Grubby MAGA Grifters Slithering From Woodwork To Demand Payouts From Trump Crime-Droog Slush Fund
Here are some blasts from the past!
Ever since the Justice Department this week announced the creation of a $1.776 billion slush fund for Donald Trump to use to pay off the mindless dipshits who stormed the Capitol for him in 2021, we have seen so many old names crawling out of the woodwork announcing they will apply for restitution. It is a real rogue’s gallery of the losers, lickspittles, dickweeds, grasping social climbers, fame whores, and long-forgotten failures who, for a few brief shining moments, found their place by worming their way into the graces of Trump and his MAGA movement.
It has been a bit like walking into your high school reunion, seeing faces you have not thought about in a couple of decades, and remembering: Oh yeah, this person exists, and I hate them.
Anyway, who is publicly announcing they will be coming to the big orange galoot and his bribe fund, hat in hand, to beg for reparations for the consequences they suffered for their own depraved choices?
The first one out of the gate, as best we can tell, was Michael Caputo. The Roger Stone buddy who served as Health and Human Services spokesman for part of Trump’s first term sent a letter to (Acting) Attorney General Todd Blanche asking for $2.7 million for all the heartache his family allegedly suffered:
The machinery of government was clearly politically weaponized against my family from July 2016 to December 2025. This nine-year assault drained our savings, destroyed our peace of mind, ruined my career, wrecked my health, and wreaked far more havoc on our family. They found nothing: we lost everything.
Caputo whines about the various investigations of Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, and how they were phony bullshit that found nothing on him. When in actuality, US intelligence found that a documentary Caputo helped produce about the Biden family’s alleged corruption in Ukraine used information fed to it by a Ukrainian politician with ties to the Kremlin and Russian intelligence. And the validity of the Trump-Russia investigations has long been established by bipartisan congressional committees. That does not sound like nothing!
Caputo later had something of a breakdown after emails he had written as HHS spokesman in which he strategized how to downplay the seriousness of the COVID pandemic in early 2020 became public. This resulted in the bizarre sight of him on a Facebook livestream ranting about dark anti-Trump forces that wanted to murder him and telling Trump supporters to dust off their guns and prepare to be hunted by leftists, or something.
Caputo later had a cancer scare, which led to a long POLITICO fluff piece in which he claimed to have turned over a new leaf and become a kinder, charitable helper who regretted his past as a hard-nosed lying political operative. At the time, he blamed that work for wrecking his health.
Now the opportunity for a corrupt payday comes along, and he’s the first one with his hand out and his old self-pitying whining on his lips. All class as always.
The Washington Post has a story about some of the other Trump-adjacent creeps and charlatans who have decided they are owed something for all the bad stuff they did. And boy, do we bet you have forgotten about a few of these gems! Or at least you wish you could.
For example, who remembers Mark McCloskey? He and his wife were the two dorks who were so terrified by a peaceful Black Lives Matter protest passing by their St. Louis mansion that they stood outside and brandished guns at the crowd like they were in a real-life Purge.
Who can forget the sight of McCloskey, a personal injury lawyer, in his polo golf shirt tucked into his khaki Dockers, gripping his AR-15 like he was about to storm the clubhouse to protest an increase in greens fees?
Anyway, McCloskey and his wife were charged with misdemeanors for which they were later pardoned by Missouri’s governor. Since then, he has added defending January 6 defendants to his legal repertoire. Last year, according to the Post, he met with DOJ lawyers “to make the case for compensation similar to that given to the families of the victims of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.”
We don’t even know how to process that one. Except to say that compensating the people who trashed the Capitol and threatened the lives of elected officials would be akin to compensating the families of the 9/11 terrorists who flew those planes into buildings, not their victims.
Then there is George Santos, fresh from taking a few weeks off as the staff ace of the Miami Marlins to lead the Artemis IV mission around the moon. Santos does not want money, just an apology from the government for its “selective prosecution” of him:
“It’s not a monetary issue for me. I’m not injured. I’m able to maintain income,” Santos said. “I want to correct the record. I think it’s a great avenue to do so.”
We suspect Santos, having already had his seven-year sentence commuted by Trump after he had served less than three months, misunderstands the purpose of this fund. It’s a slush fund, George! Grab those Benjamins!
The Post even talked to Rod Blagojevich, who said he is considering whether to apply for restitution, even though his conviction predates Trump even entering politics by several years, and even though there is zero doubt he corruptly tried to raffle off Barack Obama’s Senate seat after the 2008 election. But like we said, lots of old friends we had hoped to never hear from again are coming out of the woodwork. Maybe Jeff Gannon will pop by next.
Meanwhile, the DOJ released a sort of fact sheet about who is eligible to apply for a payoff. And while January 6 defendants have gotten most of the attention so far, it sounds as if the government is casting a wide net:
This is about seeking accountability for all Americans who were victims of lawfare and weaponization: millions of Americans whose online speech was censored at the behest of the government, parents silenced at schoolboards, Senators whose records were secretly subpoenaed, churchgoers targeted by the FBI, and so on.
One thing we all know from experience is that every MAGA and MAGA-adjacent Republican thinks they were the victim of the “Deep State” in some way or another. Public health authorities wouldn’t let your church hold services during the pandemic? Clearly this was really godless Democrat Deep Staters persecuting you because they hate your religion. Here, have a million bucks!
On the other hand, anyone can apply. Perhaps we will put in a claim. After all, 11 years of hunching over our laptop to read and write about Donald Trump and his bugfuck followers’ assault on all notions of decency and democratic governance has wrecked our health, our eyesight, and our sanity. We’re exhausted, and that weeping ass carbuncle still has almost three years to go in his term!
At a minimum, we should be compensated for our blood pressure medication, our antidepressants, and all the booze and gummies we have consumed in our grasping attempts to take the edge off at the end of every day. It’s only fair. Todd Blanche can expect to receive our letter shortly.
Unless the Congress, where even Republicans are appalled by the fund, manages to tax 100 percent of any payouts. In which case,
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You joke, but every Democrat should apply, flood their zone with shit for once. Cite federal support of voter suppression, federal surveillance of anti-ICE speech, cost of DOGE data thefts, actions meant to punish blue states, etc etc. If they refuse to consider the complaints, class action suit citing discrimination. Make them justify their bullshit in court. I'm serious.
"parents silenced at schoolboards"
Oh, fuck me. Every racist, "anti-woke" lunatic mom will be claiming zillions in damages.
(OT: speaking of lunatics, Fetterman's chief of staff resigned yesterday, according to Axios.)