Herschel Walker Tells Parable Of Hot Pregnant Cows On Other Side Of The Fence Who Were Actually Dude Cows

This doesn't have to be your senator, Georgia.

There is something comforting about this video of Georgia Republican Senate nominee Herschel Walker yesterday. We've been so busy reading heartwrenching stories about how he's barely met his children, and of course about his hypocritical abortion-funding activities, it's been easy to forget why we fell in love with him in the first place: his utterly incomprehensible BLIBBITY BLOBBITY BLOO "Hold My Beer, Sarah Palin!" word salads that come from his broken brain.

So here's Herschel Walker telling America the well-known parable of the Hot Cows On The Other Side Of The Fence Who Turned Out To Be Dude Cows Upon Further Inspection.

“Herschel Walker just now: "I've been telling this little story about this bull out in the field with six cows, and three of them are pregnant... so you know he's got something going on"”

— Aaron Fritschner (@Aaron Fritschner) 1665514409 

And they’ve been saying, ‘Something is better somewhere else.’ And I’m here to tell you it’s not. So, I been telling this little story about this bull out in the field with six cows, and three of them are pregnant. So, you know he got something goin’ on.

He's so excited when he says "got somethin' goin' on," you'd think he was about to finish his punch card at an abortion clinic and thus qualify for a free one.

If you're wondering whether the bull was planning on ever acknowledging the calves' existence once they were born or if he was just going to keep them a secret, or if maybe he was going to reimburse one of the pregnant cows for getting that little situation taken care of, he doesn't elaborate.

So anyway yes the bull got multiple cows pregnant and that must mean the bull is a very impressive lover, saith Herschel, but unfortunately:

But all he cared about is keep his nose against the fence, looking at three other cows that didn’t belong to him.

The three pregnant cows on his own side of the fence belonged to him . But these other cows did not. He wanted more cows.

Now all he had to do is eat grass. But no, no, no. He thought something was better somewhere else.

Shoulda just eaten grass.

So, he decided, ‘I want to get over there.’ So one day, he measured that fence up, and he said, ‘I think I can jump this.’ So that day came where he got back. And as he got back and as he took off runnin’, he dove over that fence, and his belly got cut up under the bottom.

The bull now has stomach injuries from jumping fences, like bulls always do.

But as he made it onto the other side, he shook it off and got so excited about it.

He was so boned up, man, just ready to fuck anything.

And he ran to the top of that hill, but when he got up there, he realized they were bulls too.

AWWWWWWW FUCK, DUDE, THOSE COWS HAD DICKS!

FUCKIN' A, MAN!

FUCK!

So what I’m telling you don’t think something is better somewhere else. This is the greatest country in the world today.

This has been a parable about foreign policy. A fable, if you will.

The moral of the story is that every time you see a country that looks all hot and pregnant you can't just injure your stomach jumping over the fence to get to it, and besides that country probably has a penis anyway, ew gross.

Now please go back and watch the video a second time, but this time focus on the faces of Tom Cotton and Rick Scott, behind Herschel Walker. It's a whole different viewing experience.

This seems like a good time to remind all Georgians that you can avert this obvious shitshow crisis by voting in a few weeks.

 These can be your senators:  

“First time Georgia has had a sitting U.S. Senator march at Pride. And we have two 🤩”

— Rebecca Galanti (@Rebecca Galanti) 1665332169 

Or you can replace one of them with Mr. UH-OH COW PENIS! up here with the best words and the very good brain.

Up to you.

[ HuffPost ]

Follow Evan on Twitter right here! 

Have you heard that Wonkette DOES NOT EXIST without your donations? Please hear it now, and if you have ever enjoyed a Wonkette article, throw us some bucks, or better yet, SUBSCRIBE!

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .