In Soviet Russia, Junk Pummel Matt Schlapp!

No, they didn't pay his accuser off, who would suggest such a thing?

Mar 27, 2024

If you never believed CPAC’s Matt Schlapp groped that guy — guys with white Baptist televangelist haircuts are usually blameless and above-board, after all — you were correct, no trickin’ and no bribin’! Why do people keep asking about bribes?

Carlton Huffman, 40, who sued Matt Schlapp for sexual assault for allegedly unwantedly groping him — “grabbed my junk and pummeled it at length” was one of his specific details — and who sued Schlapp, his wife Mercedes, the American Conservative Union (ACU), and CPAC for defamation, has dropped all of his lawsuits. It was all a big misunderstanding!

“The claims made in my lawsuits were the result of a complete misunderstanding, and I regret that the lawsuit caused pain to the Schlapp family,” Mr. Huffman said.

Hate it when we misinterpret somebody who’s just trying to pass the peace of Christ or say “good game” as something altogether different or dirty, late at night, in cars, alone, after drinking. “And I feel so fucking dirty,” said Huffman, in the complaint.

“The Schlapps have advised that the statements made about me were the result of a misunderstanding, which was regrettable.”

They simply misunderstood in response to his misunderstanding!

“Neither the Schlapps nor the ACU paid me anything to dismiss my claims against them.”

Did you ask anything about money? We didn’t ask anything about money. Who asked about money? Did somebody ask about money?

Oh well, we’re sure it’s all fine now.

Maybe this is that thing where somebody gropes you without your consent, but then you find out they said “LOL!” afterward, which means by definition it doesn’t count. Wait, that’s not a thing.

Matt Schlapp Accused Of Groping Male Campaign Staffer, Being A Prick In General

Gary Legum

January 6, 2023

Read full story

Schlapp says in a ridiculously whiny professional victim statement that his heterosexual intercourse marriage to his heterosexual wife is doing better than ever thanks to this little mix-up, thank you for again not asking! (And we didn’t.)

Know who’s really to blame here? Not Matt Schlapp. It’s the left-wing media, of which his accuser was never a part. (He was a Herschel Walker staffer, if you’ll remember.)

Here’s more of that statement:

“Our family was attacked by a left-wing media that is focused on the destruction of conservatives regardless of the truth and the facts. […]
“We also learned that the left is waging a relentless war against those of us who still hold fast to the principles of America’s founding and the liberty that has endured throughout our 248-year history.
“The left no longer leaves disagreements on the political battlefield. Increasingly, they have gained a stranglehold on the mainstream media, social media and the legal system which they use to try to silence, shame and bankrupt Americans who have contrary, yet correct viewpoints.
“Going forward, our eyes are wide open, we understand the struggle better and we learned we must stand our ground and fight or else the haters on the left will destroy every conservative and ultimately our nation.”

Sure thing.

It is probably still the Daily Beast’s fault. Does the Daily Beast have a lab where it manufactures conservative dudes who work for Republican campaigns, who then say in lawsuits that Matt Schlapp grabbed their dicks, but who then suddenly recant, at least in the case of this one dude? (There is more than one Schlapp accuser, though Huffman was the only one whose name we knew. Two other accusers’ allegations were found during discovery for the lawsuit.)

Well, we are sure this the final chapter of this story, and that nothing else untoward will ever be alleged regarding Matt and Mercedes Schlapp, a couple that fucks.

Just remember: The only thing that changed hands here was a misunderstanding.

No junk changed hands. And definitely not money. End of story!

[New York Times / JoeMyGod]