Hey Let's Not Watch The New Hampshire Primary Results, Together!
Tonight on not WonkTV!
Hello and welcome to tonight, our coverage of the New Hampshire Republican primary results. (Dastardly Joe Biden is not participating in a Democratic primary, because of how he is an autocrat who strangles democracy in its crib, everyone knows that.)
Our coverage of the New Hampshire Republican primary results is we are not watching that shit. Here is a look via Obama’s borrowed time machine at exactly what we will be missing: Oh look Trump beat Nikki Haley by [number]. Tomorrow she will “suspend” her campaign so as to jump back in once he dies from the COVID he caught from his lawyer Alina Habba this week. (Results not guaranteed.)
But if you would like, we can all watch the Robin Williams oldie The World According to Garp, from the novel by John Irving, which apparently, like John Irving’s The Hotel New Hampshire, takes place in New Hampshire. It does not, though, star Rob Lowe. (It was one of those two, “The West Wing,” or Our Town, as far as New Hampshire-focused pop culture items that any of us could think of.) Hey, maybe A Prayer For Owen Meany takes place in New Hampshire too I bet! The movie based on that, one of my top favorite books, is garbage.
DO NOT WATCH.
In my brain, until last week, I had The World According to Garp, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen but which I have certainly read (there is a depenising), confused with Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo, which I have neither seen nor read but vividly remember my mom retelling the story of the man with no arms and no legs (“Bob”!) who could only say his name but eventually lost all the consonants too. That was not, as it was in my memory, GAAARP, because they were in fact two entirely different books and I don’t even remember if Garp dies, but probably, who doesn’t.
Also, I have no idea if the trans characters in the movie are problematic cringey stereotypes or cool awesome and ahead of the times. (I remember the trans football player being cool awesome in the book, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t well-intentioned but oh my lord. I was like 10!) Oh god, I hope this isn’t going to be a clusterfuck.
The World According to Garp can be rented in the usual places — Amazon, Youtube, Google Play, etc. — and let’s stay we’ll start the movie at 7 p.m. Eastern.
OPEN THREAD.
Dammit it WAS Garp where he could only say GARP and then ARP and then AAAAAAAA.
I THOUGHT I WAS WRONG BUT I WAS MISTAKEN.
According to my cats, I won New Hampshire by 30 points. No wait, recount… two-thousand-gazillion points.
Imma go eat hamberdurs now. Camel.