Hi guys, I’m almost not hung over anymore.
So you know how I’ve just been walking around shouting GROSS at things well I finally got busted. I was standing outside our restaurant talking to a couple of the nicest guys from the (TERRIFIC) Texas Tribune, when a shitload of motorcycle cops came SCREAMING up and landed in front of us, escorting the world’s most important woman somewhere right next door to us. “Oh it’s Lara Trump. GROSS!” I said, and the woman trailing behind her aggressively Avon Lady smiled “AND SHE’S WONDERFUL.”
Barf.
I didn’t see hardly anyone else yesterday except some guy from Gateway Pundit (“Oh, you’ve heard of us?” Yes and your boss owes me $3150, tell him I said to #paythefuckup).
Here are the people I talked to: A family of Michigan delegates in stupid wraparound Oakleys. They had Southern accents, because now everybody’s got a Southern accent if they’re rural or they watch Fox News, it’s a whole thing, and when Shy told them we’d moved from Montana to Detroit they actually curled their lips and turned away. Then they tried to go get into a thing with Lee Zeldin but it was New York delegates only so they tried to do New York accents through their Southern (Michigan) accents and it was like
We talked to an extremely handsome New Zealander, so we (OBVIOUSLY) threw down with our PERSONAL FRIENDSHIP with Lucy Lawless, Wonkette Subscriber And Pal Of Love. He writes “economy” for Epoch Times and has maybe possibly vaguely heard something about the money laundering. “Oh right yes a manager was maybe money laundering.” Nah dude, your whole billion subscribers are a THRONE OF LIES.
I did talk to a very nice older fella from Nebraska, who asked if our kids were getting “woke nonsense” in the Detroit public schools. “Well probably, but I’m a woke lib,” I said, obviously, because I can never not say it. I then mentioned that the girls’ school had a cutout of Kamala Harris in the foyer: “And that’s good. Representation matters.” And you know what that old fella said? He nodded: “Well, she is our vice president!”
Our. OUR! What a nice fella. His lady friends thought I was a real piece of shit.
Oh oh, here is one of the last people we talked to, he is Matt and he is a local and he is honest to God the sweetest guy in the universe. Obviously we bought him a drink. He was working hard on the (for real) cornhole court!
The end.
A round of applause for Rebecca's impersonation. Thanks, I needed that laugh!
I like how Avon Lady Smile entourage suck-up didn't exactly try to disabuse you of the notion that Laura Trump is gross, though. We can agree to disagree on the "wonderful" part.