Donald Trump’s state media has gleefully latched on to his weird and perverted obsessions with acquiring — by force if he has to! — Greenland, the Panama Canal, and Canada, which he seems to view as his own personal Ukraines to do whatever his jackoff hero Vladimir Putin would do with them. (Anti-war? LOL, oh ye insufferably suggestible pigs, no. He just believes the dictators whose posters he has above his bed should be able to snatch whatever’s near them, and when he grows up he wants to be just like them. It’s a foreign policy theory called “spheres of influence,” all the authoritarians love it.)
Trump is, of course, obsessed with Greenland because he’s been obsessed with it ever since Ronald Lauder planted the idea in his excitable little head and ass-sucking senators like Tom Cotton have encouraged the idea to fester there.
Trump claims it was his own idea. We’ve said recently that we would bet large sums of money that a primary reason Trump wants it so bad is that he’s too stupid at “diapers” years old to understand that actually Greenland is not as large as it appears on the Mercator projection. And then we saw this quote last night, which is not new, but that seems to confirm our suspicion: “I love maps. And I always said: ‘Look at the size of this. It’s massive. That should be part of the United States.’”
As usual for Trump, nobody close to him dares tell him it’s not that big.
Donald Trump Jr. and Charlie Kirk and some other bedwetting MAGA goon traveled to Greenland this week. Last night, Junior told some mouthbreather on Newsmax that everybody he’s talked to in Greenland wants to be “liberated from Denmark.”
Michael Knowles — the short, squeaky one at Daily Wire who isn’t Ben Shapiro, the one who follows Matt Walsh around like a puppy and seemingly didn’t used to be the anti-gay bigot he is today, at least if his indie movie roles are any indication — has some opinions on Greenland. He wants them to be our serfs, a territory with no voting rights, like “snowy Puerto Ricans.”
Yeeeeeah. This is the offbrand Viagra they’re snorting in MAGA world right now. It makes them feel like real men.
But as is so often the case, if you really want an easy-peasy demonstration of the make-believe alpha male insecurity that’s driving whatever is pushing Trump to stay up late at night dreaming of being the kind of man who can conquest foreign lands, you can just look at how Fox News’s Jesse Watters is packaging it for the MAGA grunts out in Flyover-Ville.
It started with a little rant on “The Five” yesterday where Jesse talked about his “imperial thirst” that needed to be “quenched.”
How much masculinity-insecure coping is happening here?
JESSE WATTERS: This is like Tyrus, Tyrus's neighborhood. And Tyrus is kind of like the neighborhood watch. The one-man neighborhood watch. And he happens to also have the biggest house in the neighborhood, and he also happens to be a trillionaire. And one day Tyrus takes a stroll in the neighborhood. Looking around, and he sees a house that is next door that he likes. And he knocks on the door. Knock, knock. “How much?” “Oh, this house is not for sale.” “Of course it is. How much?” “Oh, this house is not for sale.” “Well, I can take it by force, or you guys can sleep on it and maybe tomorrow you can tell me what the price is.”
OK you guys this is Tyrus, the Fox News host he’s using as his example here:
Just wanted to make sure we were all on the same page with who “Tyrus” the “trillionaire” who is going to “take your house by force” is.
WATTERS: That's where we are with Trump. He's America's real estate tycoon.
If you have never been to New York City and don’t know what an actual real estate tycoon is or any of their names, sure!
WATTERS: So he's testing the waters, he's flexing his muscle.
Uh oh, Jesse’s getting hard.
WATTERS: He's just seeing what's possible out there and trying to find out the new contours of the new world order. And — ultimately trying to get a better deal for America. And I think the grand strategy is create a North American trade, energy, and security network that gets the best terms for us. Now, I looked into Greenland.
GREG GUTFELD: No, you didn't.
Point Greg.
WATTERS: I did. So the pros of Greenland, a lot of minerals — great, you could project a lot of force to counter Russia through there. But it's also a very poor country, and we basically do whatever we want there anyway. It would really piss off Denmark and all of Scandinavia and it would ruin our access to the North Sea and the Baltic Sea. I did study, Greg.
And then in terms of Panama, yes, I definitely think they need to reduce the transit rates, because we are getting ripped off every time we sail through there, but I don't want to occupy that stupid country, it's run by cartels. It'd be a mess.
Panama is actually a really stable democracy now — lots of American expats moving there — but these mouthbreathers think everything underneath the United States is Mexico and therefore gross (lots of American expats moving there too).
Now Jesse gets to Canada.
WATTERS: Canada. At first I wanted it, and I tried to divide it into two states. And then I realized we'd be adding Montana basically for the Republicans, and electorally, like, a Texas for the Democrats, and I don't like that. But the fact that they don't want us to take them over makes me want to invade. I want to quench my imperialist thirst.
There it is. “The fact that they don’t want us to take them over makes me want to invade.” It’s like if there was a “Jeopardy!” for therapists and the category is “Things a rapey man might say.”
Hey, does everybody remember how Jesse Watters hooked up with his now-wife? Well, he was married to his last wife, and his new wife was a much younger employee at Fox News and he let the air out of her tires to trick her into getting into his car. He admitted this on live TV.
Maybe he was having an imperialist thirst that day.
Last night on his own show, Jesse interviewed Ontario Premier Doug Ford and told him it would be a “privilege to be taken over” by the United States. (And that’s today’s Daily Double on “Jeopardy!” for therapists!)
He told Ford “everybody else in the world” wants to be an American. (LOL.)
Jesse said these things before his interview with Ford began:
“I used to love the idea of gobbling up Canada. Vast energy reserves, doubling our geography, we’d never lose another Winter Olympics. But do we really want to add that many liberals to our population?” said Watters on Tuesday’s Jesse Watters Primetime. “I’d still like to add stars to our flag and Canada does seem ripe for the picking. Maybe we just take Saskatchewan and Alberta, because the fact that they don’t want to become part of America makes me want to make them.”
He even wants to invade the conservative Canadians without their consent.
When Ford came on, he gently explained that Canada is not for sale. Jesse Watters, because he apparently at some point absorbed lies about being a good and smart boy who can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth him, was so mad:
“You say this isn’t for sale, but everything has a price. The Million Dollar Man says that. Can you think of this more as a merger instead of an acquisition? Don’t think about being taken over, think about this as a coming together.”
But Canada still didn’t want to go home with America, even when Jesse said he wanted to merger it, not acquisition it.
“You say that Americans don’t have a problem with Canadians, and we don’t, but it seems like you have a problem with us, because if I were a citizen of another country and I was a neighbor of the United States, I would consider it a privilege to be taken over by the United States of America,” the Fox News host remarked. “That’s what everybody else in the world wants, American citizenship. For some reason, that’s repellant to you Canadians, and I find that personally offensive.”
And that’s your Final Jeopardy clue! Jesse Watters finds it personally offensive that Canada doesn’t want to go home with him! Ding ding ding! Did you wager it all and win all the money?
It’s such a surprise that this guy didn’t get invited to Thanksgiving at his nice mom’s house this year.
Ford explained again that Canadians are proud of being Canadian, and then we imagine he went and took a shower for a long time. Earlier this week, Ford offered in response to Donald Trump’s babbling about Canada that maybe instead Canada could buy Alaska and Minnesota. (Perhaps the one thing that could convince us to personally move to Minnesota, a place we love when the weather is tolerable.)
Elsewhere yesterday, outgoing Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said there wasn’t a “snowball’s chance in hell” Canada would ever become part of the United States.
Meanwhile this morning, Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum responded to Trump’s desire to rebrand the Gulf of Mexico as the “Gulf of America,” showing him what a map of Mexico looked like in 1607, and suggesting maybe the United States should be called “Mexican America,” or in Spanish, América Mexicana. “It sounds pretty, no?” she asked.
We’ll close with American-born Canadian Green Party leader Elizabeth May, who unleashed an epic rant a few days ago in response to all this. Did she tell Trump to go find one of his children’s history books and educate himself on how parliamentary democracies work, since he’s clearly such a raving fucking buffoon? She did. Did she counter-suggest maybe California, Oregon, and Washington might like to join Canada? She did, and oh we bet they might right about now.
Nice “world’s fifth largest economy” you’ve got there, Trump. Shame if it moved to Canada.
Enjoy!
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Seen on the C train today, a man runs in, sits down. Quickly followed by 2 cops. They surround him and say you gotta leave or we'll eject you. He started to argue but was assisted in standing up and escorted off the train with a cop on each arm. Next stop 3 firefighters in full gear were waiting on the platform. I think that's a full house in subway poker.
If they want to add stars, DC and PR are right there.