Jim Jordan Learns Being A Failure Isn’t Just A River In Egypt
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Jim Jordan Learns Being A Failure Isn’t Just A River In Egypt
Sorry, Jordan children! Father has brought SHAME.
BREAKING ACHTUNG. Jim Jordan has at this late hour decided he is NOT going through with a third day of ritually letting hundreds of people stomp on his dick on live C-SPAN.
He was expected to do that. We had guessed it was his hot kink.
But Jake Sherman reported a few minutes ago that Rep. David Joyce would instead be bringing up his bill to temporarily empower current (acting) Speaker Patrick McHenry for some extra months during the House Republican conference meeting this morning.
Minutes later, Sherman reported that Jim Jordan had donned the ceremonial cloak of loserdom and retreated into the crying masturbation chamber of tear-stained losers, out of which he will never re-emerge. Sherman didn’t put it exactly that way, because he doesn’t understand how to make journalism fun.
Now here’s what’s weird.
Axios reports that Jordan is not technically dropping his bid for the speakership. We guess he just thinks he’s going to try again in January, or maybe he wants to get his nuts stomped by all those people on C-SPAN when it’s really cold outside. Maybe that is his hot kink.
We guess we’ll see what happens next, and what kind of concessions the Democrats get out of McHenry for going along with this.
We’ll go ahead and include the livestream for the House convening at noon, to see what REALLY happens, if Joyce’s thingie passes, or what.
Failures, every goddamn one of ‘em.
But mostly Jim Jordan.
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Jim Jordan Learns Being A Failure Isn’t Just A River In Egypt
I look at Gym Jordan and wonder why he’s not rotting in prison for being an assistant groomer.
George Santos Declares Jim Jordan’s Identity Not Worth Stealing
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest setback to Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to be Speaker of the House, Rep. George Santos has declared the Ohio congressman’s identity “not worth stealing.”
Minutes after Jordan lost the first round of voting for Speaker, Santos took to the floor of the House and told his colleagues, “I would be embarrassed to use any credit card with Jim Jordan’s name on it.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I was no fan of Kevin McCarthy,” Santos went on. “But, when it came time to buy myself a new pair of Uggs, sure, I gave Kevin’s Amex a whirl.”
Jordan, Santos claimed, was “another story.”
“I would never in a million years steal Jim’s identity,” he said. “Pretending to be Jim Jordan, even for a minute, would leave me feeling unclean.”