Even Don Jr. Wishes Joe Biden Was His Dad
Nobody in their right mind would want to be raised the way Trump treated his kids.
Following the conviction of Hunter Biden yesterday on three (3) felony weapon paperwork charges, the eldest failson of the previous president took to the electric Tweetin’ machine to complain bitterly that it’s just not FAIR how some press stories seemed interested in how the matter might be affecting the Biden family — especially considering how mean the media usually is to Junior’s own father, who is a far better human, parent, husband, Christian, and philosopher. Don Jr. was especially irked at a Washington Post headline that said “Hunter Biden guilty verdict could take personal toll on president.” (Not a gift link because we won’t get into the article beyond that hed.)
But what about my daddy, whined Don Jr., what about the personal toll he must have suffered when I was persecuted?
Don Jr.: Funny, I seem to have missed all the sympathetic articles towards my dad when scumbags dems had me do 50 hours of congressional testimony for treason (a crime punishable by death) in their totally made up Russia Hoax. Guess I missed the papers that day?!?
Oh, Junior. That is not how SAT analogies work at all. For it to be cromulent, your father would have to love you, and defend you when people are noting with bemused horror how much your teeth grind in your videos, not “sympathize with your dad for you being subject to a subpoena for meeting with the Russians about ‘adoptions’ and then lucky for everyone Bill Barr closed the case.” And really, we’re not sure your father thinks of you much in general, apart from how you can be deployed as a campaign prop and fundraising tool. No, not even if you try really hard to make people think you were risking your very life in an investigation for “treason,” the legal definition of which Democrats actually know.
Also, we glanced at your dad’s account at his private Twitter substitute, and, well, you probably already suspected this, but no, your father did not copy your message of concern about his personal wellbeing in relation to your sufferings. Not a word of acknowledgement, but you’re no doubt accustomed to that. If you weren’t such a complete shit we might even feel bad for you, but instead we’ll feel bad for all the children whose parents were terrible but who manage to be OK people anyway.
Let’s just remind ourselves what sort of father Junior is standing up for, shall we? Back during the 2016 presidential campaign, we learned so much about what a warm, loving family man Donald Trump Sr. was, like that time he stopped paying the medical bills for his nephew’s seriously ill infant because Trump was mad at the baby’s father, Fred Trump III. Tough luck, kid.
And then there’s Don Jr.’s own account of how his father taught him and brother Eric to be excellent businessmen, if not functioning adult human beings. Junior shared the story in an interview with a CNBC show in 2006, and Mother Jones excavated it during the 2016 campaign. Sadly, the video appears to have gone down the internet memory hole since then, but we still have the transcript, in which Junior reminisced about what host Donnie Deutsch called the “next-generation billionaire secrets” the Great Man passed on to his firstborn son:
You know, this is an interesting one. I learned it from my father at a very young age. It's a funny story, because it just goes to show how typical a business guy he is:
I used to kiss him before going to school every morning, right? Seven o'clock in the morning, I'm going to school — hugs, kisses, and he used to say a couple things. "No smoking, no drinking, no drugs." I think a great lesson for any kid. But then he followed up with: “Don't. Trust. Anyone. Ever.” And, you know, he'd follow it up two seconds later with, “So, do you trust me?” I'd say, “Of course, you're my dad.” He'd say, “What did I just —” You know, he thought I was a total failure. He goes, “My son's a loser, I guess.” Because I couldn't even understand what he meant at the time. I mean, it's not something you tell a four-year-old, right? But it really means something to him, because he knows so many people who've been taken advantage of, whether it's by colleagues — I'm sure we've all seen that — but even families.
So he's just, he always has his guard up, and it's something really important for business. Someone really always wants what you have, especially when you're on top in the position that he's in. So he's always been very guarded about that.
BEST. DAD. EVER. And as we said back in the before times, for once we didn’t suspect a Trump was lying with that story. Also, who tells a four-year-old to avoid smoking, drinking and drugs? More age-appropriate to remind them to look both ways when crossing!
Oh yes, and then there was the incident when Don Jr. was 12 and his parents were getting divorced. His mother, Ivana Trump, wrote that while she shielded Eric and Ivanka from the truth, she told Don Jr. that his father was cheating with Marla Maples, and he stopped speaking to his dad. But he witnessed this charming scene between his parents, as Julia Ioffe wrote in a 2018 GQ story:
Soon after that, as Trump engaged Ivana in an epic public feud, he dispatched a bodyguard to his triplex apartment with instructions to bring his elder boy down to his office. Don, still not talking to his father, descended with the bodyguard to the 28th floor, and a few minutes later, Ivana, who described all this in her book, got a phone call. It was Trump, looking for some leverage by announcing that he was going to keep Don and raise him alone.
“Okay, keep him,” Ivana said she told him. “I have two other kids to raise.”
A few minutes later—his bluff out-bluffed—Trump ordered his boy to be taken back upstairs. “Donald never had any intention of keeping his son,” Ivana wrote.
The very best family values!
But let’s not forget this similarly cheery story from People magazine’s summary of Emily Jane Fox’s 2018 book Born Trump, based on people who knew him in college:
While an undergraduate at the University of Pennsylvania, Trump Jr. reportedly earned a reputation around campus for his rowdy, inebriated habits — notably, passing out in his classmates' rooms, and wetting their beds.
"Diaper Don would wake up in some stranger's dorm room or off-campus apartment or bedroom in his frat house, covered in piss, walk back to his own room, and get blitzed that evening or the next anew," Fox writes.
Fox also wrote about this incident, a real “Cat’s in the Cradle” story of a lad emulating a dad, although Trump pere is a teetotaller:
The young Trump's rambunctious reputation only intensified on a spring break trip to Jamaica amid March Madness frenzy, Fox writes. Drunk and bitter over a basketball loss to Florida State, Trump Jr. stood up on a table and chanted to Florida students, "That's all right! That's okay! You're gonna work for us someday."
So yes, we can see why Don Junior would be upset by a story about a fuckup presidential son whose father loves him and embraces him no matter what. Like, even without that unconfirmed story about the elder Trump slapping Don Junior in front of his friends because Donnie didn’t wear a suit to a baseball game.
This Reddit discussion of Joe Biden hugging his son Hunter brought out 11,000 comments from people wishing Joe were the dad they’d had. Seems like Don Jr., on the inside — and who could blame him, and now we feel sad for Don Jr. — feels the same.
Dunno about you all, but I’m thinking we should keep the dad who knows a thing or two about empathy and compassion. Happy Father’s Day to those who can celebrate, and Happy Found Families day (or just have a nice Sunday) to those who see no reason to. We’re all in this crazy thing together. Heck, maybe even Don Jr. could get into therapy someday and … OK, nah, let’s not stretch things.
OPEN THREAD!
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[GQ / Mother Jones / People / Miami New Times]
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You’d almost feel bad for the dumb, unloved son, except he’s a huge asshole who deserves no sympathy.
On Friday I am off on a long train trip from NY to Indiana. They definitely take the long way around as my journey takes me through NJ, PA, DE, MD, a 45 minute minute stop in D.C. and continuing across Virginia, then WV, KY, OH and finally Indiana.