Kash Patel Is A Sober, Cool Dude Who Files Reasonable Lawsuits And Has Sex
Why are you laughing?
Yesterday afternoon, Donald Trump’s most enthusastic leg-humper and “former” personal lawyer at the DOJ, Todd Blanche, and his most enthusiastic leg-humper at the FBI, Kash Patel, held a joint press conference where they humped Trump’s legs together. And they both jizzed in record time!
They were there to announce that they had conjured up a completely bullshit way to indict the Southern Poverty Law Center, and an indictment that assumes that judges and courts are as stupid as the average Trump administration official. In essence, the indictment alleges that the SPLC is guilty of doing … exactly what the SPLC is supposed to be doing, and what its donors expect it to do, investigating and rooting out and exposing right-wing extremists. You can imagine why that makes the Nazis, incels, and other hate groups who make up the Trump Regime and its extended fluffer support system very mad!
But instead of the very dumb charges for the SPLC, those mean reporters wanted to talk about Kash Patel’s very dumb lawsuit against The Atlantic, which stands accused of committing the equally egregious crime of doing heavily sourced reporting about Kash Patel’s alleged status as the most paranoid, drunk basic bitch in the entire administration.
Watch this video and see what absolute raging weenuses Blanche and Patel are, queening out at reporters for daring to ask why KA$HLOL’s stupid lawsuit, filed by that squeaky little boy wonder lawyer Jesse Binnall, doesn’t even match his public contradictions of the story in The Atlantic regarding that time he reportedly got locked out of FBI systems and immediately had a paranoid freakout that he had been fired.
“I was never locked out of any systems!” KA$HLOL protested.
“Anyone who says the opposite is lying!” KA$HLOL whined, which was a really mean thing to say about his own lawsuit.
“You are off topic!” he bitched at the reporters, like anybody believes their indictment of the SPLC has merit. (We will lawsplain at you about it in the morning, these things take time.) C’mon, dudes, everybody knows neither Todd Blanche nor Kash Patel is a serious or real man.
And then Todd Blanche trying to come in and save Little Kash at the end there. LMAO.
Big men. BIG MEN!
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Here was another funny part. A reporter asked if FBI Director “I’m Not As Think As You KA$H I Am” Patel could say “unequivocally” that he’s never been “intoxicated or absent during your tenure as the FBI director”? Kash thought he sounded cool and normal and impressive when he responded by saying that “I can say unequivocally that I never listen to the fake news mafia.” He added, “When they get louder, it just means I’m doing my job.”
Then he started bragging about himself and his accomplishments, as if serious people don’t automatically laugh at him when they see him. At the end, he finally denied he had ever been “intoxicated on the job.” We’ll see how that all plays out in court, we guess, but The Atlantic seems pretty confident in its reporting, and Kash Patel is a human joke, so we know which way we’d Kalshi our Polymarkets, if we were a betting man!
Not that we’re saying Patel’s denials are meaningless or that he’s not a person of integrity — ha ha — but mean old House Democrats are nonetheless launching an investigation into Kash Patel’s drinking, or alleged drinking, or, you know, whatever this is:
Probably O’Doul’s, you guys.
Anyway, here’s Rep. Jamie Raskin:
“There are numerous accounts that you consume alcohol to the point of illness, direct profanity-laced outbursts at support staff, and pass out drunk behind locked doors in episodes making you so unreachable that agents have had to fetch SWAT-level breaching equipment to awaken you,” Raskin wrote to Patel.
Raskin called for Patel to complete the Alcohol Use Disorders Identification Test (AUDIT), which is a ten-question screening test to assess harmful alcohol consumption.
Do they have a second one of those tests to send over to the Pentagon? We are just asking.
“For the sake of our own security, we need to know, for example, ‘how many drinks containing alcohol do you have on a typical day when you are drinking,’ ‘how often during the last year have you failed to do what was normally expected from you because of drinking,’ ‘how often during the last year have you needed a first drink in the morning to get yourself going after a heavy drinking session,’ and ‘how often during the last year have you been unable to remember what happened the night before because you had been drinking?’” the Maryland Democrat wrote.
And then there’s mean old Rep. Ted Lieu, who said this week that Kash “appears to be a raging alcoholic” and that he “should go to rehab.”
But Kash is saying no, no, no.
In other news about Kash Patel’s very successful life, yesterday, the very same day as that press conference, a judge threw out Kash’s other defamation lawsuit, brought by the exact same superlawyers, where he was trying to sue former FBI guy Frank Figliuzzi for saying on MS NOW of Kash that “reportedly, he's been visible at nightclubs far more than he has been on the seventh floor of the Hoover building."
The judge, US District Court Judge George Hanks Jr. — a mean judge appointed by mean Barack Obama — said Figliuzzi’s statement was “rhetorical hyperbole that cannot constitute defamation,” and that “The Court finds that Figliuzzi's statement, when taken in context, cannot have been perceived by a person of ordinary intelligence as stating actual facts about Patel.”
Also that Kash failed to show, you know, defamation.
Keep walking that straight line, KA$HLOL.
You’re nailin’ it, buddy.
[Daily Beast / Newsweek]
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>>pass out drunk behind locked doors in episodes making you so unreachable that agents have had to fetch SWAT-level breaching equipment to awaken you<<
DAMN SON. I'm a Louisiana-level drinker but I have NEVER gotten so blackout drunk that I needed a SWAT team to wake my ass up.
...when he responded by saying that “I can say unequivocally that I never listen to the fake news mafia.”
In other words, he can't deny that he was drinking at work