We were planning on writing something about how new House Speaker Mike Johnson is a dangerously kooky rightwing fundamentalist young earth creationist who thinks that “what we read in the Bible are actual historical events,” and who also thinks that abortion causes school shootings because “when you break up the nuclear family, when you tell a generation of people that life has no value, no meaning, that it’s expendable, then you do wind up with school shooters.”
But then we got distracted by this New York Times story (sorry, running out of gift links but you can find the information elsewhere if you’re less lazy than we are) on the Louisiana Republican’s close, good-for-campaign contributions relationship with the fossil fuel industry, and his refusal to accept the scientific consensus that burning oil, coal, and gas is the primary cause of climate change. He’s one of those weasels who thinks it’s cute and very sciencey to say shit like
“The climate is changing, but the question is, is it being caused by natural cycles over the span of the Earth’s history? Or is it changing because we drive S.U.V.s? I don’t believe in the latter. I don’t think that’s the primary driver.”
And of course he thinks that policies aimed at transitioning from fossil fuels to renewable energy are “a thinly veiled attempt to implement the policies that would usher in a new socialist society in America.”
But then Evan pointed us to this NBC News story about Johnson’s long admiration for fake history charlatan David Barton, who makes up just-so stories about history to claim that America has always been a Christian nation, right down to claiming that the Constitution and Declaration of Independence are directly based on the Bible and that the South only practiced slavery because plantation owners weren’t familiar with the actual contents of the Bible.
Barton also thinks climate change is caused by God’s anger over abortion, so we’re sure he and Johnson can come up with a dandy bill to fix global warming and school shootings at the same time, because it will be a national abortion ban. One that also changes the outcome of the 2020 election and makes Donald Trump president for life and bans gay marriage, another Johnson hobbyhorse.
All in all, we figure, it might just be easier to list some really normal things Johnson believes, based on our extensive reading and whatever we could make up on the spur of the moment.
So here are Five Pretty Normal Things Mike Johnson Believes, Probably.
Mike Johnson likes Christmas (as long as you don’t refer to “holiday trees,” because if you do, look out)
Mike Johnson believes that in America, you drive on the right side of the street. (We have seen no evidence that he has ever said otherwise.)
Mike Johnson believes in Social Security and Medicare. But also that they should be cut.
Mike Johnson believes that Firefly should have had at least one more season. (Not verified, but come on, who doesn’t?)
Mike Johnson believes in elections he wins.
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This is a guy who'd be happier if I didn't exist. I shall continue to vex him with my very existence for as long as possible.
I just learned that Mike Johnson is the least experienced person to be elected Speaker since the Civil War.
Maybe Lauren Boebert can give him a hand.