Convicted Felon Probably Maybe Banned From Canada

But at least none of his kids have pending graduation ceremonies there.

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As the dust settles and we all adjust to the surprising development that the rule of law in America actually does apply to everyone, at least for now, the question on everyone’s minds is how Donald J. Trump’s 34 felony convictions could impact his ability to visit Canada. 

What, just me?

America’s northern neighbor is one of many countries that automatically bar anyone with a rap sheet from entry, and technically TFG is no longer in a position to follow Rush singer Geddy Lee’s clarion call to take off to the Great White North. 

Not that he ever showed much interest in the place, despite Diet Coke being sweeter and the ready availability of ketchup-flavored chips. The golf courses are all buried in snow half the time, winter hats mess with your hair worse than light rain at a WWI cemetery full of suckers and losers, and there aren’t nearly as many big strong guys with tears in their eyes standing around waiting to tell you how tremendous you are. Also there’s all the cancer-causing windmills.

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Trump’s sole visit to Canada as president came in 2018 at a G7 summit meeting in Quebec, where he bemoaned the fact Russia was no longer welcome, pushed world leaders to recognize Crimea as Russian territory, and called Prime Minister Justin Trudeau “very weak and dishonest” from the safety of his plane after skedaddling early to chill with his boo Kim Jong Un in Singapore instead.

He then sparked a minor trade war by claiming Canadian steel and aluminum imports posed a threat to US national security, a brief and stupid scrap he probably hoped would earn him the sobriquet “the Man of Steel” given his habit of encouraging comparisons to Superman and presumed obliviousness one of Vladimir Putin’s predecessors got the name first.

It was Canada’s first major international incident involving a cast member of Home Alone 2, although Plaza Hotel bellhop Rob Schneider announced a few months ago he was cancelling a trip over an embarrassing debacle when Parliament gave a standing ovation to a former Nazi soldier during a visit from Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Turns out the 59-year-old comedian had a change of heart because his set at a Regina hospital fundraiser last week went so badly he was not only booed offstage but it even made the news. Evidently jokes were a lot worse than simply reminding the audience of a word Saskatchewan’s capital city rhymes with.

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By comparison, George W. Bush and Barack Obama each stopped by four times during their respective eight-year terms, and President Joe Biden will hopefully pay at least a second visit in an official capacity in the coming years.

The mad bastard doesn’t have any of his precious towers as a reason to visit anymore. The Trump International Hotel and Tower Toronto, the country’s second tallest building, became a Marriott just four years after he and his rotten children opened the place in 2012, and another one in Vancouver went belly-up in 2020. The pandemic was the excuse cited for the second business failure, although I used to have a gig as a limo driver and can say first-hand that, whenever I dropped someone there from the airport or cruise ship terminal, they would invariably make a point of saying their stay wasn’t by choice and blame it on a booking agency.

“We may be spending our money at one of his hotels BUT WE’RE NOT MONSTERS!”

Last week Eric Swalwell (D-CA) helpfully and hilariously gave the GOP-controlled House Judiciary Committee in their Merrick Garland WHAR TAPES? contempt inquiry a reminder of all the many, many countries — some of them even shithole countries! — in which their guy is now persona non grata.

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The list obviously includes nations home to some of his overseas resorts. Australia, the UK, India, and Israel all share the same dim view as Canada when it comes to letting in card-carrying criminals, while Indonesia, the Philippines, South Korea, Turkey, and the United Arab Emirates don’t mind a little breaking bad so long as it doesn’t come up at the point of entry. Although it’s hard to imagine any border official on the planet being unfamiliar with WALL guy’s legal woes.

Slovenia doesn’t give two shits about this sort of thing though, in the off-chance he chooses the escape route of many a ruined politician before him by saying he wants to spend more time with his (extended) family.

It’s pretty much a given Canada would make an exception if he somehow manages to crime his way back into the White House, especially if Peewee Poilievre is running the show by then, although felons aren’t normally considered until at least five years after serving their sentence, at which point they can apply for a “certificate of rehabilitation.” But the feds can allow in whoever they want, especially for diplomatic reasons, and the Canada Border Services Agency say decisions are made on a case-by-case basis:

Several factors are used in determining if an individual is admissible to Canada, including involvement in criminal activity, human rights violations, organized crime, security, health or financial reasons.

Hmm. Let’s go through the list and see how he might fare.

• Involvement with criminal activity: Duh.

• Human rights violations: Put children in cages and killed Roe v Wade.

• Organized crime: “Don Snorleone” caught on for a reason.

• Security: Has a personal Secret Service detail.

• Health: Not great, Bob! But has access to the world’s best medical care.

• Financial reasons: Claims to be a billionaire.

References to the Netflix prison drama “Orange Is the New Black” have been constant in the Trump era partly because it works for both sides. Lefties because the rapey dotard who paints himself orange each day belongs behind bars, while the deplorable set like that their oddly hued hero took over from a Black man.

But it hits different in Canada thanks to someone who was once one of the most powerful men in the country also having been convicted of fraud.

You might recall the time early in his campaign when Trump boasted he was “very popular with the Blacks.” This may even be true, if only in the context of a relationship with Conrad Black and his wife Barbara.

Conrad Moffat Black, a dual citizen who goes by the alias Baron Black of Crossharbour in the British House of Lords, is a disgraced media tycoon the same age as Trump who spent 37 months cooling his heels in a Florida prison just 200 miles from Mar-a-Lago before being deported back to Canada in 2012.

As the author of biographies of former presidents FDR and Richard Nixon, Black had the good sense to quickly pump out a flattering book about Dear Leader, along with countless columns in his old newspaper, The National Post, fluffing his little mushroom peen, which eventually had the desired effect and he was granted a full pardon for his crimes five years ago. No doubt “John Barron” felt like an extra special Big Boy that day for helping out an actual baron in his time of need. He might’ve even done it for free!

While Lord Black had previously been blacklisted from the US for 30 years, he can now head back with impunity. You’re more than welcome to keep him.

[CTV / VICE / Global News / National Post]