Kash Patel Spent 11 [Hic!] Months Investigating Comey’s MURDERRRRR Seashells
James Comey seashells shesells by the ... wait! Let KA$H start again, ossifer, KA$H wasn't ready. Shomey sells James sells by ... shit! Stupid, KA$H! Stupid, stupid stupid!
Below you will find footage of two men you couldn’t be paid to show respect to, announcing yesterday that they are indicting James Comey for aggravated beachy Instagram seashell pictures.
You know the picture. The one where he found some seashells on the beach that somebody had arranged to say “86 47,” and proceeded to dad joke onto Instagram. The one they’re all pretending to believe was tantamount to a “violent threat,” when literally everybody who doesn’t eat paste and has a modicum of familiarity with American English slang knows simply means to get rid of.
These men are going to need you to pretend you’re a moron and don’t know what it actually means.
We start with (acting) Attorney General Todd Blanche, who we will not even pretend anymore is not acting as Donald Trump’s personal lawyer and personal and loving buttmuncher, announcing the FELONY CHARGES against the former FBI director, for the crime of walked on the beach and took a picture of some seashells. He explains that the indictment came from the (inbred US attorney at the) Eastern District of North Carolina, where Comey found the seashell formation, that Comey “knowingly and willfully [made] a threat to take the life of and inflict bodily harm upon the president of the United States.”
“Take the life of” AND “inflict bodily harm upon”? In that order, Todd? That’s some unique threatenin’!
Blanche, painting the sides of Donald Trump’s thin-skinned colon with his tongue thirsty as the Sahara, explained that both of the counts Comey is charged with carry maximum sentences of 10 years. (The second count is an interstate commerce charge, because he posted the influencer seashell threat on Instagram.) He did not mention that this case is going to get laughed out of court faster than a sober person can say the “She Sells Seashells By The Seashore” tongue twister, because he wants to keep his job and Daddy was watching him finger his butthole for the camera.
And now, here is KA$HLOL slurring his way through all his lines, with his stupid face and his ugly eyes somewhat tracking together, including a part where he says his FBI investigated James Comey’s seashells picture for NINE TO ELEVEN MONTHS — where did she sell the seashells and on which seashore, HMMMMM JAMES? (These are important questions you ask when you’re not investigating all the child rape in the Trump-Epstein Files.) There is another part where he appears to explain that part of the “evidence” the grand jury heard was that Comey apologized for posting the picture and deleted it. (You know, after Republicans pretended to get upset about it.)
That part is not in the indictment. Which would suggest KA$HLOL is end-of-bar-babbling “evidence” presented to the grand jury, which is supposed to be secret, which would mean KA$HLOL just violated grand jury secrecy rules. We are sure James Comey’s lawyers didn’t miss that, or any of the rest of this.
Surprised he hasn’t found a bullet at the crime scene yet. (It will be a transgender bullet, and a DEI bullet, and it will say “I am the transgender DEI bullet of James Comey.”)
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So this indictment, oh my God, Jesus fuck, y’all, it is just a really good indictment. And this thing did indeed come through a grand jury! Now, did the US attorney, W. Ellis Boyle, lie to the grand jury or otherwise mislead them or botch everything like that dumbfuck Baywatch lawyer Lindsey Halligan did with the first fake indictment of James Comey on fake charges, which also got summarily laughed out of court before she got run out of town? We will find out!
But what it says is that Comey “publicly posted a photograph on the internet social media site Instagram which depicted seashells arranged in a pattern making out ‘86 47’, which a reasonable recipient who is familiar with the circumstances would interpret as a serious expression of an intent to do harm to the President of the United States.”
Which is, to be nitpicky and legalese about it, a stupid fucking lie. These goddamned fascist sons of bitches desperately need you to be as bootlicking stupid as they are, hopefully with daddy issues like they have, which would cause you to defer to their Father Knows Best judgment that James Comey definitely meant to do a threat to the life of Donald Trump, just like they need you to be as bootlicking stupid as Melania needs you to be when she wails and lizard-screams through the hole in her human skin costume that Jimmy Kimmel’s jokes incited the shooter at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
Todd Blanche and Kash Patel need you to pretend to be as stupid as they are required to pretend to be (OK, Kash really is that stupid), because they need to keep their noses brown the way they like them, and FBI Director “I’m Not As Think As You KA$H I Am” Patel is trying to keep his job after all the reporting that’s been coming out about the quality of his job [HICCUP!] performance.
They also need you to have never worked in the service industry, because anyone who has knows that “86” is the universal lingo for “stop taking orders for the bloomin’ onion because we are out of bloomin’ onions.” There is no code in the restaurant industry that means “ASSASSINATE THE BLOOMIN’ ONIONS.”
Maybe if these assholes knew anybody who had ever worked in the service industry, they’d know this. Of course, if they knew anybody who had ever worked in the service industry, they might also understand why “No Tax On Tips” is a pointless dumbass policy.
Maybe if they had Urban Dictionary.
Maybe if they weren’t liars.
If you want a real fun takedown of the indictment, which reads as a post mortem for the Justice Department (hey inbreds, calling it a “post mortem” is not a threat either, it’s a common expression, just like “86”), written by a real lawyer, Ken White has you covered. A piece:
The point of the indictment is to demonstrate that the United States Department of Justice is wholly an instrument of Donald Trump’s senescent pique, no more independent of him than a boil on his ass. The point is to show that the administration can, and will, use the Department’s mechanisms to punish enemies. The point is to show that the Department can, and will, punish protected speech. The point is to show that the Department is staffed by committed fanatics willing to do anything, however unethical and unconstitutional, to promote Trump.
White puts this in context with the rest of the DOJ’s big week of rimjobbing the president to death. (This is an expression that means they really have been rimjobbing him enthusiastically. We do not mean to imply that the DOJ has killed the president with rimjobs.)
Consider:
The DOJ’s humiliatingly embarrassing filing this week in the Trump’s Beautiful Ballroom case, which reads like a Truth Social post and features zero legal arguments, but does refer to Trump Derangement Syndrome on the first page;
The latest filing in the Southern Poverty Law Center case where the SPLC calmly explains that the FBI didn’t “discover” the SPLC using paid informants because THE FBI HAS BEEN AWARE OF THAT THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME SINCE THEY LITERALLY WORKED TOGETHER ON ALL THESE CASES, YOU FUCKING MOUTHBREATHERS.
There is no level of legal humiliation the sycophantic whores at Trump’s DOJ will not put themselves through for Dear Leader.
Here is James Comey’s response, by the way. “Well, they’re back. This time about a picture of seashells on a North Carolina beach a year ago.” He said he’s not afraid, still believes in the independent judiciary, and “LET’S GO.” (But not in a threatening way, relax, Kash!)
Democratic Rep. Melanie Stansbury has a question:
Yes, that is an interesting question!
At press time, the Department of Justice was writing up its indictment of far right MAGA fascist Jack Posobiec for his “86 46” post during the Biden administration, and all those shops that sold “86 46” merch, just kidding no they weren’t.
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Of all people, Kash is surely aware that the term "86" is used when the bartender has decided that you've had enough and it's time to leave.
These motherfuckers are relentlessly stupid. Most pathetic little bitches in the history of pathetic little bitches.
Good luck proving Comey put the shells together, let alone malicious intent.
And to think Jimbo could've stopped all this by doing absolutely nothing, but chose to needlessly reopen the Hillary investigation 10 days before the election instead. He deserves due process, but he doesn't deserve sympathy or respect. Fuck him.