I, Vladimir Putin, Am Blowing Up Own Oil Refineries For Russian People's Amusement. Yes, That Is Ticket!
Is not Ukrainian attacks! Do not say it is Ukrainian attacks!
Greetings, human-sized fleshy cysts of Wonkette! It is I, Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, and yes, I am here to once again make the speaking with you! It is busy summer here in Moscow. The sun is high, the birds are out, and we have been entertaining our people by setting city’s many glorious oil refineries on fire.
Yes, we set fires! Not drones from phony nation of Ukraine, no matter what decadent Western press reports. Was entirely Russia’s choice to blow up fuel supplies. Look at spectacular fires and smoke! Is beautiful in eerie way, da? Like Georgia O’Keefe painting, if Georgia O’Keefe had ever decided to paint refinery fires instead of vulvas.
But Vladimir, you are asking, are not Russian people upset they cannot find gas for their Western cars and their secondhand Ladas? Bah! Russian people are tough and hardy, like Russian bear. Not weak and cowering like Western people when gas gets expensive. Russians are perfectly happy to walk everywhere. They will walk from Gorky Park to the Kremlin. They will walk from Saint Basil’s Cathedral to the Bolshoi. They will walk from homes all the way to Siberian labor camps if they keep complaining.
Is very sad time in Moscow as well. Dear friend of Vladimir and hero of the Soviet Union ... ha ha ha, whoops, Mother Russia, sorry, grief has clouded Vladimir’s mind — dear friend Sergei Ivanov has died. Sergei was once Russian Defense Minister. Many people thought he might one day take over for me when I step down as president. Which is very funny! Vladimir step down? Would you ask hawk to stop soaring over magnificent Siberian taiga? You can try, but hawk does not care what you want.
I bring up dear friend Sergei only because there has been much speculation that he died falling out of window like so many Russians before him. Is not true! Perhaps you have not noticed, but Russian government instituted extensive safety campaign educating people about dangers of open windows. As you know, this is longtime, what is word, hobbyhorse of Vladimir’s. So many people falling needlessly to deaths from great heights while screaming in terror.
So we began program of window safety. Do not go near open windows, campaign warned, if you suffer from any of the following conditions: drunkenness, heart problems, vertigo, depression and suicidal thoughts, acrophobia, employment at independent media company, or presence on any list of enemies of Russian state. Was very effective! Next we will move on to not getting on planes with live grenades after almost pulling off coup of Russian president.
No, Sergei Ivanov did not die from falling out of window. He died from some other reason that has not been publicly reported and is being kept secret for some reason. As Principal Skinner once said, let’s have no more curiosity about this bizarre coverup!
Ah, season 7, the golden age of The Simpsons! Before it got hacky. Did you know Vladimir became president of Russia a couple of years after that? I am not saying Vladimir got bored and started looking for other hobbies after Simpsons got less funny. I am also not not saying that!
Vladimir also must address reports of Russians fleeing Crimea because of fuel crisis and fear of puny military of phony nation of Ukraine. There is no fuel crisis. There is no extensive bombing campaign and constant terror! No one is fleeing Crimea because of effective and nonstop warfare!
This traffic jam? Everyone knows to leave Crimea in summer months when weather is warm and sunny and pleasant. As you can see, Crimeans can’t get away from such horrible climate fast enough. Is long Russian tradition! Peter the Great also hated Crimea in summer, which is why he chose to fail to conquer it.
Bah. Such complaining. Everyone is upset that new Russian military recruit’s average lifespan is three weeks, from the first day they set foot at training ground to when they get blown up by phony Ukrainians in glorious battle. They are upset because new recruits live average of 20 to 35 minutes on frontlines.
Vladimir says bah, again! Three weeks is eternity! At least they are not mayflies. Those only live one day! Russian soldiers should be grateful for three weeks. It is three weeks of learning to fire gun and crawl on ground and other super-cool stuff. The sheer terror that comes on battlefield then only lasts 20 minutes or so. People talk like the sheer terror lasts three weeks. Is not true!
Next person who says it, Vladimir will have shot. Then we will see who is doing the complaining.
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"And then things got worse"
Last sentence of every chapter in every Russian history book
A man in post-Stalin Russia stands in line for 7 hours to buy meat, but when he gets to the counter he is told that they're sold out. He explodes "I am wounded Combat Soldier of Great Patriotic War, twice decorated by Marshal Zhukov! This is intolerable!". A man in a trench coat takes him by the shoulder" "comrade, you must control yourself, in the days of Stalin you know what would happen, da?" He mimics a pistol pointed at his head.
Man comes home, wife asks: "are they out of meat?"
Man: "worse than that, they're out of bullets".