Fox News Saw Taylor Swift Doing A Beer
The reactions this time around, oh boy they're stupid.
Let’s check in and see what fainting couches they’ve set up for themselves at Fox News, regarding this year’s Super Bowl and its high priestess Taylor Swift.
Did she … did she … enjoy herself?
Did she … drink a beer whilst enjoying herself?
This shall not stand, as the entire ethos of conservatism is to always be seething and angry that somewhere, someone might be having fun.
The characters are Lisa Boothe, some weird asshole, and Harris Faulkner, the most transparently two-faced, performatively pious person in the entire building. Skip ahead to the 3:00 mark if you don’t want to endure the parts of the clip we’re not currently making fun of.
LISA BOOTHE (FOX NEWS CONTRIBUTOR): I find Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce insufferable, from the beer chugging thing from Taylor Swift — cool, everyone can do it, it's not that hard, Taylor, we've all done it, from chugging a beer —
How sick does Lisa Boothe’s brain have to be to think Taylor Swift was trying to look cool and impress people like Lisa Boothe right then? This is like the high school halitosis club locking arms and “banning” the popular kids from eating lunch with them, hissing at them through their orthodontic headgear as they pass by.
Trust us. Taylor Swift slamming a beer — and damn, she slammed down that cup like a champ afterward too — with her friend Ashley Avignone, while she hangs out in the box with her pals who also include Blake Lively and Ice Spice, while she’s at her boyfriend’s big football game is … nothing more than that. It’s a person having fun.
Anybody who’s complaining about it is just telling us how desperately jealous they are of every fact in that last paragraph.
BOOTHE: to Travis Kelce knocking his coach over with his chest in his violent bit of rage.
Today is the day Fox News cares about toxic masculinity. Tomorrow will go back to being the other kind of day.
(Kelce didn’t knock his coach Andy Reid over, and Reid is pretty sure the internet commenting brigade needs to calm down.)
BOOTHE: Taylor, you should break up with him, he's got issues.
We’re sure Taylor Swift will take Fox News’s expert opinion under advisement.
BOOTHE: I find the two of them insufferable. I wish they weren't a part of the whole thing and then I could have enjoyed the Super Bowl more.
Waaaaaah, even the Super Bowl hates people like me, waaaaaaaaah.
Next time, we’re sure the Super Bowl will be sure to consult the Aryan Karen Council for tips on how to make it a more comfortable experience for Aryan Karens.
HARRIS FAULKNER (CO-HOST): But you're right, I'm not going to argue with you, when she was chugging beer, and you've got kids in the room and she's slamming it down, I did question, you know, what do we really know about this 34-year-old woman, and does she realize how young her audience is? Or does it not matter?
Who is THIS TAYLOR SWIFT? asked the most obnoxious fake-ass person on all of Fox News, like she’s about to ban you from hanging out with all your friends. When I saw THIS TAYLOR SWIFT doing a BEER? In front of the CHILDREN?
Also we love how Fox News dorks always pretend Taylor Swift’s fans are mostly young children, like being a Swiftie is something they’re personally above, as opposed to a cultural phenomenon that, like all important cultural phenomena, simply doesn’t include them, and isn’t missing their participation. (There’s actual data on Who Are All These Swifties? Spoiler, it makes Faulkner and Boothe seem like even lamer buzzkilling 86-year-old fartbuckets than they already do.)
BOOTHE: It's like, “OK, you're so cool, Taylor.”
As we were saying.
PREVIOUSLY IN HARRIS FAULKNER! WHY? NO IDEA.
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Would have been more impressed if Taylor was doing a bear.
One of the key differences between angry conservative me from twenty years ago and angry liberal me today is that the things I choose to be angry about now are much more important things: injustice, economic misery, greed corrupting our nation and culture, the oppressive legal system applied to the poor and non-white people, attempts to pull the ladder up and away from people who need it the most, hatred and oppression of migrants, refugees...
So great... you're performatively weeping and gnashing your teeth over a grown woman having a beer while you smile and applaud at a young mother and her two children drowning in the Rio Grande because of Texas' hatred as you all hide behind "the law" to excuse murder.
Fuck you.