Daaaaaaaaamn Ka$h Patel Is A Dork
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Today more dispatches in the story of KA$H Isn’t As Drunk As You Dork He Is Patel being the most unbelievable fucking tool in human history.
KA$H Kant Sue Good filed a lawsuit against Sarah Fitzpatrick at The Atlantic, in theory for “defamation,” for reporting that according to an extreme number of sources, he is a falling-down-drunk dorkass of an ineffective FBI director, and much of the building is very worried about it. He got so mad, tried to do big tuff GRRR ARGH press conferences, tried to tell America that he spent 11 months investigating James Comey’s wine mom Instagram posts, and that just made everybody laugh harder at him, including on SNL.
![Kash Patel Spent 11 [Hic!] Months Investigating Comey’s MURDERRRRR Seashells](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/$s_!hG4F!,w_140,h_140,c_fill,f_webp,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep,g_auto/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F198a54ba-d61e-4ee6-b9ec-af53667d82df_974x540.png)
Well now Kash is REAL mad, now you gone and done it, and he’s opening an investigation into whoever leaked all those naughty mean stories about him to The Atlantic. You know, the leaks that are total lies, the ones he’s suing for “defamation” over, because we guess the court didn’t allow him to sue for “embarrassed.” If he investigates this as good as he investigated James Comey’s seashells and the Epstein Files and the murder of that one podcaster, then whoa uh oh!
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Ken Dilanian and Carol Leonnig report for MS NOW that this is a weird investigation, because it’s not like anybody leaked classified information to a reporter or anything, which is usually what gets up the FBI’s (or DOJ’s or CIA’s) ass in situations like these. This is, again, reporting that says the FBI director is Becky Spring Break, showing his tee-tays for free Zima.
Again, the part about how it is all lies, allegedly. Who is “leaking” THESE LIES to Sarah Fitzpatrick!
The agents involved are part of an insider threats unit based in Huntsville, Alabama, the sources added.
Which leads us to ask what part of their real jobs they’re neglecting, so they can instead focus on finding the real perpetrator that made everybody think Kash Patel is a drunk and a try-hard and a Loser McNoFriends, a thought that had occurred to nobody else ever prior to this.
Regarding those FBI agents:
“They know they are not supposed to do this,” one source said. “But if they don’t go forward, they could lose their jobs. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”
What an impressive country Donald Trump has turned the USA into. And no matter how stupid and bumblefucking these fascists are, we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that this investigation, if this reporting is indeed true, is yet another attempt by these Trump fascists to silence the press. And of course Kash has done this before, trying to investigate a New York Times reporter who did their job and exposed embarrassing things about the security detail assigned to Kash’s totally cool girlfriend Alexis, and more recently trying to sue former FBI guy and current NBC News contributor Frank Figliuzzi for saying words about Kash’s reported drinking that embarrassed Kash.
Kash’s FBI spox of course prissily denies that any such investigation into Sarah Fitzpatrick is happening, blah blah blah, you know the drill.
In response, Fitzpatrick immediately dropped another hilarious story about what a fucking tool FBI Director Kash, Grass or Ass is.
We all know how Ka$h likes his merch, his flair, if you will. We guess it makes him feel like a real cool guy, in the absence of anything or anyone else doing that. Which is why he has had bottles of Woodford Reserve bourbon made that say “Kash Patel, FBI Director,” and even worse, this isn’t something embarrassing he keeps to himself, like some kind of secret World’s Best #1 Grandpa mug he drinks out of alone in the dark, but y’all, he gives this bourbon to people.
Not that he’s a drinker or anything.
Here ‘tis:
Also, he drinks his own special bottles of bourbon that have his name on them. Does he wear underpants that have his name written in Sharpie on the label, just above the skidmarks? We do not know.
I heard from people in Patel’s orbit and people he has met at public functions, who told me that it is not unusual for him to travel with a supply of personalized branded bourbon. The bottles bear the imprint of the Kentucky distillery Woodford Reserve, and are engraved with the words “Kash Patel FBI Director,” as well as a rendering of an FBI shield. Surrounding the shield is a band of text featuring Patel’s director title and his favored spelling of his first name: Ka$h.
Beeeeeeeeeeee-cause he is a fucking dork.
An eagle holds the shield in its talons, along with the number 9, presumably a reference to Patel’s place in the history of FBI directors. In some cases, the 750-milliliter bottles bear Patel’s signature, with “#9” there as well.
He signs them.
Now, you might be imagining that The Atlantic got hold of one of the bottles, perhaps because one of the recipients couldn’t stop laughing and ran directly to their offices like “OMG y’all look at how embarrassing this is, we are dying here,” and then everybody laughed themselves to death and decided to save this story for a day when America needed cheering up. But no, the person who reportedly received it from this cretinous dweeb in Vegas stuck it online to sell it, and The Atlantic bought it.
Fitzpatrick’s got shitloads of sources on this one too, lots of people like to talk behind his back about what a grade-A bonerkiller the FBI director is:
Patel has given out bottles of his personalized whiskey to FBI staff as well as civilians he encounters in his duties, according to eight people, including current and former FBI and Department of Justice employees and others who are familiar with Patel’s distribution of the bottles. Most of them spoke on the condition of anonymity out of fear of reprisal.
Hey you guys remember that time when Ka$h got to drunk-party with the men’s hockey team in Milan, which was funny because in any other scenario those guys would have been stuffing Ka$h into a locker for being such a human cockblock?
Patel has distributed his self-branded bottles while on official business, including during at least one FBI event. He and his team have transported the whiskey using a DOJ plane, including when he went to Milan during the Olympics in February. One of the bottles was left behind in a locker room, according to a person who was there. (I reviewed a photograph of the bottle.)
He leaves them places, y’all.
He reportedly even brought his little bottles to Quantico for that stupid fucking event where he brought his personal Ultimate Fighting Championship superheroes to Quantico to train FBI agents, for some completely embarrassing reason that surely involves Kash’s obvious personal shortcomings.
Annnnnnd one went missing. Uh oh.
At one point at least one bottle went missing, which caused the director to “lose his mind,” according to clients of Kurt Siuzdak, a retired agent who has assisted FBI agents, including whistleblowers, with legal issues. Siuzdak told me that multiple agents contacted him for legal guidance after Patel began threatening to polygraph and prosecute his staff over the missing bottle. “It turned into a shitshow,” Siuzdak said. Other attorneys told me they received similar calls from FBI employees regarding concerns about Patel’s bottles.
Oh my absolute God.
The FBI didn’t even seem to try to deny Fitzpatrick’s reporting here, but instead is trying to portray it as totally normal, saying that “the bottles in question are part of a tradition in the FBI that started well over a decade ago, long before Director Patel arrived. Senior Bureau officials have long exchanged commemorative items in formal gift settings consistent with ethics rules. Director Patel has followed all applicable ethical guidelines and pays for any personal gift himself.”
Which, um, LOL, OK, well, that’s mighty embarrassing.
If Trump doesn’t fire Ka$h after this, for being such a beclowned human disappointment and a total fuckin’ pussy — lord, if his parents do not disown him for bringing shame upon his entire family — then we guess we’re just going to have to keep reading embarrassing stories about him until they do.
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Just remember, folks. Women are far too emotional to hold positions of policing/military leadership in Trump's administration.
That’s a bottle of Woodford Reserve. The shape of the bottle and the “WR” on the neck is a dead giveaway. Decent bourbon. Nothing exotic, you can get it off the shelf for $40 or so. My guess is that there’s a company in Bardstown that will buy bottles of bourbon and paint whatever you want on them for a steep up charge. It’s the sort of thing obnoxious bourbon fans would do.