It’s Pete Hegseth’s Big Day! Let’s Talk About His BIG TEMPY TANTWUMS!
You wouldn't like him when he has TEMPY TANTWUMS!
Yay! Today is the day! All the generals and admirals are coming from all around the world and Secretary Shitfaced Pete Hegseth is going to get up on stage in front of them and show them how he does his hair and makeup to convince even himself when he looks in the mirror in the morning that he is a WARFIGHTER!
Then it is bottomless mimosas for everybody who says the magic word, which is, yeah, it’s still “warfighter.” What can we say? There’s not much substance to the man beyond his masculinity issues and his lack of experience for the job he’s been entrusted with.
On that subject, and since it is his big day, there are three (3) articles about Shitfaced in the internet newspapers this week that we want you all to look at. They really capture a lot about the man, we think.
The first comes from the Daily Mail, yeah yeah yeah “British tabloid,” but it’s a reported story with specific sources — one from directly inside his office, they say — and literally none of it doesn’t sound like Hegseth. It is about his TEMPY TANTWUMS! Would you be surprised to learn that Hegseth is reportedly a man who is “crawling out of his skin” and prone to TEMPY TANTWUMS?
We should note at the outset, of course, that Pentagon spox and fellow prissy yelly boy Sean Parnell says this whole story is COMPLETELY FALSE and he spent the rest of his response insulting the reporters. So that all tracks.
Daily Mail says that (paraphrases):
Pete like really insisted on doing the pussy ass bitch “Department of War” name change, like really insisted on it, long before anybody was ready, and he just WENT OFF on anybody who didn’t like it.
He gets really mad when people suggest that maybe it’s not cool for the administration to just be randomly murdering innocent daddies on boats in the middle of the Caribbean and suggesting that might be against so-called “international law.” (Yes, that’s what it looks pretty clear these evil motherfuckers are doing.)
“He takes things personally when challenged - like full-blown tantrums,” said their source.
Oh noooooo! TEMPY TANTWUMS!
You wouldn’t like Secretary Shitfaced when him is having a TEMPY TANTWUMS!
So that is what that article is all about!
It talks about how Hegseth has been really on edge since the awful assassination that happened earlier this month, which makes sense, and we could be sympathetic to that if it was just a story about how he was really shaken by it. That was a dreadful thing that shouldn’t happen to anyone. But apparently his third wife Jennifer Rauchet Hegseth is being a giant pain in the ass with the security demands ever since The Awful Event — they were already wasting TONS of money on insane security for these people long before that, total princess shit, just like his makeup studio — and their own source says Hegseth is being “paranoid.”
“That warrior personae, he’s spooked.”
He does seem like a guy who startles easily.
That brings us to the second article, which is in The Baffler, and really gives us some insight into why Shitfaced is the way he is with women, why he lashes out so much when a woman is obviously better and more qualified and — especially — MORE WARFIGHTER than he is. We’ve watched his little crusade against women and LGBTQ+ people and non-white people in the military, ever since he lied his way through his oath of office for the job he was White-Guy-DEI-ed into by ultimate White Guy DEI hire Donald Trump. It suggests something pathological, something sick, something deep inside.
Reported by Jasper Craven, it is called “Battle of the Sexes,” and it is about Hegseth’s personal war on all women. We will give you one excerpt, then tell you to go read the rest.
First, there is the story of Leigh Ann Hester, a woman who served heroically in convoy security in Iraq, not long before Pete got there. She got a Silver Star for her actions saving her team from an attack along the side of the road, the first woman since World War II to receive one in combat. (This’ll tell you the real reason it bothers Hegseth so much when women are in combat, we reckon.)
Hester’s “conspicuous gallantry,” as the military called it, came at an inopportune time for a pack of congressional Republicans then barking from the comfort of Capitol Hill about the need to statutorily restrict women from combat.
Then Hegseth got there with the 101st Airborne. “But his conduct was not especially remarkable.” He got a Bronze Star. He was fine. He was just fine.
His was given without valor, a lesser version of the medal that, according to the Washington Post, was “issued somewhat liberally” during the war on terror. (Some in the enlisted ranks joked that this decoration was little more than a “participation trophy” for needy officers.) Hegseth’s award citation is dry and formulaic, chock-full of the platitudes used by the White House to sell the public on the war. It asserts that Hegseth “contributed immeasurably to the success of building a free and democratic nation for the citizens of Iraq.” Hester’s citation, by contrast, reads like an excerpt from a Tom Clancy novel. It lays out the conditions that day—“75 degrees and sunny with a 10 knot breeze from the southwest”—before chronicling the “well-coordinated ambush” and Raven 42’s canny tactical response, detailing the “heavy volumes” of grenade-launcher and machine-gun fire Hester directed at “an overwhelming number” of fighters as she also fired away.
And Hegseth was clearly so upset about this that he wrote about it in his recent book The War On Warriors.
In his 2024 book The War on Warriors, Hegseth casts Hester’s actions as an aberration. He also takes issue with the military’s “political” awards process, musing conspiratorially over the fact that her star was issued relatively quickly, within a matter of months. “Nothing happens that fast,” he claims. “Unless there is an agenda.”
LMAO, we guess sometimes the enemy in the WAR ON WARRIORS is girls who are better at WAR! than Pete Hegseth. That’s rough.
Anyway, take your time with that article when you have a chance, it is all about how fucked up and disordered Hegseth is when it comes to women. You will come away with the sneaking suspicion that everything you’ve ever — ever — heard about Hegseth is 100 percent absolutely true.
Including the above reporting about his TEMPY TANTWUMS!
Which brings us to the last article, which broke in the Washington Post last night and explains how literally everybody thinks his plans for reordering the military and foreign policy are fucking stupid, up to and including the military leadership in the Trump adminsitration.
“Military leaders voice concerns over Hegseth’s new Pentagon strategy,” it screams in the headline on the eve of Pete’s Big “I’m A Big Warfighter Now” camouflage Pull-Ups commercial with the generals.
“The critiques from multiple top officers, including the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Gen. Dan Caine, come as Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reorders U.S. military priorities,” it says at the top. Uh oh. Even RAIZIN’ CANE? But they are always telling us he is a real warfightin’ guy!
Military leaders have raised serious concerns about the Trump administration’s forthcoming defense strategy, exposing a divide between the Pentagon’s political and uniformed leadership as Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth summons top brass to a highly unusual summit in Virginia on Tuesday, according to eight current and former officials. […]
People familiar with the editing process, who like others spoke on the condition of anonymity to describe sensitive deliberations, described a growing sense of frustration with a plan they consider myopic and potentially irrelevant, given the president’s highly personal and sometimes contradictory approach to foreign policy.
Myopic and politically irrelevant. In layman’s terms, sounds like what they mean is, again, “fucking stupid.” More:
Dissent during the drafting process is normal, but the number of officials concerned about the document — and the depth of their criticism — is unusual, several people said.
Caine shared his concerns with top Pentagon leadership in recent weeks, according to two people familiar with the matter.
“He gave Hegseth very frank feedback,” one of the two people said, noting that Pentagon policy chief Elbridge Colby was also included in the discussion. “I don’t know if Hegseth even understands the magnitude of the NDS, which is why I think Caine tried so hard.”
That may sound dry, but again, let’s emphasize that we’re talking about the drafting of the latest official Pentagon National Defense Strategy, how all the top Pentagon Brass thinks it’s bullshit, and we’re getting reporting on this the night before all the generals are supposed to stand before Hegseth and Trump and pledge allegiance to their needy dicks.
They don’t like how Hegseth is pulling America way from its traditional commitments in Europe, leaving us exposed to China, reworking the military to — reading between the lines here — attack Americans at home instead of defending us from threats abroad, and so forth!
And we’re reading about it in the Washington Post, in a heavily sourced story.
Yeah, that seems like a thing.
So here we are, and again, today is the day. And this is the guy:
Today, Secretary Shitfaced is, we guess, gonna try to tell all these men and women who are better than him what it means to be a WARFIGHTER, and they are going to do their best not to get the giggles. Which should be fine for them, because these are our finest generals and admirals. They don’t start crawling out of their skin or have Gweat Big Tempy Tantwums when the going gets tough, and definitely not for the sake of some little Fox News shit who covers his warts with vanity TV makeup, who summons them from around the globe as a salve for his masculine insecurity issues.
We just hope nobody yells out “Simon says if you outrank the secretary of Defense, stomp your feet!” because the ensuing earthquake will be felt in fuckin’ France.
You can watch Hegseth’s address here, as it’s already underway. When we clicked on it, he was explaining TO GENERALS how to do WARFIGHT and why girls are probably bad at it. Also he wants to get rid of all the woke inspectors general and accountability. It’s good that the cameras aren’t on the generals’ faces.
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I hear Department of War and my brain just sticks "Crimes" on the end of it.
Who could have predicted that a man who couldn't even get promoted out of a weekend news show would be the one to fully articulate that we, as a nation, have completely turned our back on our ideals. That living up to them was too hard, so we're just not going to try anymore.