George Santos Declares Jim Jordan’s Identity Not Worth Stealing
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest setback to Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to be Speaker of the House, Rep. George Santos has declared the Ohio congressman’s identity “not worth stealing.”
Minutes after Jordan lost the first round of voting for Speaker, Santos took to the floor of the House and told his colleagues, “I would be embarrassed to use any credit card with Jim Jordan’s name on it.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I was no fan of Kevin McCarthy,” Santos went on. “But, when it came time to buy myself a new pair of Uggs, sure, I gave Kevin’s Amex a whirl.”
Jordan, Santos claimed, was “another story.”
“I would never in a million years steal Jim’s identity,” he said. “Pretending to be Jim Jordan, even for a minute, would leave me feeling unclean.”
I was born in '68. The early stuff (Nixon/Watergate) are outside my baliwick, but JFC I remember everything from the hostage crisis, the air traffic controller firings, Iran arms for hostages, extrajudicial killings in El Salvador, cocaine money funding CIA operations in Central and South America, the US supplying arms to both Iran and Iraq, the US giving Iraq a greenlight to invade Kuwait, ... plenty of bad crap the Clinton admin pulled ... ... We are in an upside down totally unforeseeable world. I'm glad Biden is president, I wish Shumer had a pair, and I hope Dems retake the House in '24.
I was born 1956. It used to be that everyone remembered where they were when they heard JFK was shot. It still startles me sometimes to realize that most people nowadays don't remember that.
Fun fact: Nixon once said he didn't recall where he was when JFK was shot. This is particularly unlikely because he was in Dallas that day.
Joy Reid and Jamie Raskin on MSNBC were discussing a possibility that the Republicans WANT to keep the House speakerless so as to shut down the government.
I think that they really do want to “show the Dems” who’s boss thinking that a shut down will strong arm them into giving into their unreasonable demands. That will seriously backfire. Fed employees stop being paid all the way up to the military (in some cases). Let’s see how popular the Republicans will be in upcoming elections.
Members of congress should be subject to this too but they aren’t. You can bet if THAT were the case they’d finally do their jobs.
"Fed employees stop being paid all the way up to the military (in some cases)."
And think of the ripple-effect. All those people not getting paid will not be spending the money they are not getting. All the private contractors who will be laid off, "pending."
And those people will, hopefully, know it was the GOP who fomented all this craziness. I mean one would hope. We still see those nut jobs blaming the Democrats for not helping them install the village idiot so he could get on with fucking the country.
Concession 1: Hand purse springs over to Uncle Joe until new speaker is formally elected.
Concession 2: Sloppy Joe in the GOP mess hall is now Sloppy Crow
Concession 3: Matt Gaetz resigns for being a sex trafficker and Santos resigns for being a fraud and they will be replaced with two actual pachyderms whom McHenry must clean up the poop for and instead of a gavel he will be given a sand castle building shovel that he can also use to clean up the poops.
S.O. Republican P.- if what you are doing is not working, do it more, harder and louder, you only failed at first because you didn't try hard enough. Neither your tactics nor your goals could POSSIBLY be the problem, so don't waste time examining either for flaws. If other people do not give in to your demands, shout at them and insult them, that will break their spirit and they will do as you say.
What terrifies me is how many Repubs did vote for Jim Jordan, who is a monstrous choice in oh-so-many-ways.
Odd that Repubs go ballistic about imaginary pedophiles operating in non-existent pizza shop basement, but they have no problem with an actual pedophile enabler.
I really don't like this agreement. Democrats would need to receive a LOT. The worst thing about it is that Gym remains the nominated speaker and can continue lobbying for votes. I guess nobody else can lobby for votes? And isn't this just another form of election denial? Rather than accepting the outcome they manipulate the rules and let him have additional runs at it. I just don't like it.
I just got back from an errand and am now reading they have scrapped the McHenry plan and pushing for another vote. According to Massie that depends on Gym calling his wife; talking to the 22 against him; and talk to Qevin about the possibility of Qevin nominating him. Wtf if true.
At least some of Dems would be satisfied to just get work in the House done, but without an ambitious radical-righter in charge.
Of course, the radical-righters are still in charge of the Repubs, which is a problem. Maybe the Dems should demand that any single House member should be able to move to remove the Placeholder guy. It worked out so well with McCarthy.
I am waiting for the threats to be shown coming from his office now that lady got the popo in on it. Though that might have been part of the "deal" he accepted to shut up for abit
Not even trying to hide my glee at this. Jordan is a complete disgrace and an incompetent idiot, even for the GOP and deserves all the shame and ridicule and losing. I especially love that Hakim Jeffries got more speaker votes than Jordan.
Because they rightly see it as another Jordan power play - by not withdrawing his name as "designated Speaker nominee," he could spend those months as a shadow Speaker, and all while wheeling and dealing to make it permanent.
Well, seriously, McHenry should not be given additional temporary powers. If they're going to change the rules to allow an unelected Speaker do anything other than preside over the election of a new Speaker, they can certainly change the rules to allow the candidate that gets the plurality of votes cast be given the gavel.
The reality is that we are going to have a weapons-grade shitty garbage Speaker of the House regardless of which Republican gets the gavel.
The only way the McHenry thing is acceptable is if the Democrats demands are significant and not negotiable. This means McHenry's balls in a jar on Jeffries' desk, to be returned only after McHenry pushes the legislation (budget with no GOP priorities like abortion restrictions and defunding Trump investigations, plus full funding for Ukraine, etc) we need to move the country forward.
House Republicans Hold Emergency Meeting to See Who Has to Sit Next to Matt Gaetz
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Republicans have convened an emergency meeting to determine who must sit next to Representative Matt Gaetz going forward.
Members of the conference had hoped to take a week off after the gruelling ordeal of ousting Kevin McCarthy, but the matter of who would be forced to sit next to Gaetz “had to be settled,” one G.O.P. congressperson said.
“Colleagues have declared that, if they are required to sit next to Matt, they will retire from politics instead,” the legislator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “We could lose our majority over this.”
Republicans’ hopes that they had found a willing seatmate for Gaetz collapsed when Representative Lauren Boebert flatly refused the assignment.
I look at Gym Jordan and wonder why he’s not rotting in prison for being an assistant groomer.
You mean assistant rapist.
George Santos Declares Jim Jordan’s Identity Not Worth Stealing
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest setback to Rep. Jim Jordan’s bid to be Speaker of the House, Rep. George Santos has declared the Ohio congressman’s identity “not worth stealing.”
Minutes after Jordan lost the first round of voting for Speaker, Santos took to the floor of the House and told his colleagues, “I would be embarrassed to use any credit card with Jim Jordan’s name on it.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I was no fan of Kevin McCarthy,” Santos went on. “But, when it came time to buy myself a new pair of Uggs, sure, I gave Kevin’s Amex a whirl.”
Jordan, Santos claimed, was “another story.”
“I would never in a million years steal Jim’s identity,” he said. “Pretending to be Jim Jordan, even for a minute, would leave me feeling unclean.”
I look at Jacketless Gym and I think, every time: literal bonehead.
I was born in '68. The early stuff (Nixon/Watergate) are outside my baliwick, but JFC I remember everything from the hostage crisis, the air traffic controller firings, Iran arms for hostages, extrajudicial killings in El Salvador, cocaine money funding CIA operations in Central and South America, the US supplying arms to both Iran and Iraq, the US giving Iraq a greenlight to invade Kuwait, ... plenty of bad crap the Clinton admin pulled ... ... We are in an upside down totally unforeseeable world. I'm glad Biden is president, I wish Shumer had a pair, and I hope Dems retake the House in '24.
I was born 1961, RFK assassination and Watergate are my earliest political memories.
I was born 1956. It used to be that everyone remembered where they were when they heard JFK was shot. It still startles me sometimes to realize that most people nowadays don't remember that.
Fun fact: Nixon once said he didn't recall where he was when JFK was shot. This is particularly unlikely because he was in Dallas that day.
Joy Reid and Jamie Raskin on MSNBC were discussing a possibility that the Republicans WANT to keep the House speakerless so as to shut down the government.
Not sure if this is true, but it was interesting.
I think that they really do want to “show the Dems” who’s boss thinking that a shut down will strong arm them into giving into their unreasonable demands. That will seriously backfire. Fed employees stop being paid all the way up to the military (in some cases). Let’s see how popular the Republicans will be in upcoming elections.
Members of congress should be subject to this too but they aren’t. You can bet if THAT were the case they’d finally do their jobs.
"Fed employees stop being paid all the way up to the military (in some cases)."
And think of the ripple-effect. All those people not getting paid will not be spending the money they are not getting. All the private contractors who will be laid off, "pending."
And those people will, hopefully, know it was the GOP who fomented all this craziness. I mean one would hope. We still see those nut jobs blaming the Democrats for not helping them install the village idiot so he could get on with fucking the country.
First, Jordan going to the floor for votes
Second, Jordan wakes up on the floor, having been decked by reality
So much for "Mr Wrestler."
Chokeheld until he passed out
Concession 1: Hand purse springs over to Uncle Joe until new speaker is formally elected.
Concession 2: Sloppy Joe in the GOP mess hall is now Sloppy Crow
Concession 3: Matt Gaetz resigns for being a sex trafficker and Santos resigns for being a fraud and they will be replaced with two actual pachyderms whom McHenry must clean up the poop for and instead of a gavel he will be given a sand castle building shovel that he can also use to clean up the poops.
"crying masturbation chamber" - please, it's a masturbatorium.
and cry room
Ah, a Latin scholar.
Just read that Gym will meet with the 22 republicans who hate him at 4 pm.
Hopefully they come into the rooms with baseball bats.
Lots more who hate him but who put their political carreer ahead of their personal integrity.
He had them trapped in a room for several hours, now he wants to double down firming up their opposition?
S.O. Republican P.- if what you are doing is not working, do it more, harder and louder, you only failed at first because you didn't try hard enough. Neither your tactics nor your goals could POSSIBLY be the problem, so don't waste time examining either for flaws. If other people do not give in to your demands, shout at them and insult them, that will break their spirit and they will do as you say.
So bribes then?
Hahaha. Headline from the cnn live updates: House Republicans express frustration over disarray amid tense conference meeting.
Wait, what? CNN used "disarray" in a lede about Republicans? Surely this a a sign of the End Times. Buy canned goods.
What terrifies me is how many Repubs did vote for Jim Jordan, who is a monstrous choice in oh-so-many-ways.
Odd that Repubs go ballistic about imaginary pedophiles operating in non-existent pizza shop basement, but they have no problem with an actual pedophile enabler.
At this point Jordan's Christmas list must be a doozy. I wonder what he's asking Santa to bring him.
I really don't like this agreement. Democrats would need to receive a LOT. The worst thing about it is that Gym remains the nominated speaker and can continue lobbying for votes. I guess nobody else can lobby for votes? And isn't this just another form of election denial? Rather than accepting the outcome they manipulate the rules and let him have additional runs at it. I just don't like it.
I just got back from an errand and am now reading they have scrapped the McHenry plan and pushing for another vote. According to Massie that depends on Gym calling his wife; talking to the 22 against him; and talk to Qevin about the possibility of Qevin nominating him. Wtf if true.
At least some of Dems would be satisfied to just get work in the House done, but without an ambitious radical-righter in charge.
Of course, the radical-righters are still in charge of the Repubs, which is a problem. Maybe the Dems should demand that any single House member should be able to move to remove the Placeholder guy. It worked out so well with McCarthy.
don't see why no one else can lobby for votes?
At one point we had like 5 people wanting to be speaker didn't we?
yeah he should not have gone after the spouses
I am waiting for the threats to be shown coming from his office now that lady got the popo in on it. Though that might have been part of the "deal" he accepted to shut up for abit
Not even trying to hide my glee at this. Jordan is a complete disgrace and an incompetent idiot, even for the GOP and deserves all the shame and ridicule and losing. I especially love that Hakim Jeffries got more speaker votes than Jordan.
Lol the clown caucus can't even agree on giving McHenry additional temporary powers. What a bunch of fuckwumpets.
Because they rightly see it as another Jordan power play - by not withdrawing his name as "designated Speaker nominee," he could spend those months as a shadow Speaker, and all while wheeling and dealing to make it permanent.
Well, seriously, McHenry should not be given additional temporary powers. If they're going to change the rules to allow an unelected Speaker do anything other than preside over the election of a new Speaker, they can certainly change the rules to allow the candidate that gets the plurality of votes cast be given the gavel.
if at first you don't succeed, cheat, cheat, cheat
And then what? Immediately vacate Jeffries the second he wins? Or accidentally elect Jordan? Those are the only two realistic outcomes.
re: vacating, the rules should be reverted back to previous, to make it difficult to do.
re: Jordan, would he really get more votes than Jeffries next time?
If there was a prospect of Jeffries winning it might tip him over the edge.
The reality is that we are going to have a weapons-grade shitty garbage Speaker of the House regardless of which Republican gets the gavel.
The only way the McHenry thing is acceptable is if the Democrats demands are significant and not negotiable. This means McHenry's balls in a jar on Jeffries' desk, to be returned only after McHenry pushes the legislation (budget with no GOP priorities like abortion restrictions and defunding Trump investigations, plus full funding for Ukraine, etc) we need to move the country forward.
I just imagine McHenry sitting in the corner while they scream at each other about him like he's not there.
Oh Matt Gaetz is on TV saying that the chaos is good and he's draining the swamp and actually this is really great.
I want to [redacted] that oleaginous fiveheaded fuck with [redacted]
House Republicans Hold Emergency Meeting to See Who Has to Sit Next to Matt Gaetz
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Republicans have convened an emergency meeting to determine who must sit next to Representative Matt Gaetz going forward.
Members of the conference had hoped to take a week off after the gruelling ordeal of ousting Kevin McCarthy, but the matter of who would be forced to sit next to Gaetz “had to be settled,” one G.O.P. congressperson said.
“Colleagues have declared that, if they are required to sit next to Matt, they will retire from politics instead,” the legislator, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said. “We could lose our majority over this.”
Republicans’ hopes that they had found a willing seatmate for Gaetz collapsed when Representative Lauren Boebert flatly refused the assignment.
Considering how many Republicans this makes look like jackasses, including himself, he is not wrong exactly
Republicans showing their asses to other republicans and forcing the press to not both sides things is pretty great to me!
Does he know how nasty a drained swamp is?
Ooh, let's guess! "Bodypack" and "ravenous ferrets"?
I jest. That would be cruel.
To the ferrets.