month as proof.

Every year on July 1 the World Bank classifies countries into four levels: low income, lower middle income, upper middle income, and high income. These rankings are done by measuring gross national income (GNI) per capita—in other words, a country’s total income divided by its population. To get an idea of what the classifications look like, a country is low income with a GNI per capita of $1,135 or less, and high income with one of $13,846 or more.

Let’s look at the number of countries on the low end of income levels versus those on the high end in 1987. Lowest income is dark purple. Then, going up the wealth ranks, comes light purple, light green, and finally dark green for high income. (Those are interesting graphs)

https://theprogressnetwork.org/rising-wealth-progress-ending-poverty/

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf, ziggywiggy

Wow. The level of vitriol here for Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard is pretty wow. Has no one here ever used hyperbolic rhetoric, especially when stressed? I certainly am guilty of saying things like it took 84 years to pick up a prescription at H-E-B because everybody and their dog was in line. Obviously the entire population of San Antonio was not packed into my neighborhood H-E-B with their dogs, nor did it take an hour of waiting, much less 84 years. But it paints a picture of my frustration level regarding the situation and elicited a giggle from my kid.

I read “within 50 miles” and “$600 on neck pillows and blankets” both as hyperbolic - a crack on the dozens of flights that had been cancelled before theirs plus a knock on how expensive it is to buy anything in the airport. They are comedians, after all.

As for Tiny Homes, GIVE EVERYBODY SHELTER! I would love to see the inclusion of Basic Universal Income, Medicaid including Mental Health, and Addiction Support Services with each project. Also highly approve of getting people housed, then filling out documentation with a case worker. I mean, I am Autistic and also have ADHD. It took me over a week to fill out my initial Disability paperwork, and that was with my sister taking notes for me so I could process out loud and then use those notes to decide what was important enough to get written on the form. When I married my Australian husband, it took my mother and me 3 days to even suss out which initial form we had to fill out for immigration. My mother and I are both native English speakers with college degrees and she worked for the NSA for 30 years so it’s not like we had a language barrier or didn’t know our way around government bureaucracy and forms. Plus we had the privilege of wifi with a desktop computer, laptops, and other devices. So if it was that hard for me, imagine not speaking English or knowing what resources are available or being frightened every minute you’re going to be deported if you ask for help.

Sorry - this ended up being really long.

Expand full comment

Hello neighbor! I, also, too, am in San Antonio!

Expand full comment

Ooh - are there more of us? Maybe we can do a little Wonkmeet someday!

Expand full comment

i just wanted to know where they found pillows at an airport. We got stuck at LAX for 24 hrs and the only place we found to sleep was the kids play area. No shops were open.

Expand full comment

I immediately assumed hyperbole as well. I haven’t gone to read the tab because I think it’ll make me sad to see people taking the less likely explanation for what she said as using that to get mad and spew hateful garbage at people. Yes, rich people suck, but good god there are better things to spend our mad on.

Expand full comment
Aug 17, 2023Liked by Rebecca Schoenkopf

The amount of paperwork that homeless and disabled people are expected to deal with is shocking in any state. We're handling a move for my sister from one group home to another, because they needed to fill out some required stuff for Medicaid assistance and they dropped the ball. Moving her into a new group home locally will help, since the manager there knows wtf she's doing, but still. Social workers are overworked, underpaid, and stretched to the snapping point. Someone who is severely mentally ill is not going to magically get better - WHY are they forced to renew their stuff on a yearly basis?

Expand full comment

One of my attributes is I am good at bureaucratic paperwork and it has helped me immensely in getting my benefits. I am waiting for a new shelter to open near me to volunteer to help other folks with this!

Expand full comment

In addition to coping with your loved ones or your own debilitating mental illness, you're also solely responsible for managing the daily medication and regular appointment schedule, including appointments that have to be booked six months out because there's a critical shortage of mental health care workers. It's a doom loop.

Expand full comment

I think it relates to that bible verse, Cretins 6:9: "It is better for a million needy people to suffer needlessly than for one possibly able-bodied person to maybe get something just for being able to fill out the paperwork correctly."

Expand full comment

Republicans, mostly.

Expand full comment