Donald Trump Spends Christmas Working Self Into Aneurysm, We Hope
Help us, exploding blood vessel.
Ah, Christmas Day. Time to open gifts, catch up with family, watch some football, finish a book, cook a darn good turkey meatloaf (not all Jews head for the nearest Chinese restaurant), drink homemade eggnog spiked with liberal amounts of bourbon, and rant like a fucking lunatic on social media that you’re going to take healthcare away from 330 million people. Wait, what?
262 173 paid Wonkette subscriptions to go to get to 5000 — and if we do by the new year, we’ll replace all pictures of terrible people with pictures of cats for ONE WEEK.
Yep, that was Donald Trump’s Christmas, or at least that last one was, since we doubt the man has cooked himself a meal or cracked a book in his life. (Okay, he might have read Mein Kampf.) So he had to do something with his time:
“Obamacare is too expensive, and otherwise, not good healthcare. I will come up with a much better, and less expensive, alternative! People will be happy, not sad!”
Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! Here’s to Your Favorite President making life more miserable for anyone (which is everyone) enmeshed in America’s Rube-Goldberg-on-meth hash of a healthcare system! Higher premiums! Less coverage! More chaos! Happy holidays!
Unless former President Brainworms is thinking of instituting single-payer. In which case, hey, go for it.
And promising to throw the nation’s entire healthcare system into an uproar was the mildest of Trump’s Christmas Day social media rants. He also spent a chunk of his daily Diaper Time denouncing all the ways he is being persecuted worse than Jesus:
It cannot be said often enough: If your elderly relative was constantly ranting and raving about conspiracies against him like the unholy love child of Alex Jones and a satanically possessed Chatty Cathy doll, you’d throw him in a locked ward and pump him full of enough Thorazine to put Godzilla in a deep coma. Trump does it and his lead in Pennsylvania increases.
Someone tell the White House we’ve already got the names for the two turkeys to be pardoned next Thanksgiving.
Did you leave your drunk, gibbering right-wing uncle off the Christmas guest list this year so you could for once have some fucking peace and quiet? Not an option in the Trump family, which owes its money and power to this self-pitying sack of hair. We’d feel a slight twinge of sympathy for them if they weren’t all such a merry band of willing assholes.
Poor Trump. Can’t relax and enjoy all the hosannas being tossed at him by his fans all day long, because DERANGED JACK SMITH and CROOKED JOE and all the WOKE THUGS are conspiring against him:
Merry Christmas to my persecutors! Also, may they rot in hell! Also, Merry Christmas!
Many people are saying no one has ever had it worse than Donald Trump. Many are saying that what Jack Smith is doing to him is worse than the Roman authorities making Jesus wear thorns on his head and driving nails through his palms. Many people are telling Donald Trump this.
Slightly over ten months until the election, and the end of America.
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Who doesn't love that John Lennon classic, "Happy Christmas, Obamacare is Over"?
He had four years to figure out a new health care system, and the best he could come up with was staring directly into the sun during an eclipse. I don’t know that four more years is going to yield better results.