How The Grinch (Jack Smith) Stole Christmas (From Trump And His Idiot Lawyers)

Good Grinch!

Dec 14, 2023

Jack Smith (screengrab, How The Grinch Stole Christmas)

This week, the Supreme Court agreed to expedite consideration of Special Counsel Jack Smith’s petition for a ruling on Donald Trump’s extremely insane arguments that he is essentially a god and therefore exempt from prosecution for life for anything he did while in office. If SCOTUS chose to take the case and ruled in Trump’s favor, it would mean he could do literally anything in office if he seized power again, and never face accountability. He could commit (more) treason. He could shoot people on Fifth Avenue. The only challenge would be finding a gun in the kids section that he was capable of holding in his little hands.

It would also mean any future president could do the same. Hell, they could shoot Trump on his way out the door once inaugurated. No harm, no foul, if Trump’s illegitimate partisan hack Supreme Court rules that presidents have the divine right of kings.

At the same time, Smith went to the DC Circuit and asked them to expedite Trump’s appeal of Judge Tanya Chutkan’s ruling that Trump actually does not possess the divine right of kings, or a “lifelong ‘get-out-of-jail-free’ pass.” She additionally ruled Trump is full of shit to declare that because Senate Republicans gave him a reacharound and didn’t convict him in his impeachments, he cannot be prosecuted for any crimes therein, as that would be double jeopardy. Fuck off.

(Because Trump appealed her ruling, his lawyer John Lauro declared in a filing that this meant Trump’s prosecution in her courtroom was now on TIME OUT until the issue of Trump’s holy eternal immunity was resolved. Really. But Chutkan went along with it!)

So Smith went to both courts at the same time, threw Snausages and said “Hey you courts! Race like puppies to see who gets there first! NO HUMPING, BRETT KAVANAUGH!” (He would have had to say that because let’s face it, Brett Kavanaugh looks like he might be a humper.)

The DC Circuit has now also said yes, it’ll expedite Trump’s appeal, at Smith’s request. (The panel that ruled on it was two Biden appointees and a Poppy Bush appointee, so that is probably ELECTION INTERFERENCE!) Now both courts are officially moving quickly. We’ll see what happens, but Smith seems to have lit some fires under some judicial asses.

But oh the bellyaching and waterworks this elicited from Donald Trump’s lawyers! In a filing yesterday, they accused Jack Smith of being THE GRINCH, because of the briefing schedule the prosecution was now requesting:

The prosecution “requests that the Court require the defendant’s opening brief be due no later than ten days from the entry of a briefing order,” which, assuming the Court rules promptly on the motion to expedite after the close of briefing, would make President Trump’s opening brief due the day after Christmas. This proposed schedule would require attorneys and support staff to work round-the-clock through the holidays, inevitably disrupting family and travel plans. It is as if the Special Counsel “growled, with his Grinch fingers nervously drumming, ‘I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming. … But how?’”

And if John Lauro isn’t asleep by 9:30 p.m. on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus will leave poop in his stocking and punch his dad in the dick!

Prosecutors responded that AHEM NO, Trump’s lawyers are not only bad at law, they are bad at math, and that if they did their homework on the timeline Jack Smith requested, they’d be done by December 23.

Home in time to find out Santa’s not coming to John Lauro’s house this year!

“In any event, the public’s need for a speedy resolution of these important legal issues take precedence over personal scheduling issues,” prosecutors wrote.

Hark the herald SUCK MY DICK, wrote the prosecutors. (In so many words.) And also the DC Circuit, because Trump’s response is indeed due by December 23, they say. And Trump has to respond to the Supreme Court by December 20.

Let’s see how Trump is feeling:

So Deranged Jack Smith, the Biden appointed “nut job” prosecutor with a big record of loses because he goes too far, wants to RUSH,RUSH,RUSH to the Supreme Court on the important matter of Presidential Immunity, something which is so basic to America that it should be automatic. He doesn’t want to go to our Highest Court with a loss, or negative opinion, but what he does want to do is INTERFERE WITH THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2024, hoping to damage Biden’s POLITICAL OPPONENT. In other words he want to CHEAT, because if they really wanted SPEED, they would have brought this ridiculous lawsuit 3 years ago, and it would be long ago over. But no, they Waited, and Waited, and Waited, and brought it right in the middle of my Presidential Campaign - THE DEFINITION OF ELECTION INTERFERENCE!!!

Presidential Immunity is “so basic to America that it should be automatic,” he says. Get fucked, we say.

So we guess coolest Grinch ever Jack Smith really did steal Christmas from Trump. And if there’s any justice in the world, between Smith’s cases and Fani Willis in Georgia, next year’s Trump Christmas will be extra RIGGED AND STOLLEN, and all the ones after that, forever and ever, amen.

[filing / NBC News]