Dusty Peloton Domestic Drama!
Welcome to an occasional advice column by me, Sara Benincasa, a person with many opinions. This column will not diagnose or “cure” anything at all! Hopefully, reading it will entertain and perhaps comfort you. Think of it as a big hug from your cool, weird auntie who thinks it’s okay to be gay or straight or bisexual or pansexual asexual or demisexual or whatever the hell feels right to you because she loves you for you, dammit! Send questions to saratoninnewsletter@gmail.com. If I use your question, I’ll keep you anonymous.
My husband and I inherited his grandmother’s home, so we are selling our place in our boring, overpriced city and moving to the countryside. We’re both grateful. But I am full of rage over all the shit he wants to lug out there, like the candlesticks we got as wedding gifts ten years ago that simply collect dust. We optimistically bought a Peloton on a payment plan in mid-2020. It’s the most expensive clothing rack we’ve ever owned. I want to sell it. He wants to keep it in case we finally become Peloton people (we will never be Peloton people). I have so many more examples. Please help me to not yell terrible things at this man I love. Sincerely, Woman Who Wasted Money On A Fitness Thing Because It Was The Pandemic
Dear WWWMOAFTBIWTP:
I, too, bought a Peloton on a payment plan once upon a time. It is an excellent product but it’s useless if we don’t get anything out of it. I used it under 20 times in two years and finally sold it to some nice people who became my pals.
Perhaps your husband feels he is obligated to hang onto things that cost money. Maybe he feels like a loser if he admits these objects are simply unnecessary. I am aware this is not logical, but most non-essential purchases are not based in logic.
He is acting from a place of emotion, because he is a human being who has feelings. We love that he is not a robot! We do not want to shame him for this. Still, life feels better with less garbage hanging around.
I suggest sitting him down and saying, “Jehosophat [I assume this is his real name], I love you very much and wish to do makeouts as well as frolic in the fields of our new grandma land. I am unhappy that we have accumulated so many things we don’t use. I acknowledge that I’ve participated in some of this. But we are in debt and it’s expensive to pay for movers to schlep extra stuff. Plus, a tidy home makes me feel better. We are not experts in organizing and decluttering. How about we read books or watch shows to learn what these bizarre but wise professionals say?”
Always lead with “I” statements. You can’t control his feelings, and you also can’t speak for him. Just calmly express what you feel and think.
If he’s open to this approach, it can almost be fun. One of you may enjoy Marie Kondo’s TV show, but the other may despise it. I liked it! Try The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margareta Magnusson. I love the audiobook version, and now there’s even a TV series! I have never seen The Home Edit, but some people dig it. Ask friends for their suggestions. Ask him which decluttering expert seems most appealing or least unappealing. Agree to apply that individual’s particular method and see it through ‘til the end.
You may still find that anger, sorrow, hurt, shame and fear come up during this process. If this experience is triggering more than you or he can handle, it is entirely acceptable and advisable to seek professional help. This could mean bringing in a professional organizer. This could also mean speaking to a counselor. You’ll get through this, and you don’t have to do this alone.
How do I get rid of my insomnia? It sucks. - Sleepless in Wherever
Dear SIW:
I could recycle the usual advice about not drinking caffeine after noon, doing daily exercise, starting a meditation practice, trying a sleepytime podcast or ASMR, reducing your sugar intake, etc. And that is all valuable. But I assume you know that stuff and wrote to me in a late-night moment of frustration.
I have friends and family members who’ve benefited from sleep studies, CPAP machines, aromatherapy, better mattresses and pillows, chiropractic, a sleep monitor app on their watch, and all of the methods named above. It’s frustrating to find your own recipe, but I do know that scrolling one’s phone in bed is not recommended.
Personally, I find that a lack of annoying noise, an eye mask, the right pillows, and a cool (but not cold!) temperature help me a LOT. Also, unless I’ve had a giant Italian meal for dinner, a nighttime espresso is inadvisable.
If none of these DIY solutions work, talk to your primary care physician. I’m not saying you need sleep-inducing medication. But doctors go to doctor school for a long-ass time, and sometimes they know useful things. Be sure to let the doctor know if you are on an SSRI or other medication. Even an over-the-counter supplement may be affecting your sleep in ways you don’t know.
As ever, I am sure the commenters will have advice of their own on the above questions. It is 12:48 a.m. and I simply must enjoy a luxurious post-midnight snack of a handful of oyster crackers and a glass of water. SEXT!!!!!! Goodnight!
Staying asleep through the whole night can be a problem. When the striking antique clock chorus tells me I've been awake longer than 30 minutes, I get up quietly (don't wake the wife and dogs) and take a non-screen-fed book to the kitchen, dim the lights, have a cup of herbal tea with honey and usually get sleepy again. If not, I guess the day starts early. Being retired helps. I can promise myself a nap later.
If you take seroquel, or even if you don't, take it at night and break it in half.*
*The ER, or extended release kind. (Longtime brutal insomniac here. I take Melatonin with it. Works for me.)