Felon Trump’s Got A Date With The New York Probation Department

... but no peeing in a cup, or public mugshot. Sad.

According to MSNBC, rapist, fraud and thoity-four-times convicted felon Donald J. Trump has a hot date on Monday with the New York City probation department for a pre-sentencing report interview. 

Unfortunately it is over video, for you sick fucks who chortled darkly at the idea of the former president lowering his saggy drawers to flop his high-mileage hog into a cup before the watchful eyes of officers making $68K a year, and the body-shamers hoping to learn his actual weight. If he goes to prison, inmate’s weights are not made public. Drug testing will come later, 15 days after he is sentenced to probation, or if he’s sentenced to prison, 15 days after he gets out:

“The defendant shall refrain from any unlawful use of a controlled substance. The defendant shall submit to one drug test within 15 days of release from imprisonment or placement on probation and at least two periodic drug tests thereafter.”

So the former president is free to dip into Dr. Ronny Jackson’s private pill reserve for at least another month, then will have a 15-day stretch to dry out his liver before he has to piss in a cup.

And, we will probably never see his New York mugshot. Thanks to Andrew Cuomo and New York’s bleeding-heart legislature, state law was changed in 2019 so that booking photos are only released if there’s a legitimate law enforcement purpose, like locating a wanted suspect, because the pics were being used for those pay-to-take-it-down extortion scams. Protecting convicts’ privacy, what’s next, sentencing people to massages, warm milk and cookies and Frette sheets at bedtime?!

However, per Florida law Section 775.13, as a convicted felon from out of state, Trump must have registered his convicted-felonious ass with the Palm Beach County Sheriff within 48 hours of arrival, lest he be charged with a second-degree misdemeanor. He’s supposed to be photographed and fingerprinted for that, and Florida does make booking photos public. No word if there will be one.

The pre-sentencing report will include Victim Impact Statements, so y’all get to work on those, making sure to turn them in before sentencing on July 11. 

The assignment, per the New York Courts:

The Victim Impact Statement is the crime victim’s story of how the crime affected his or her life, how life was before the crime compared to after the crime, and how the crime has impacted other people. The Victim Impact Statement may include:

• Details of physical impact, like injuries, disfigurement, disability, ongoing medical treatment and rehab

• Details of emotional and psychological impact, like feelings of guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, depression, loss of trust, safety or security concerns, insomnia, nightmares, counseling, substance abuse

• Details of financial impact, like medical bills, counseling expenses, transportation costs to medical and court appointments, loss of income

• Details of lifestyle, family, or social impact, like changes in routine, childcare, divorce, no longer participating in events or activities, no longer driving, no longer working, forced relocation

• A statement about what outcome the crime victim would like and why.

Oh, how has life been different since Herr VonShitzinpantz used FAKE NEWS ELECTION INTERFERENCE to steal millions of votes from Hillary? What might our world have been instead, with Trump a simple horny failed game show host, spending his days cheating at golf, and the rest of us not once having to think about places his dong and our national defense secrets have been? What if the pandemic early warning system wasn’t shut down by him, and COVID was contained before a million people died, what if three SCOTUS seats were filled with little RBGs? Shoulda, coulda, woulda. How to quantify such a thing?

Anyway, the guy whose face graces many a “NEVER SURRENDER” .45 must surrender his firearms or give them to Junior. WHAT PART OF UN-ABRIDGED DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND?

He has until July 11 (four days before the Republican convention!) to find $10,000 in his couch cushions to pay those contempt fines he owes. The officer may ask if he associates with people who have a criminal record, which will be verboten if he gets parole. No more balmy Jon Secada serenadings at Mar-a-Lago for you, Sidney Powell, Jenna Ellis, Kenny, Paulie, Petey! Stay in the chum bucket! Do pardoned criminals like Stone, Flynn and Bannon count? (Of course Bannon is supposed to be heading to prison himself soon.)

Also in the pre-sentence report,

.. a statement about what happened, the defendant’s personal history and criminal record. The pre-sentence report is a chance for the defendant’s lawyer to say good things about the defendant, like that the defendant is in a counseling program or has a steady job and takes care of an ailing family member. The pre-sentence interview is a chance for the defendant to try to make a good impression and explain why he or she deserves a lighter punishment.

Being in a counseling program, caring for an ailing family member, isn’t that a picture to imagine with that raging narcissist. Ah, to be a fly on the wall while Todd Blanche begs for mercy for poor, elderly Donald, trying to convince probation officers that actually he’s wiwwy wiwwty sowwy for breaking the ewection wawz (´｡• ω •｡`)!!

Yeah, it’s not the full cavity search and piss tests he would’ve gotten if he had been picked up for selling a rock of crack outside of a bodega. The prosecution might not even ask for prison time at all. But, it’s sure not a good look for soccer mommy voters, either.

[NY Courts]