Is Donald Trump Almost Dead? A Wonkette Investigation
Brought to you by the cheeseburgers clogging up his plumbing.
We don’t want to get anyone too excited, but evidence is mounting that Donald Trump is close to death.
Okay, not really, put that champagne back in your fridge. But the president has mysteriously dropped out of sight for the last several days. Which is unusual for history’s greatest narcissist, given his insatiable need to be the center of all our attention all the time.
But nothing since Tuesday. No afternoon gatherings in the Oval Office to yell at reporters. No impromptu press sprays outside the White House as he walks to his helicopter to fly to Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster. Nothing. Oh, there was the usual steady stream of babble on TruthSocial, but he could have been writing that while superglued to his toilet.
And if he isn’t dying, why is his administration minting dollar coins with his face on them, an honor reserved by law for the already dead, HENNGGGGGHHHHHH?
The source told Defector that workers at the Mint had been ordered to begin striking what are called “set-up coins,” the final step before production, as of Thursday afternoon. [...]
The entire render-to-coins process, when run efficiently, usually takes two to three weeks, per the Treasury source. In this case, the Trump dollar coin went from render submission to struck coins within, at most, four days—from Sept. 29 to Oct. 2.
Why the hurry, guys? Did you think you were going to want to start putting those coins in circulation much, much sooner rather than later?
The honor of having your face on America’s grubby bills is an honor reserved, by law, for people who have died. Even commemorative coins, according to Defector, need an act of Congress to be created. Not that anyone in the Trump administration would let a minor annoyance like legality stop them.
So yes, “Donald Trump is dead” briefly sent all the nerds on BlueSky into a frenzy on Friday afternoon. To understand why, we need to look at a couple of different factors.
The first is that about one month ago, Trump also dropped out of sight for a few days, and the White House never explained why. He also didn’t fly off to Mar-a-Lago or Bedminster, as he had done about every weekend since January. The only sighting was a blurry, distant shot some news photographer got as he left the White House dressed for golf. And blurry or not, he looked terrible.
The second factor is that in recent months, people have noticed giant bruises on Trump’s hands. He’s even taken to covering up his right with his left when he’s holding court behind the Resolute Desk. The White House says the bruises came from excessive handshaking. But speculation has been that they could have come from having IVs inserted.
There are treatments for quite a few medical conditions that require IV infusions on a monthly basis. Medication for congestive heart failure, for one. Kisunla, a treatment for early-stage Alzheimer’s, is another. Probably a ton of others that we don’t know about because we disappointed our mother by not becoming a doctor.
All those treatments can cause side effects that leave a person sick for a few days, too.
And the final factor is that, let’s face it, Trump is deteriorating before our eyes, disintegrating like a lace doily that’s been sitting in an attic for 200 years. His speech is more halted and he’s more rambling and disjointed than ever. Watch a clip of him from as recently as 2023 or so. The cognitive decline is more obvious than his bronzer, and it is accelerating.
There was also the whole coin thing. Unilaterally putting his face on money is such a Donald Trump move that we can’t believe we hadn’t assumed it was already in the works.
So: Trump gets IV infusions for something or other on, say, Tuesday. He gets sick from the treatment and needs a few days at home to recover, which he wants to do out of sight of the press. He gets these infusions approximately every 30 days, which indicates this is to treat an ongoing medical issue.
Of course, there are plenty of non-medical reasons for which Trump could have made himself scarce for a few days: long nap curled up under the Resolute Desk, snit over something, doesn’t want to pay the tariff on whatever foreign-made industrial strength adhesive he uses to keep his hair in place, locked himself in a West Wing closet for which no one has the key, got stuck in the shower door, got stuck in the tub because he couldn’t raise his leg high enough to step over the side, his staff got him to play hide and seek and then never looked for him, yelling for three days straight at a plate of spaghetti he thinks is Erik, caught his own reflection in the mirror and has spent three days doing that thing a dog does when it sees its reflection in a mirror and thinks it is seeing a whole other dog, James Cagney marathon on TCM, Rita Hayworth marathon on TCM, Montgomery Clift marathon on TCM, Errol Flynn marathon on TCM, Betty Grable marathon on TCM, Humphrey Bogart marathon on TCM, Kay Francis marathon on TCM, Robert Mitchum marathon on TCM, Cary Grant marathon on TCM, Katherine Hepburn marathon on TCM, Steve McQueen marathon on TCM, Audrey Hepburn marathon on TCM, Elizabeth Taylor marathon on TCM, Jean Seberg marathon on TCM, focusing all his time and energy on remembering Tiffany’s name, busy calling the Ayatollah and asking him if his refrigerator’s running, and galactically painful ass boils.
We guess technically that last one is medical.
So, is the specter of death haunting Donald Trump? Is he about to shuffle off this mortal coil? Is he about to be deceased? Is he about to be no more? Bereft of life, he rests in peace? An ex-parrot?
Well, we’re all dying, according to Joni Ernst. We’re reminded of our nephew, who when he was twelve or so, asked his parents if when we are born, are we now living or are we now dying? The kid is going to do great in his freshman philosophy seminar.
Add everything together, and the evidence points strongly towards a worrisome illness for Donald Trump. Maybe not the coin thing, but the corollary of our mantra to always assume the worst-case scenario for what this administration is doing is that the worst-case scenario is often also very, very, very stupid.
The administration can clear this mystery up anytime by releasing a photo of Trump holding today’s newspaper or watching the latest episode of Jimmy Kimmel’s show. Better hurry up, guys. Otherwise by the time you prove he’s not dying, he’ll be dead.
[Defector]
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Nine months in and the degradation of him, both physically and mentally is nothing short of stunning. I would be very surprised to see him capable of staying in office for more than another year. My concern is that what follows might well be worse.
My birthday was last week but dead Trump would still be nice