Happy Death Of Civilization Day, Everybody!

If this is it, please let me know ...

Welp, guess Trump has penciled in today as biggest bombing day ever, with 93 million people cut off from power and water and/or blasted to smithereens, or Trump will chicken out. But he sure sounds QUITE hot to trot, posting this morning:

Or one might say 73 years, since the US and UK did that coup and installed the Shah, but who’s counting?

And that’s our Schroedinger’s Trump, both the most powerful man in the universe and simultaneously helpless as a kitten to stop the murderous mess he himself made by attacking Iran unprovoked, and unable to stop himself from killing 93 million people if that is what it takes to get the Strait of Hormuz re-named after him and bottomless oil mimosas or whatever. And knowing him he expects a personal kickback, too, a billion to join his Board of Peace!

What wonderful thing is going to happen after all the Iranians are dead? Is that itself the wonderful thing?

Iran has called his bluff and said no fucking dice to a deal, even after Trump moved his own deadline at least seven times! On Monday, Iran’s state-run IRNA news agency announced talks had collapsed, that Iran conveyed a message through mediators from Pakistan, rejecting Steve and The Kush’s ceasefire proposal of “open up the Strait so we can come kill you faster” because they want a permanent end to the war instead.

“We only accept an end of the war with guarantees that we won’t be attacked again,” Mojtaba Ferdousi Pour, head of the Iranian diplomatic mission in Cairo, told the Associated Press on Monday.

And bonus, Iran threatened to strike the $30 billion Stargate AI data center in Abu Dhabi that Trump gifted the UAE in exchange for buying some Trump crypto.

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REMEMBER THAT?

Trump Just Gave Away The AI Store To His Sheikh Friends But Don't Worry, He's Making A Killing

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Meanwhile, infrastructure in the region has already been getting attacked by Israel, war-crime-ily, even before Trump started threatening it. Monday, Israeli Defense Minister Israel Katz said Israel attacked the South Pars petrochemical plant at Asaluyeh in Iran, and there was another Israeli attack in March on South Pars facilities, which led to Iranian attacks targeting oil and gas infrastructure across the Gulf Arab states. And since Trump’s speech and before the deadline, Israel has already started blowing up Iranian bridges and train tracks.

But, feeling his oats following the rescue of an airman behind enemy lines in Iran, President Brain Weave took to the stage yesterday for an hour and a half to dazzle the world with his rhetorical prowess. Follow along with the transcript, or watch the entire thing below if you’re nasty.

He starts out with Happy Easter, and Lemon, it was Monday. But he was there, for sake of “the exactitude”! Though he doesn’t know if the war is escalating or de-escalating. But “the entire country can be taken out in one night, and that night might be tomorrow night,” meaning tonight. Oh boy, gonna go great!

Trump, CIA Director John Ratcliffe, and Sec. Def. WAR Pete Hegseth spent most of their talky-time expounding on minute details of the rescue, including detailing the strategy lost pilots follow when waiting to be rescued, oh. Though Trump also took time to shit on NATO some more, and Trump and Hegseth both made room for plenty of God and Jesus.

The war-operation and rescue of the pilot who should not have been there in the first place shocked and awed Trump himself, too, because did y’all know there is sand in Iran?

“Sand was — this was not much of a runway this was a farm, not a runway it’s a farm but, uh, it did the trick but to have a contingency as opposed to having to wait two days. Can you imagine? Right in the middle this was central — this was right — you would call it central casting if you were doing a movie for location and probably the toughest area of Iran and where we’d be sitting there.”

That’s a simple fix, just go bomb Iran’s CENTRAL CASTING that keeps casting so much SAND to play the part of the airplane wheels’ antagonists! We hear Scott Baio is available.

Life is all one reality show he’s starring in. For his closeup, his monologue was “Mad at Leaker,” referring to the reporter who reported that a shot-down pilot had gone missing.

“And as you probably know, we didn’t talk about the first one for an hour and then somebody leaked something which we’ll hopefully find that leaker we’re looking very hard to find that leaker and talked about there’s somebody missing. They basically said that we have one and there’s somebody missing well, they didn’t know there was somebody missing until this leaker gave the information.

“We have to find that leaker, because that’s a sick person. Probably didn’t realize the extent of how bad it was — I can’t imagine that the person did. But we’re going to find out. It’s national security.”

That appears to be Israeli journalist Amit Segal, who says he was not the original source, but he’s not saying, so, like, whatever.

But the SAND!

“Nobody’s ever seen anything like it. It’s such an honor to be involved with it we were up late at night, and then we were waiting for those contingent planes to come in and we say, come on, let’s go get in, because they’re waiting out on this farm without a runway with wet, crummy soil, sand, mostly sand, wet sand.

“And it eats planes alive and we’re waiting and we’re saying, I hope that one can land and take off and they came in like magic, boom, boom, boom, one after another, it was like genius.

“And that’s called Iran Prime, right, General? That’s — that’s where the whole bed is and here we are sitting there waiting for a plane but they came in so fast and so hard and these guys knew exactly what — let’s go, come on, get in, let’s go, pwah, they came one right after another. Not at the same time.”

You’re welcome, Iran, some tips for finishing off downed pilots, and ps., pointer, wet sand is a problem for the planes.

Oh, and he shit on NATO some more. Secretary of NATO Mark Rutte wouldn’t give Trump Greenland, so Trump has been of the opinion that they’re a worthless “paper tiger” who can go fuck themselves ever since. Trump can lick 30 tigers Today!

“They don’t want to give it to us and I said, bye-bye. OK. Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. Thank you.”

Out. Of. His. Gourd!!

Anyway, then after John Ratcliffe massaged Trump’s balls a bit, it was time for the Pete Hegseth Tent Revival and Praise Hour.

“One downed airman evaded capture for more than a day, scaling rugged ridges while hunted by the enemy. When he was finally able to activate his emergency transponder, his first message was simple and it was powerful. He sent a message, God is good. In that moment of isolation and danger, his faith and fighting spirit shone through.”

Is this about the nukes, or about the Strait being open, or is it a holy war? Yes, and also sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come. Everything is a Jesus metaphor if you’re only willing to try.

“You see, shot down on a Friday, Good Friday, hidden in a cave, a crevice, all of Saturday and rescued on Sunday, flown out of Iran as the sun was rising on Easter Sunday, a pilot reborn, all home and accounted for a nation rejoicing. God is good.”

God sure hasn’t been too good to those blameless dead Iranian schoolgirls, or Christians and others in Lebanon or thousands of others! Didn’t the crusaders and inquisitors of old at least give their conquered subjects the chance to convert at the end of a sword? History sure has been waiting a long time for people who make them look like relative gentlemen.

Anyway, Trump is going to learn very easily Spanish and run for presidente of Venezuela (as a non-citizen, not a thing he can do, obviously). Maybe first that crazy bastard ought to try acting like the president of the USA.

He won’t learn Farsi or Urdu though! He is apparently furious that the Pakistani Iranian leadership proxies negotiating with son–in-law Jared Kushner and real estate/golf buddy Steve Witkoff apparently don’t speak English, and guess did not provide a translator for them either, awkward! Probably Jared Kushner just shouted at them louder and louder, “Open-o el-strait-o! ¡Ahora se llama canal de Donald Trump!”

The guys up there promising to bomb the UAE data center and ringing up the Associated Press seem to be getting their points across clearly enough.

And Trump made it clear he does not give one shit about The Gas, America. “If we have to pay a little extra for fuel for a couple of months, and we’ll do that, but we’re never going to allow Iran to have a nuclear weapon.”

We, as if he pays for his own gas (or his own anything) or even ever had a driver’s license. Also your reminder that Trump’s very own regime concluded that Iran was nowhere near building a nuclear weapon! Lordy, we’re going to need to put on that Lil Jon meditation album again.

Sure is starting to sound like the US, Israel, and Iranian leadership actually want a forever war here. It keeps them in power forever because WAR EMERGENCY. Iranian mullahs get to say, see, we told you the US was the Great Satan and American-style Democracy isn’t perfect! Israel gets to take over Lebanon and be the boss of the region. Russia’s oil-sanction problem is now all gone, just like Dongnard Junior, Witkoff, and Manafort had promised a decade ago. Putin’s performance bonus! And China is having their best year ever, not to mention all of the regime’s defense-contractor and insider-trader pals.

But people worried about The Groceries can suck it, and NATO can double suck it. Is the war over is the war forever? Yes.

Q: You message has moved from ‘the war is coming to an end’ to ‘we’re gonna be bombing Iran to the stone ages.’ So which is it?

Can’t tell you. I don’t know.

Swell.

Q: You’ve said, glory be to God in this conflict. Do you believe that God supports the United States actions in this war?

TRUMP: I do. Because God is good. Because God is good, and God wants to see people taken care of God doesn’t like what’s happening. I don’t like what’s happening everyone says I enjoy it. I don’t enjoy this, I don’t enjoy it. These two guys [Hegseth and Ratcliffe] don’t enjoy it. You know, people say, oh boy, they’re so tough. They don’t want — they don’t like — I don’t like seeing people killed.

Really? Sure sounds like he does, slobbering to wipe out a whole country like that! And Pete Hegseth, well, boner alert.

What will happen tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern, 3:30 a.m. Tehran time? You know how much Trump loves to be a star and show off, but how far will he take it? What do any of us know? Quite possibly at this moment, not even Trump himself.

Yay!

[Al Jazeera]