112 Comments

Those were the days of two-fisted, rugged journalists exposing political corruption by space aliens and Bat Boy.

Obviously Ms. Hillary had been seduced by a smooth talking charmer from the outer Oort Belt. Who can blame her? She's only human! That rascal in the picture only had one thing on his twelve minds.

Expand full comment

The Donald floated in his anti-gravity cloud asleep. The massage therapist set up her table and arranged the tools of her trade: the music web to relax the client, the incense, the holographic art projection, the towel and the candle.

Donald drifted down to the floor and turned the anti-grav off.As he disrobed, panels in the ceiling opened and four Secret Service Grav-droids floated into the room. Simple machines which hovered around the Emperor For Life of the whole planet. Each grav-droid was armed with a variety of weapons. No one who made any attempt to harm Donald would escape a quick, computer-targeted death.

But this massage therapist was the 17th assassin sent to make the attempt and she had been training for three years for this chance. Accelochrome, masked by pain killers coursed through her blood and the hidden weapons in the table had evaded detection thanks to the bandwidth scrambling nanotech shielding. People had died obtaining that tech and the massage therapist had no intention of letting their sacrifice be wasted.

Next: Don't Touch That!

Expand full comment

Oh This is good! Know what Wonkette needs?

Classes on effective ways to create wall posters that can spruce up our various neighborhoods.

There are graphic artists here at wonkette. Couldn't they share a few moments to show us a some techniques etc which can be used by the rest of us?

Just a thought.

Expand full comment

It don't mean a thing until that special lubricant is slathered upon their condoms.

Expand full comment

From Fox.

What Donald Trump must do to defeat Hillary Clinton

http://www.foxnews.com/opin...

Hands up anyone who thinks he can actually do these things.

Expand full comment

It's a shopping list of fantasy based on Trump suddenly becoming everything he is not. Delivering policy speeches at the convention, Declaring exactly how he will work with our Mid-East allies to fight terror, creating an Internet presence and getting out the vote. Fox also thinks he has created new Republicans already because so many are turning out to vote. They want him clean, coherent and professional.

Expand full comment

It's really simple. If Trump Craptures all the Lust Belt States, forges an alliance with the Lazy Boy Boy contingent and successfully woos the Bimbo demographic, he will win small hands down.

Expand full comment

doesn't she? I wonder what brilliant wonker gifted it to her, I'm sure if I concentrate hard enough, I will remember.

Expand full comment

I'm going shopping for the proper onesie right now.

Expand full comment

I have to admit I lost it at the suggestion of selecting Newt Gingrich as his running mate: " . . . his intellect and vision are sorely needed in a dysfunctional government."

Expand full comment

Except does he know what a watt is?

Expand full comment

Is that in order of assessed value in 1910?

Expand full comment

Long story short, there's always plenty of derp to go around.

Expand full comment

More importantly, I could kiss Emma Watson all day. I wouldn't touch Trumpelstiltskin with a 100-meter pole.

Expand full comment

Look on the bright side: that girl's gonna keep psychiatrists busy for years to come.

Expand full comment

Mix in Cindy McCain to REALLY freak people out.

Expand full comment