Hey Hey He’s Matt Schlapp-ey! People Say He Schlapp-eys Around!
SEVEN people say it this time.
The country is crumbling to death, the almost-250-year-old American experiment is likely over, but CPAC’s married heterosexual vagina-lover and chief Matt Schlapp can’t even enjoy it, and why?
Because people are saying (AGAIN) that Schlapp, the head of the American Conservative Union (ACU), which throws CPAC, touched a man on the penis (AGAIN) right there where people could see it!
This is just like last time, except it’s nothing like last time, because that guy — a former Herschel Walker staffer — made it ALL UP, he said so, but him saying so had absolutely nothing to do with him getting paid off to say he made it up.
Penis in vagina! Penis in vagina! That is a thing we bet Matt Schlapp says when people ask what he’s doing for Valentine’s Day with his heterosexual love wife Mercedes Schlapp, who worked for the first Trump White House.
Uh oh, is Valentine’s Day TOMORROW? Then let’s talk about these latest allegations of Matt Schlapp schlapping a penis around with his hand! (Allegedly! Lies!)
Yashar Ali has the exclusive.
This allegedly happened this past Saturday night at a bar in northern Virginia.
There are six witnesses, plus the man Schlapp allegedly groped with his traditional values. That makes seven.
Ali says this bar is pretty close to “a property” Matt and Mercedes (“Mercy” to fellow fascists) own.
Ali says he’s looked at video footage from the bar and yup, Schlapp was there.
Ali says Schlapp didn’t close his bar tab, oops.
Ali says that “After I texted Schlapp the allegations and information about my story, he quickly called me twice and also texted, asking me to call him,” but that they have not reconnected since then.
Some of the witnesses were gay men. People say Schlapp was just generally being a creeper, standing way too close to people, brushing up against them when he absolutely did not need to do that. People said he was following them around, creepily.
The man who says Schlapp groped him is straight, and that his partner confronted Schlapp. Here is the main part of the narrative:
“Every time I looked around — whether we were on the dance floor, at the bar, or back at the table talking to people — every time I turned around, this guy was right there, one foot behind me. And I was just not comfortable with this,” the man who says he was assaulted told me.
The man’s partner (a woman) also told me she confronted Schlapp, informing him that the man was in a relationship with her and asking him to back off.
While the same man was asking Schlapp to leave because everyone felt uncomfortable with his presence and conduct, Schlapp — while the man was mid-sentence — grabbed and gripped his genitals while looking him directly in the eyes, the man told me.
After the alleged assault, the man who says he was assaulted reported the incident to a manager, who escorted Schlapp out.
Despite being asked to leave, Schlapp returned to the bar, leading to a heated confrontation, according to multiple sources.
Apparently it was a whole thing among the people at the bar, according to Ali’s report.
What a gross fucking weirdo. Allegedly.
Wait, we don’t have to say “allegedly” about Matt Schlapp being a gross fucking weirdo, we’ve observed that every time we’ve ever seen him open his mouth and babble on TV, with that “touchy feely pastor” shock of white hair he’s got.
If you remember, the first time Schlapp was accused of such things, it was all the Daily Beast’s fault for doing liberal agenda witch hunts against the Schlapps. At least that’s the story they were sticking with. Of course, it bears remembering that it wasn’t just one accuser, and that there were other claims out there.
And now here we are again. More witch hunts. More people discriminating against Catholic baby Jesus (the Schlapps are very Catholic) by saying Matt Schlapp simply cannot keep his hands off of men’s rods and staffs.
Yashar has a good recap of all the twists and turns of the previous allegations against Schlapp, including the board members who ended up resigning from the ACU.
Wait, what’s that? CPAC starts next week?
Hahahahahahaha, how fun.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Schlapps! Will this be the year you finally give it up and divorce each other right in front of Jesus and the saints?
Or are y’all continuing this little ruse for another year? You know, allegedly?
OPEN THREAD.
Evan has a side project called The Moral High Ground, you should check it out and subscribe there too!
Follow Evan Hurst on BlueSky!
Follow Evan on Facebook.
I found this post muy difícile to fap to.
Nice thing. I have been battling the flu like a few people around here and have missed a lot of work, only babysitting one day last week and just going back to regular kid pick ups today. That is not the nice thing!
Today on my first day back, as my kid was walking down the hall to the designated pick up zone, he saw me waiting. He yelled out "ziggy!" with a big grin on his face and came running to me giving me a huge hug. He missed me. I love the kids I have been lucky enough to babysit.