I Finally Got Busted Calling Someone Gross At The RNC
It was Lara Trump.
Hi guys, I’m almost not hung over anymore.
So you know how I’ve just been walking around shouting GROSS at things well I finally got busted. I was standing outside our restaurant talking to a couple of the nicest guys from the (TERRIFIC) Texas Tribune, when a shitload of motorcycle cops came SCREAMING up and landed in front of us, escorting the world’s most important woman somewhere right next door to us. “Oh it’s Lara Trump. GROSS!” I said, and the woman trailing behind her aggressively Avon Lady smiled “AND SHE’S WONDERFUL.”
Barf.
I didn’t see hardly anyone else yesterday except some guy from Gateway Pundit (“Oh, you’ve heard of us?” Yes and your boss owes me $3150, tell him I said to #paythefuckup).
Here are the people I talked to: A family of Michigan delegates in stupid wraparound Oakleys. They had Southern accents, because now everybody’s got a Southern accent if they’re rural or they watch Fox News, it’s a whole thing, and when Shy told them we’d moved from Montana to Detroit they actually curled their lips and turned away. Then they tried to go get into a thing with Lee Zeldin but it was New York delegates only so they tried to do New York accents through their Southern (Michigan) accents and it was like
We talked to an extremely handsome New Zealander, so we (OBVIOUSLY) threw down with our PERSONAL FRIENDSHIP with Lucy Lawless, Wonkette Subscriber And Pal Of Love. He writes “economy” for Epoch Times and has maybe possibly vaguely heard something about the money laundering. “Oh right yes a manager was maybe money laundering.” Nah dude, your whole billion subscribers are a THRONE OF LIES.
I did talk to a very nice older fella from Nebraska, who asked if our kids were getting “woke nonsense” in the Detroit public schools. “Well probably, but I’m a woke lib,” I said, obviously, because I can never not say it. I then mentioned that the girls’ school had a cutout of Kamala Harris in the foyer: “And that’s good. Representation matters.” And you know what that old fella said? He nodded: “Well, she is our vice president!”
Our. OUR! What a nice fella. His lady friends thought I was a real piece of shit.
Oh oh, here is one of the last people we talked to, he is Matt and he is a local and he is honest to God the sweetest guy in the universe. Obviously we bought him a drink. He was working hard on the (for real) cornhole court!
The end.
A round of applause for Rebecca's impersonation. Thanks, I needed that laugh!
Because it is not a normal week, I have been shameless about promoting my writing over at Pervert Justice. (That is here, btw: https://pervertjustice.substack.com , and also it is pretty bonkersamazeballs. This is where I namedrop Lucy Lawless and say she loves my stuff, because I am awesome and she is awesome and we are awesome together, except I do not know Lucy Lawless and I am not as cool as Trix, so you just have to take it from me.)
But this comment is NOT about shamelessly promoting my own work (which is quite, quite good). No! This comment is about shamelessly and off-topically promoting the new show Renegade Nell for how it is pretty bonkersamazeballs. It is a historical fantasy, much heavier on the fantasy, that uses local mythology to justify having a superpowered woman and her sidekick roam through the countryside righting wrongs and singing songs and... wait, that's not it. I mean, that's it, sure, but I was going more for Xena than Joker because Renegade Nell is LucyLawlessAsFuck, and now I have worked her into TWO SUCCESSIVE PARAGRAPHS so you have to take my writing chops seriously, melonfuckers. I can do this all day with the words and the references and the superheroes who stick up for the underdog.
But the point is that even if I am not Lucy Lawless and even if I do not know Lucy Lawless from Iman Vellani, moose-baiter, real maple syrup drinker, and monster of whom TimBits everywhere are BEVERYAFRAID, I can still testify to you that if you like superhero movies that come in one hour instalments where soap is available only every third episode, and historical details are prominently presented like a sprig of parsley with your tofu steak for you to BIG NOTICE BUT DO NOT CONSUME and they introduce the Autolycus character in Ep1 as the very first villain to get his ass kicked by the turn-of-the-1700s Xena named Nell, but who later buys Nell some potatoes because he holds no grudges and is kinda cool despite being very definitely a thief-y thief, but then you have to wait for your Gabrielle, WELL THEN.
DO I HAVE THE SHOW FOR YOU. And it is named "Renegade Nell" and belief it or not, but after this comment even your average Lucy Lawless will watch it. For though I have only seen one episode, it was one GLORIOUS episode and I cannot imagine that this will not go amazing places with fist-punching and nokilling despite flintlocks and swords being absolutely everywhere in the hands of the baddies.
And there will come a day when I say, "And Louisa Harland is a close personal friend of Yr Pervert Justice," and you will all of you swoon just as much as when Trix says that Lucy Lawless is a close personal friend of Wonkette. (I told you I could America's Ass this all day, but did you believe me? I promise you I am gonna Lucy Lawless every single paragraph, you cussmouth waffle-taints.)
And the point is that when that day comes and everyone is swooning to the name Louisa Harland, do you want to be the only one not swooning like a common Wonketteer swooning at Lucy Lawless? NO, YOU DO NOT. So go out and watch the BESTESTFEMINISTESTAWESOMEYMYTHOLOGICALSUPERHEROTVSHOWOFLOVEANDLIFEANDGOODNESS and it will restore your heart in the midst of this terrible season of Trumpy RNC awfulness like Lucy Lawless restored my heart in the midst of coming out to my family and my father disowning me and then again restored my heart in reruns when 9/11 and Invasion of Iraq and OMG THE WORLD IS BURNING. Because even in reruns, Xena was demigod-level powerful.
And so it will be with Renegade Nell. For she is awesome. And fun. And charms your heart. (As does George.) And do not tell me if Louisa Harland is less than a perfect left-wing demigoddess because I can't hear that right now. In this moment, I am sautéing some onion and preparing some curried lentils and tea and looking forward to spending time with Harland every bit as much as I used to make garlic bread and hummus and tea in advance of my every Saturday with Lucy Lawless.
There is still hope in the world. Lucy Lawless is not the very last good thing in existence, is what I am saying. And also I am saying watch Renegade Nell. For the asskicking. For the feminism. For the charm. For George. For your heart.