Demon Heat Dome Hellscapes USA
We're here to help cool you down. Unless your heat broke already, in which case yay!
This week, we are all fried eggs on the sidewalk that is these United States. Okay, not all of us — some of you live in cooler zones in this ginormous country. Can we come over? Thanks. Anyway, our friends at CBS News are on the case:
CBS News senior weather and climate producer David Parkinson says 22 million people in the U.S. will be in places with the mercury soaring to at least 100 degrees this week, while 265 million will see it reach 90 degrees and 58 million are under heat advisories.
And yes, things are getting worse:
Last year the U.S. had the most heat waves — abnormally hot weather lasting more than two days — since 1936. In the South and Southwest, last year was the worst on record, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.
Guhhhhh. Because we care about you (and ourselves!), here are some helpful tips on how to take care of yourself and others during these rough days. The CDC article “Extreme Heat in Your Health” is a useful read, by the way.
Drink more water than usual. In this heat, you may perspire more than you realize.
When you’re sweating a lot, it’s a good idea to combine your water with a healthful snack or even a non-gross sports drink in order to replenish salt and minerals. Let electrolytes be your friends.
Taking a cool bath, shower, or dip in the nearest idyllic non-poisoned stream will do wonders for cooling your body down.
Avoid alcohol, sugary beverages, and caffeine (beyond what amount of morning coffee you need to remain stable and not throw somebody through a window).
Wear lightweight, loose clothing. You do not need your Spanx or your full-body leather catsuit this week, we promise.
Keep an eye on kids, elders, outdoor workers, and folks with disabilities and chronic illness (including mental illness). They’re all more likely to get sick due to extreme heat.
Take extra precautions for your pets. We know you’d never leave them in a parked car, for example, or forget to provide shade and cool drinking water.
Make sure food and medications are stored at the correct temperature.
If somebody goes pale and clammy, get them into air conditioning ASAP. A cool pool or bath will help, too. Rather than telling them to pound a jug of water, have them start with sips. If their pulse is weak, take them to the doctor. If they dry-heave or puke, take them to the doctor. In fact, when in doubt, take them to the doctor. This shit is no joke, and a trip to urgent care or the emergency room is not an overreaction in this weather.
Know the location of cooling centers in your area. The National Center for Healthy Housing has a database, but your local city council or town board may have more info. Fire stations and libraries are sometimes used for this purpose.
If there’s a great cooling station or nonprofit resource in your area to help people stay safe in this heat, shout them out in the comments. And know that while you are all obviously hot people at all times, we do not wish you to be the OH NO MY SKIN IS MELTING OFF MY FACE type of hot person, so please take good care.
Hey, remember when the first chapter of 'The Ministry for the Future' read like frightening near-future science fiction? Seems like we're getting there already: Something like 900 people have died from heat on the way to Mecca for this year's Hajj.
No, the answer is not to blame "religion." It's the greenhouse gases, folks.
𝗦𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲: 𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗕𝗼𝗿𝗼𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘇 𝗥𝗲𝗽𝗼𝗿𝘁: 𝗟𝗼𝘂𝗶𝘀𝗶𝗮𝗻𝗮 𝗢𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗿𝗼𝗼𝗺𝘀 𝗧𝗼 𝗗𝗶𝘀𝗽𝗹𝗮𝘆 𝗔𝗹𝗹 𝗧𝗲𝗻 𝗖𝗼𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗱𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗧𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗧𝗿𝘂𝗺𝗽 𝗛𝗮𝘀 𝗕𝗿𝗼𝗸𝗲𝗻
BATON ROUGE (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican governor of Louisiana signed a new law on Wednesday requiring every classroom in the state to display a poster listing all Ten Commandments that Donald J. Trump has broken.
Governor Jeff Landry said the poster would enable students “to keep track of how many Commandments they have broken so they can better follow Trump’s example.”
“At the end of each year, teachers will issue a report card indicating which Commandments the students have broken and which they have not,” the governor said. “If they have not broken all ten, they will be required to repeat the grade.”
“We want Louisiana's students to grow up to be productive felons," he added.
Critics, however, said the law would give some students an unfair advantage, since children of Republican officials start learning how to break the Ten Commandments almost from birth.
Link: https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/louisiana-orders-classrooms-to-display