Glenn Beck Now Has A Blurry, Jacked AI George Washington On His Side

And he sounds just like Glenn Beck!

AI George Washington and his very normal human hands.

Glenn Beck may have moved to Florida to live amongst a sea of other Glenn Becks, but that doesn’t mean he has retired. Oh, no. He’s still hosting his show over at The Blaze, and has even started a new venture called The Torch.

Does this involve Glenn Beck donning a sequin gown and belting out “The Man That Got Away” or “Stormy Weather”? Sadly, no. Rather it will be “the creation of an online library that will provide users with an artificial intelligence resource to navigate his vast collection of historical artifacts.”

Beck claims to have the world’s largest private collection of American founding documents in the world, and plans to use these documents to fuel AI versions of the Founding Fathers, including George Washington, with whom he conducted a totally unscripted interview this past weekend.

---

---

Behold! It is a macho, musclebound, DeNiro-esque George Washington, wearing a black T-shirt specifically designed to show off his guns. After doing a bit with Beck in which Beck asks him to dumb it down for his audience out there and speak like a modern day American, Washington begins spouting off about how the real problem with the United States is the lack of morals here — just like Glenn Beck. Specifically, we can assume, the morals of people who did not vote for the pussy-grabbing, egomaniacal warmonger.

I think my favorite part of this is actually the cutaway scenes meant to illustrate his point. Like where he’s talking some word salad about how we’ve “drifted from the virtues that make freedom possible in the first place” while Beck shows a clip of people marching in Selma. Interesting choice for a guy who owned 123 human beings as slaves at the time of his death.

“You have grown skeptical of truth,” he says, while a clip of someone holding a “Protect Trans Kids” sign is played. Because who cares about kids, amirite?

Is this the most horrifying thing Glenn Beck has ever created? It’s up there, but I’m not entirely sure that it can compete with his definitely-not-unbelievably-offensive painting of Holocaust Jesus. Only $141 for an unframed poster, for you to put up in your home, to look at every day and for people to see when they visit you.

This is not the first time I have confused the Jesus halo for an old-timey wide-brimmed sun hat.

How long until we can expect the second AI coming of Holocaust Jesus? I shudder to think.

Look, we can laugh at Beck all day for this, but I think he has accidentally stumbled on what could be the most popular use of AI yet for America’s conservatives — dead celebrities who tell them what they want to hear. I mean, there is nothing these people love more than asserting that dead folks who can no longer defend themselves would totally have been on their side about everything. Jesus, of course, all of the other Founding Fathers they so love to misquote, as well as Martin Luther King Jr. and a startling variety of notably left-wing dead comedians like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, and Lenny Bruce (although I’m not sure that they’re still on that trip), Albert Einstein, Voltaire, all of the dead people that Rep. Jeff Van Drew claims told him that they had voted fraudulently.

It’s very difficult for conservatives to find cool or smart or creative people who agree with them on everything, so they usually have to turn to the dead for that kind of validation. Now, instead of making up things these people never said, they can just get AI George Carlin to tell them that they are very cool and edgy. Sure, they can’t get AI George Carlin to actually be good at stand-up, but they can certainly program a bot to compliment them.

---

---

I guess I can’t speak for everyone on the Left, but were there some alternate universe where AI was not a gross idea-and-drinking-water-theft bot and that I actually wanted to use one, I feel like I’d prefer critique over compliments. I mean, compliments are great, I’m definitely a fan of compliments, especially on days when I am feeling not-so-great, but I’d much prefer AI-ndré Leon Talley to tell me where I am failing sartorially than for him to just tell me that my outfit is cute.

The truly scary thing here, of course, will be when they start trying to run these AI puppet bots for office or, at the very least, using them to endorse their preferred candidates. Hell, they may even start dating them. It’s really hard to put anything past anyone at this point.

PREVIOUSLY ON WONKETTE!

Hey Conservatives, It's Not Our Fault That You Suck At Art.

Glenn Beck Yelling At Bill Nye About Noah's Ark, Because Science

Glenn Beck Offers To Donate Himself To Israel, If Israel Is Into That Sort Of Thing