George Santos, Pulitzer Prize Winner And Rangers All-Star Goalie, Returns To Run For Congress Again
For once, he doesn't appear to be lying.
Oh Lord, some days You send us such a bounty of stories upon which to crack wise that our hearts overflow. But sending us George Santos showing up for the State of the Union in a bedazzled shirt collar and announcing he’s running for Congress again? Truly You are aces.
THIS ONE, THIS STATE OF THE UNION.
Yes, there Santos was in the House of Representatives on Thursday night. One would think he might be embarrassed to show his over-moisturized face in the hallowed halls again, a few short months after he became just the sixth member to ever be expelled with a two-thirds vote of the chamber. Three of the first five, after all, were booted for supporting the Confederacy, just in case any of us wondered exactly how bad your behavior has to get for the likes of James Comer and Glenn Grothman to find your continued presence intolerable.
But House members retain floor privileges for life. So there was Santos, giggling with Matt Gaetz, getting a hug from Lauren Boebert, and blinding the House TV cameras with what appeared to be either a jeweled dog collar or one of those thermal food box liners we get every week from Blue Apron. He’s lucky some feral, starving congressional staffer didn’t tear him open in the hope of finding all the ingredients to make smoked gouda cheeseburgers.
While Santos was there, some idiot put out a statement on his Twitter account:
I just witnessed a weak, frail president deliver spin and lies to the American people from inside the chambers.
First time listening to a State of the Union speech, huh? Anyway, according to the timestamp, he sent that tweet less than halfway through the speech, so we’re a wee bit suspicious that he came into that chamber with an open mind.
PREVIOUSLY!
He continued!
New York hasn’t had a real conservative represent them since I left office arbitrarily, thanks to RINO, empty suits like @nicklalota.
Santos’s expulsion wasn’t exactly arbitrary. It was undertaken because of all the stuff he did, like lying about everything up to and including his real name. And the federal indictment on 23 felony counts of fraud like lying to the Federal Election Commission and wiring campaign donations into his personal bank account so he could then spend it on … well, on thermal food box liners he could repurpose into shirts.
After a lot of prayer and conversation with my friends and family, I have made a very important decision that will shake things up.
Oh, horseshit. He missed the spotlight. Or maybe he thinks this will help him score points with a New York jury when he goes on trial in September. Here’s how civic-minded my client is, that he still wants to serve the people of New York! We guess that might work if the jury is made up of complete idiots.
SOME FRAUD NOW!
And more!
Tonight, I want to announce that I will be returning to the arena of politics and challenging Nick for the battle over #NY1. I look forward to debating him on the issues and on his weak record as a Republican. The fight for our majority is imperative for the survival of the country.
NY-01 is not Santos’s old district, that was NY-03. Guess he thinks the voters in NY-01 maybe haven’t read a newspaper or a news site or watched TV or been on social media since 2022. Sure, why not, New York has such a tiny and undercovered media market.
At least we know they won’t care that he’s a carpetbagger, since the current rep, Nick LaLota, also does not actually live in the district.
If Santos really, truly thinks he has a shot at this and isn’t just desperate for attention — though it could certainly be both — we can think of a couple of reasons why he’s deluding himself. For starters, one way he snuck into office last time was because hardly any reporter actually looked into his background before the election, allowing him to skate through with no vetting. Obviously he’s not going to be that lucky a second time.
The other reason is the minor inconvenience of that felony trial that starts two months before the election. Will primary voters even want to give the nomination to a guy who might go to prison instead of back to Washington DC? Well, they are Republican voters, so there certainly is a chance they will happily do so.
We don’t know what America has done to deserve this. We don’t even know what political comedy writers have done to deserve this, we’re not all simpering hacks. THEY! THEY are not all simpering hacks.
[Twitter]
Unlike George Santos, we’ll flat-out tell you when we use your generous donations for frivolous personal crap.
I request the Wonkette Management please ask the resident Bar Keeper to develop a new adult beverage named The Dirty Santos.
Fuck, this third-rate con artist AGAIN? What, were the Cameo submissions drying up?