Get Fucked, Dean Phillips
Fifteen minutes almost up, champ.
Rep. Dean Phillips (D-But Really, Though?) is the latest gnat who wants to play spoiler in the 2024 presidential race. He either secretly wishes Donald Trump would win the 2024 election, or he’s truly too stupid to understand that if he really fought in the Democratic primary against incumbent President Joe Biden — which is never done — and did enough damage, he could help re-elect Trump.
He hired Steve Schmidt, so it’s entirely possible it’s the second thing.
There’s no scenario where this toolbag wins anything, but whatever. He’s just the latest in a string of fucking morons like Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Cornel West, who have already taken their toys and left the Democratic primary for places more hospitable to narcissists and lunatics.
But this gelato mogul, whose platform is basically that Joe Biden is old, and who’s been funded by Clarence Thomas’s buddy Harlan Crow — just like Cornel West! — has run into a problem: It seems nobody goddamn cares that he’s running. This must mean the Democratic primary system is RIGGED and STOLLEN.
Um, you know who is not whining right now, or begging for an apology from a guy he may not have ever heard of? Bernie Sanders, who actually had real campaigns, in open primaries.
It takes a special kind of fucking loser to start bitching about a rigged primary before it even starts.
We guess Phillips is just the latest person that loser grifter Steve Schmidt sweet-talked into a presidential campaign consulting fee. It worked so well for President Howard Schultz, after all.
Maybe someday Phillips and Schultz can collaborate on a book: Steve Schmidt Promised Me A Bejeweled Pony But The Pony Kicked Me In The Dick: The Everybody Who’s Ever Met Steve Schmidt Story.
In related news, there’s an article in the newspaper today about all the leading lights of modern politics Phillips is stuffing his campaign with. He’s got Schmidt, obviously, but he also has Jeff Weaver, who was the campaign manager for Bernie Sanders in 2016. Weaver really likes to talk about RIGGED and STOLLEN, which makes the tweet above even more innaresting.
But wait there’s more.
Because he’s also got Zach Graumann, the guy who ran Andrew Yang’s historic 2020 campaign, which revolutionized American politics by making ankle-biting dirtbags like Vivek Ramaswamy think maybe he could also too lose an election in humiliating fashion.
Andrew Yang himself has the hots for Phillips, telling the Washington Post with complete ignorance of political history that what would actually help Trump would be “The Democrats’ complete coronation of Joe Biden,” as opposed to a rough-and-tumble primary. Again, this is not done in presidential races. Parties don’t generally fuck their incumbents when they’re trying to be re-elected by supporting frivolous — or even serious! — primary challenges. And when it has been done in relatively recent history, said incumbent has lost the election.
But hey, nobody expected Andrew Yang to know anything about anything.
He’s welcome to read a fucking book, though.
Finally, Steve Schmidt is going to leave “the campaign” — time to let somebody else be employee of the month, we bet! — and form an outside SuperPAC to bolster Phillips’s “the campaign.”
Phillips is real excited by all the guys he’s hired, who could have gone to work for anybody somewhere else, but instead chose to work for him:
“My ethos is team of rivals,” he said. “Never Trumpers, Bernie bros, moderates, independents. This is time for the most extraordinary coalition in American history to unify behind the preservation of the great American experiment.”
Cool, we can smell victory from here.
Fuck off.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.
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Breaking: As per WaPo, Manchin ain’t running for reelection. So long, I’d thank you for all the fish, but nah.
Dean, do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage and run right off the cliff.
It's more entertaining that way,
and don't worry, the fall won't hurt a bit.