Hey Denmark, Voulez-Vous Couchez Avec Canada?

Danishes and maple syrup would be pretty sweet together.

Feb 09, 2025

Have you ever been in a long-term friends-with-benefits deal when the person suddenly got all weird and clingy? Or worse they started acting like a potentially violent stalker and you know they have access to a gun? Many, many guns, actually.

That’s basically the situationship between Canada and the USA now, and it seems unlikely we’re ever getting back together due to unfortunate recent developments. To paraphrase a guy who’d significantly damaged the vibe between us earlier: “Fool us once, shame on you. Fool us … you can't get fooled again.” Hopefully we won’t be fighting in the streets with our children at our feet like in the old Who song the former Worst President Ever got the expression confused with.

Because we’ve met the new boss and he’s very much not the same as the old boss.

Canada needs to start looking for somebody new to date, and we’ve already tried the “close your eyes and think of England” thing. Been there, done that. And there’s a much sexier and kinder alternative to our abusive ex right next door who might be down for a little consensual Netflix and chill.

Or, as Danes might say, Netflix og chill. 🍆 🍑 🇩🇰 🇨🇦

It’s not as if the country we share the world’s longest undefended border with is the only option, as there’s another one nearby separating the Dominion of Canada from the Kingdom of Denmark. It may not be as long or familiar but it’s already wet, and there’s no better way to stay warm in the Arctic than sharing a bed.

Find a country who looks at you the way Danish actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau looks at his sister. (Photo: Neil Davidson/HBO)

Denmark, if you’re listening, I hope you might be open to our countries hooking up. We’ve got so much in common we’d absolutely be a match if the United Nations had an in-house dating app! Here’s a handy top 10 list of some potential green flags to entice swiping right on the Great White North, eh:

We’ve known each other forever! It’s been more than a millennium since Canada hosted Leif the Lucky at the northern tip of Newfoundland, although there’s no reason to think he actually got lucky during his visit. But he and his crew “accidentally” left evidence of their Viking settlement behind at L’Anse aux Meadows, a clear attempt to someday be invited back for another sleepover. I’m sure we’d be into more than just the tip this time, and it’s never too late to get together with a new partner. Just ask Martin Short and Meryl Streep.
We speak the same language! Or at least the Inuit do after sharing igloos for centuries. But 86 percent of Danes speak English, as do 200,000 or so Canucks of Denmarkonian descent, so communicating our needs in bed shouldn’t be a problem. Although you’d probably have to buy Quebec a few drinks first. There’s always Duolingo if things get serious.
Our flags are the same colors! Yours is red and white, ours is red and white, and we could be a new world power couple like Jack and Meg White with our own matching two-nation army nobody could hold back. Latvia might even be game for an occasional threeway.
We’re sick of jokes about baked goods too! Timbits or Nanaimo bars aren’t actually a daily staple of most Canadians’ diets, and we know danishes aren’t for you health-conscious Scandinavians either. Some of us even know Danes call danishes wienerbrod, meaning “Viennese bread,” because we’ve already googled you in advance. ;)
Neither of us abolished the monarchy! It’s admittedly kinda strange we both still spend gazillions of taxpayer money on a bunch of useless, in-bred aristocrats but at least we won’t have to explain it to each other. It’s still better than keeping up with the Kardashians. No kink-shaming from us!
We have proven success stories! Our citizens have already done the deed many times, and there’s some impressive offspring to show for it such as the late comedy genius Leslie Neilson, paraplegic Man in Motion Rick Hansen, Hayden Christensen and his off-the-charts midi-chlorian count, and pop singer Carly Rae Jepsen. So call us maybe? We can even offer you Lauren Southern back if you’re still rolling with the “something rotten in the state of Denmark” bit from Hamlet.
We’ve already survived our first fight! Sure, we’re both founding members of NATO and have gone on difficult UN peacekeeping missions together to places like Sudan and the Middle East, but the true test of any relationship is the first serious argument. The so-called Whisky War over the sovereignty of remote Hans Island was finally settled after the exchange of booze bottles rather than rockets following the adult decision in 2022 to draw an imaginary line down the middle of the uninhabited speck of frozen rock between Greenland and Ellesmere Island. Nobody even had to sleep on the couch or get genocided!
You play decent hockey now! Look, we both know things wouldn’t work out in the long run if you can’t keep up at least a little bit on the ice. Shared interests are important, and don’t think we haven’t noticed the effort you’ve put in. You’ve come a long way from the time Team Canada beat you 47-0 at the 1949 World Championship, when every player except the goalie scored at least a hat trick, and you finally managed to beat us for the first time three years ago! Rest assured we totally didn’t let you win in the hope of getting into your hockey pants later.
We’ve fought Nazis together! This is actually kind of a big one as we’re new to living next door to a Nazi regime and it would be good to talk with someone with first-hand experience. Word is appeasement isn’t the way to go, but we’re kinda desperate for suggestions after our stupid ex chose to put the lunatics in charge of the asylum.