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Hot New RFK Jr. Poll Says He's Screwing Exactly Who We Thought He Would
Uh oh, MAGA idiots! Look what ya done.
Strap in for a newsy surprise nobody coulda seen coming! The first major poll has come out since Robert F. Kennedy Jr. stopped “running” for “president” as a “Democrat,” and started running as just an independent ratfucker whose true motivation here is God-knows-what.
Shockingly, this fucking crazy person who spent all his “Democrat” time warbling on right-wing media bout how unfairly the real Democrats were treating him takes FAR MORE VOTES from Donald Trump than he does from Joe Biden. Which means Republicans are reacting correctly, if totally desperately, by turning on a dime and treating Kennedy like a virus for which there’s no vaccine.
Ooh dang, he would hate that joke on so many levels.
The poll is from NPR/Marist, and, well, read it and cry a lot, LIBS. (From laughing.)
It says that in a two-way matchup between Biden and Trump, Biden scores 49 popular vote points, whereas Trump scores 46. (We’re talking about this like it’s not real because spoiler, welcome to America, it isn’t. All that matters is who wins the Electoral College. But if you look at 2024 from that perspective, it’s suddenly a lot less horse-racey and a lot more “How in the hell does any Republican think they’re gonna get there?” That’s no fun for the hack Beltway media.)
But when you add RFK Jr. and his disturbed batshit brain to the mix, well, surprise! The voters who waddle over to his column come from the land of disturbed batshit:
Hahahaha, oh my good Lord.
Whoever on the Republican side had the idea to spend all those months going back and forth tongue-bathing RFK’s weird gross taint — Hannity! Bannon! Elon! Other weirdos like that! — has got some splaining to do. Because if we are reading that right — and we are because we know our colors and shapes AND our numbers — it says that when Kennedy is in the mix, Biden’s lead over Trump extends out to seven.
And we know we just said the popular vote doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t with close horsey-racey numbers. But if you start talking about winning the popular vote by seven, then Kennedy starts looking like one of Joe “Dark Brandon” Biden’s secret weapons for winning re-election with over 500 electoral votes.
(Another would be Speaker Jim Jordan.)
(We’re saying that MAGA Republicans’ chess moves right now are so goddamned stupid you’d almost think they were secretly working for the Biden campaign.)
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Andrew Lawrence from Media Matters jokes on the Tweets that it would be “political malpractice if some dem super pac doesnt start running ads on fox news immediately contrasting rfk and trumps vaccine stance.” That would be a lovely and hilarious start.
We guess we will see if polls continue to show similar results, but we would be surprised if this is an outlier. MAGA idiots are heavily snorting in the replies to this tweet that the poll’s sample size is D+7. This is because MAGA idiots have a wildly inflated idea of how many of them there are in America, egged on by a mainstream media that treats everything as a question of two equal sides, each with an identical number of voters.
Republicans reacted to RFK running as an independent by panicking and totally losing their shit. Democrats gave it side-eye and a smirk and went back to watching cooking porn clips on TikTok.
There are reasons for these things.
Evan Hurst on Twitter right here.
@evanjosephhurst on Threads!
I have profiles those other places but I think I forgot how to log on.