Iran Can’t Blockade Strait Since February If Trump Blockades It First Right Now!

Trump blockading thing that's already closed in order to reopen that which was previously open.

Apr 13, 2026

Well, JD Vance led the American side of ceasefire talks with Iran this weekend, and that went about as well as when he breathed on Viktor Orbán and murdered his dictatorship and breathed on the last pope and sucked out what was left of the late pontiff’s will to live.

So not well.

Iranian parliament speaker, Mohammad Bagher Qalibaf, who led Iran’s side in the talks, addressed Trump in a new statement on his return to Iran: “If you fight, we will fight.”

And on the American side:

“We need to see an affirmative commitment that they will not seek a nuclear weapon,” said Vice President JD Vance, leading the U.S. side.

Ooh! Ooh! Idea! They should call Barack Obama, he negotiated a whole thingie-dingie in 2015 where Iran agreed to exactly that and was complying with it. Then again, Obama spoke softly and carried a big dick-we-mean-stick, so Iran respected him a hell of a lot more than they respect the pussyboys of the current regime. Maybe it might not fly this time.

Anyway, point is, JD moved on that couch like a bitch but he couldn’t get there.

Therefore, it’s time for Donald Trump to blockade the Strait of Hormuz!

But wait, wasn’t the Strait of Hormuz already blocked by Iran? Largely and for all practical purposes!

Confused? Sucks to be you!

OK, so this afternoon at 5:30 Iran time, or 10 a.m. EDT in ‘Murica, Secretary Shitfaced Hegseth will have his Navy blockade the strait, but selectively. It will be “enforced impartially against vessels of all nations,” saith the regime, with the exception that if ships are going back and forth between non-Iranian ports, then they are not blockaded.

The Navy is also supposed to go find all the mines Iran dropped in the strait.

So in essence Trump is trying to close off the strait that Iran controls to Iranian ships but open it to everyone else.

Is this a risky little move? Haha uh yes.

Will the Navy actually be able to enforce this? Unclear!

Experts say it is unlikely the US military would fire missiles or other weapons at tankers, given the risk of an environmental disaster. The most likely option is the US navy will try to force vessels to change course through threats, and if that doesn’t work, they will launch armed boarding parties to take physical control of the ships, experts say.
“Trump wants a quick fix. The reality is, this mission is difficult to execute alone and likely unsustainable over the medium to long term,” said Dana Stroul, a former senior Pentagon official during the Biden administration now at the Washington Institute for Near East Policy.

Will the Navy be able to go find the mines like little beavers? No idea! Are beavers that good at finding mines in the first place? Do beavers even live in the ocean?

And what will this do to global financial markets? Hahahahahahaha, well have you seen the price of oil since Trump’s announcement, back over $100 a barrel? For reference, it was $70 before Trump started his stupid pointless fucking murder war that’s killed Americans and thousands of Iranians and Iranian little girls for absolutely no reason besides the violently abusive stranger danger bloodlust of Donald Trump and Pete Hegseth. Plus there’s the thousands Benjamin Netanyahu has massacred in Lebanon for whatever psycho deranged bullshit reason he’s making up today.

Hey wait, you might be asking! Weren’t we five minutes ago allowing Iranian oil to move, and even lifting sanctions on Iranian oil, in order to try to keep global oil prices down? Why yes.

Know what you should do? Stop asking questions and let the stable genius WERK!

But what say Iran, you ask, because you still do not trust Dear Leader?

Iran’s Revolutionary Guard later said the strait remained under Iran’s “full control” and was open for non-military vessels, but military ones would get a “forceful response,” two semi-official Iranian news agencies reported.

And what else say Iran?

In a post on social media on Sunday, the speaker of Iran’s Parliament and the country’s top negotiator, Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf, wrote: “Enjoy the current pump figures. With the so-called ‘blockade’, Soon you’ll be nostalgic for $4–$5 gas.”

Can’t imagine how any of this could go wrong.

On Sunday, Trump issued one of his trademark babbling all caps decrees on Truth Social, explaining that he was blockading ANY AND ALL ships from entering the strait. (That’s when he wasn’t posting Truth Social memes of himself as literally Jesus, and saying Pope Leo is a real PINO — pope in name only — and that Leo should be grateful to him for the privilege of being given the opportunity to pope in the first place. SEE BELOW.)

Here is part of that babble:

Effective immediately, the United States Navy, the Finest in the World, will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all Ships trying to enter, or leave, the Strait of Hormuz. At some point, we will reach an “ALL BEING ALLOWED TO GO IN, ALL BEING ALLOWED TO GO OUT” basis, but Iran has not allowed that to happen by merely saying, “There may be a mine out there somewhere,” that nobody knows about but them. THIS IS WORLD EXTORTION, and Leaders of Countries, especially the United States of America, will never be extorted. I have also instructed our Navy to seek and interdict every vessel in International Waters that has paid a toll to Iran. No one who pays an illegal toll will have safe passage on the high seas. We will also begin destroying the mines the Iranians laid in the Straits. Any Iranian who fires at us, or at peaceful vessels, will be BLOWN TO HELL!

Only Donald Trump is allowed to do WORLD EXTORTION! Iran should KNOW THAT! Get ready to get BLOWED UP!

Anyway, clearly something happened between that verbal shitvomit and the actual announcement from CENTCOM, something that forced the regime to TACO things back from “any and all” to only ships going back and forth between Iranian ports.

So now it’s this. Again, we cannot imagine what might go wrong.

In other news of Trump’s incredible winning, he told Fox News on Sunday that oil prices ~~are probably going to go down~~ “should be about the same” come the November midterms, or maybe they’ll be “a little bit higher.” So have fun messaging around that, every Republican!

Let’s finish this post with Trump’s other Sunday presidential activities.

Here is Trump’s attack on the pope:

Trump Pope Leo is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy. He talks about “fear” of the Trump Administration, but doesn’t mention the FEAR that the Catholic Church, and all other Christian Organizations, had during COVID when they were arresting priests, ministers, and everybody else, for holding Church Services, even when going outside, and being ten and even twenty feet apart. I like his brother Louis much better than I like him, because Louis is all MAGA. He gets it, and Leo doesn’t! I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s OK for Iran to have a Nuclear Weapon. I don’t want a Pope who thinks it’s terrible that America attacked Venezuela, a Country that was sending massive amounts of Drugs into the United States and, even worse, emptying their prisons, including murderers, drug dealers, and killers, into our Country. And I don’t want a Pope who criticizes the President of the United States because I’m doing exactly what I was elected, IN A LANDSLIDE, to do, setting Record Low Numbers in Crime, and creating the Greatest Stock Market in History. Leo should be thankful because, as everyone knows, he was a shocking surprise. He wasn’t on any list to be Pope, and was only put there by the Church because he was an American, and they thought that would be the best way to deal with President Donald J. Trump. If I wasn’t in the White House, Leo wouldn’t be in the Vatican. Unfortunately, Leo’s Weak on Crime, Weak on Nuclear Weapons, does not sit well with me, nor does the fact that he meets with Obama Sympathizers like David Axelrod, a LOSER from the Left, who is one of those who wanted churchgoers and clerics to be arrested. Leo should get his act together as Pope, use Common Sense, stop catering to the Radical Left, and focus on being a Great Pope, not a Politician. It’s hurting him very badly and, more importantly, it’s hurting the Catholic Church! President DONALD J. TRUMP

The pope is weak on crime and bad at foreign policy, cool. Also super-pathetic that Trump is dementia-screeching the grievances of the religious extremists who viewed COVID restrictions as personal attacks on their faith, but we guess there isn’t a soft pansy-ass loser white supremacist professional victim alive who Trump doesn’t identify with.

And here’s Trump behaving like the literal antichrist as described in 2 Thessalonians and posting a meme of himself as Jesus:

At press time, and in response, Leo said on the pope plane overnight that Trump can eat his pop-ussy. He said it nicer than that, obviously, but not much.

[AP / Guardian / New York Times]

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