Sorry to say, but we are in for two solid weeks of America’s weirdest, most oversensitive, most easily frightened citizens being in histrionics 24/7 over the Kansas City Chiefs, AKA Travis Kelce and his MVP Taylor Swift, going to the Super Bowl. Their squirrel brains are so twisted by this that Twitter is full of MAGA wingnuts begging people to support the San Francisco Values 49ers over the Midwestern team from Real America.
Yesterday we had a roundup of part of the meltdown, replete with conspiracy theories about how Taylor Swift has rigged the Jewish Space Lasers to make all the footballs endorse Joe Biden at halftime. (Or something.)
This morning we have some Fox News, which spent a lot of time on this yesterday.
Please, please, please, they are begging Taylor Swift fans, please do not listen to her. The way of Taylor Swift is death, whereas the way of Fox News and the white supremacist unfuckable Nazi pig garbage that watches it — especially the criminal they’ve selected to run for president — is life.
We’ll start with Fox News and Outkick.com idiot Charly Arnolt just absolutely begging Swifties not to vote the way Taylor Swift says, please, please, please. (Outkick.com, you will be surprised to learn, is not a sports website that mostly focuses on crotch shots of dude soccer players. No, instead, it’s sports for white conservatives who cry unvaccinated cuck tears when they see Taylor Swift on TV during football games.)
Watch:
Arnolt says there are online pleas for people to become 49ers fans for two weeks, “just so it doesn’t raise Travis Kelce AKA Mr. Pfizer’s star power along with of course Taylor Swift.” (They call him Mr. Pfizer, because we guess these shut-ins like getting sick to own the libs.) Why don’t these people want to raise Kelce’s and Swift’s star power? Because — and Arnolt says this is so scary — there was a poll what said a fifth of Swift’s fans would vote for whomever she endorsed. Isn’t that scary? Have you ever heard of Americans not being fully informed when they go into the voting booth?
Fox News cannot imagine.
The poll in question actually said 18 percent of voters in general would be more likely to back somebody Taylor Swift backed, so it is even more terrifying-er than the Fox News GayKick.com website lady says. Of course, 17 percent said they’d be less likely, which kind of cancels out the first thing. The Fox News dipshit read it wrong, is our point.
You’re going to think we made up this next vapid quote, but it’s real:
ARNOLT: … [P]eople need to be careful, because [Taylor Swift] doesn’t do what she says! Like for example the other day, yesterday, she flew private from New York City to Baltimore. Yet she constantly talks about climate change! Just please don’t believe everything Taylor Swift says, we’re all begging you!
Hooray, that old white conservative canard that says that if extremely rich and powerful people ever fly on private planes, then all the approximately 100 percent of real climate scientists who say climate change is real and caused by humans must be faking it. It’s one of the stupidest fucking things any human can say.
But while we’re on the subject of saying dumb shit, Judge Boxwine Pirro also begged Taylor Swift to please stay out of politics, please, please [BURP] pleeeeeeeease.
PIRRO: Why would someone as popular as she is alienate — and I’m not saying you know, what’s going to be, ‘Yeah, people are going to hate her’ — but why alienate your fans and Swifties? You know, they come across from every political ideology, why put yourself in one area?
Because any potential MAGA Swifties that exist don’t matter, Taylor Swift probably doesn’t want MAGA fans in the first place, and if they’re teens, the second they graduate from high school and move away to college they won’t be MAGA anymore anyway, so fuck it?
Pirro also cited the poll Charly Arnolt cited, but she managed to read it correctly, including the part about how a roughly equal number of voters are less likely to vote for a Taylor Swift-backed candidate. Good job, Judge Boxwine!
She concluded:
PIRRO: So don’t get involved, don’t get involved in politics, we don’t want to see you there.
Correction: White MAGA Nazis don’t want to see you there. Fuck off.
One more Fox News mouthbreather below the fold, spoiler it’s Greg Gutfeld.
Gutfeld thought he scored a big GOTCHA! on Fox lib Jessica Tarlov by saying out loud that one of the biggest issues motivating young voters and Swifties and women (and all normal people) is ABORTION. Tarlov made him look like an ass.
He sneered the word, as if he was making a clever point. “You don’t have to whisper it,” replied Tarlov. “Abortion is a really big issue, and it matters a lot to women on both sides of the aisle.”
Gutfeld, not understanding that he just lost the argument: “I just wanted to make it clear, that’s all! Because people always say women’s issues, but they never say ABORTION.”
We agree, Greg Gutfeld, people should skip the euphemisms and say ABORTION more. Americans fucking love ABORTION and they want to cock punch every white MAGA fascist who’s ever taken their ABORTION rights away.
And they’ve been doing that every fucking time they’ve gone to the polls ever since the illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade.
And yeah, Taylor Swift is probably going to help make that happen in November.
Go cry your eyes out in hell if you don’t like it.
[videos via Aaron Rupar / Justin Baragona / Kat Abughazaleh]
YESTERDAY!
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
If you're shopping on Amazon anyway, this portal gives us a small commission.
So... yeah...
Wasn't it, I dunno, somewhere around two weeks ago where these same RWNJs were saying that KC's season was basically over because of the TaySwift curse and Kelce's extreme pussifying, or something like that (I dunno, it was dumb, I was hardly paying attention)? But now she's this all powerful goddess that can just make game winning happen, like a sports "fetch?"
It's all about the consistency. Meaning it's all about whatever they believe at any given moment to give them the most pantsloads.
Time to dust off this old nugget:
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous. ' And God granted it."
-Voltaire