Everyone Was A Winner At The Woke Olympics!
Except MAGA whiners, as usual, womp womp.
The 2026 Olympic Games have concluded in Milan and Cortina, Italy, and what a woke group of winners! When we last checked in at the opening of the games, President Putts-a-Lot was whining about athletes speaking out against his policies, and the most unpopular vice president in US history, JD Vance, was getting booed during the opening ceremonies. He was also the subject di proteste when his giant motorcade clogged traffic on Milano’s strade strette — almost making skater Alysa Liu miss the short program event — and then got booed again while leaving the US v. Finland women’s ice hockey match.
The least popular American at the Olympics since Tonya Harding! Though after slow wet fart noise JD went home the US women’s ice hockey team went on to win the gold, beating Canada in an overtime nailbiter.
On Sunday, Jack Hughes scored the winning goal for the US men’s hockey team. Here he is last year talking about how supporting Pride nights at hockey games is important to him, because he was raised with good family values.
Unlike certain other losers and professional complainers of the Riley Gaines variety, woke don’t choke! We’re still fleshing out the bumper sticker in committee.
But anyway, what a nice young man, so much more pleasant to watch than FBI Director Kash Patel, who is 45 years of goddamn age, swilling beer like a frat pledge and pathetically trying to act like he’s a part of the team and friends with those guys instead of less relevant to its success than whoever disinfects the jockstraps.
You can really see the sucking-up technique that got Patel where he is today, though — artistic displays so worshipful, kiss-ass and painfully cringe they’d be beneath the dignity of a golden retriever in a pâté factory.
Also Kash Patel:
Speaking of dirty jockstraps, did anyone miss Russia or Belarus? They’ve been banned since 2022 over that whole invasion-of-Ukraine they did. Russia was already under a four-year ban for manipulating its laboratory doping data. The games were not shown on Russian television, though some Russian athletes did participate as “Athletes Individuels Neutres,” individually neutral. If Donald Trump actually goes for invading Canada and/or Greenland, that could be our athletes.
In figure skating, Ilia Malinin, AKA Quad God went off kilter, but woke baddies Alysa Liu and Amber Glynn delivered. (And they all kicked ass at the figure skating gala, so look up those performances.)
Oakland, California, native Liu, who once had a “they” pronoun in bio, won gold in both the team and the singles competition. Her father is a Chinese dissident who came to the US as a refugee after leading pro-democracy demonstrations in Guangzhou in 1989. Just the sort of people the Trump/Vance regime doesn’t want to let in, though still somehow the Republicans are trying to claim her. Liu and her family have been targeted by Chinese spies, too, because the Chinese government will track and harass dissidents and their families anywhere. When Liu turned down millions to skate for China, Liu’s father had to hire security for her.
And there was skater Amber Glenn, who identifies as pansexual and bisexual, and won gold in the team event. Glenn only follows two politicians on social media, AOC and Zohran Mamdani, and she slammed Trump as the Games were getting underway:
It’s been a hard time for the community overall in this administration. It isn’t the first time that we’ve had to come together as a community and try and fight for our human rights. And now especially it’s not just affecting the queer community but many other communities, and I think that we are able to support each other in a way that we didn’t have to before, and, because of that, it’s made us a lot stronger. I hope I can use my platform and my voice throughout these Games to try and encourage people to stay strong in these hard times. I know that a lot of people say, ‘You’re just an athlete, like, stick to your job, shut up about politics,’ but politics affect us all. It is something that I will not just be quiet about, because it is something that affects us in our everyday lives. So, of course, there are things that I disagree with, but, as a community, we are strong and we support each other, and brighter days are ahead of us.
There was also curler Rich Ruohonen, an attorney and Minnesota native, who criticized recent federal law enforcement actions in the state, saying the operations were “wrong” and violated Americans’ constitutional rights. Plus a couple others who notably spoke out.
The Olympics were political because the Olympics have always been political. And they always will be. But this year woke won. As it always will, because diversity actually is strength.
The end!
I saw the Russian women were making catty comments online about Alysa Liu “bigger” performance.
Sorry she actually looked like she was enjoying herself out there and not performing at gunpoint while suffering from an eating disorder!
Oh, Marcie, this is gold: "beneath the dignity of a golden retriever in a pâté factory"