I, John Roberts, Swear To The American People That We Do Not Hate Them

Chief Justice John Roberts would like to set the record straight.

 “It has become a disturbing feature of some recent opinions to criticize the decisions with which they disagree as going beyond the proper role of the judiciary,” he wrote, adding that reasonable minds could disagree about the majority’s reasoning but that “we do not mistake this plainly heartfelt disagreement for disparagement. It is important that the public not be misled either. Any such misperception would be harmful to this institution and our country.” 

 — On John Roberts's majority decision in Biden, President of the United States et al. v. Nebraska, et al. 

My fellow Americans, I have heard disturbing reports that some of you may not like the rulings full of baby-brained reasoning and “what in the fuck is this gobbledygook” logic that we have been handing down from the Supreme Court. Many of you have accused us of being an “unelected, unaccountable super-legislature” and “partisan hacks” and a “black-robed junta straight out of a Costa-Gavras movie.”

It has also come to my attention that many of you may think we make these decisions that will affect and shape the lives of millions of you in an atmosphere of less-than-total comity, that we have been anything other than decent and collegial with each other in the process of screwing over gay people , student-loan borrowers , Black would-be college students , innocent people who have been wrongly imprisoned for decades, and who knows who else, even I can’t keep track of it all and I wrote some of these decisions.

But to imply we have committed this screwing while not politely smiling at each other and having lunch together and putting together our fantasy baseball league is a calumny and a slander of the Court that hurts our institutional legitimacy and our nation in a way that, say, turning America’s wetlands into golf courses and stock-car tracks never could.

Yes, there are occasionally raised voices in your conference room, as is to be expected when great intellects debate complex constitutional questions. But it is absolutely untrue that Justice Alito ended one recent argument by zinging a bust of Salmon Chase at Justice Sotomayor’s head. We were simply having a spirited debate about abortion rights.

The recent report that Justice Gorsuch has angered the female justices with his constant mansplaining are also untrue. I can assure you the female justices respect Justice Gorsuch’s opinions and appreciate his efforts to better their understanding of the Constitution. Justice Barrett even had her seven children bake brownies for him as a show of gratitude.

There have also been reports of Justice Kavanaugh pantsing Justice Kagan in the cafeteria in front of all the clerks and support staff recently in retaliation for her reading her blistering Nebraska dissent from the bench. I can assure you nothing could be further from the truth. The pantsing was simply a fun practical joke of the sort colleagues will often play on each other to liven up a workday.

Justice Kavanaugh is particularly enthusiastic about these pranks. He’s our little class clown!

There is zero — let me repeat, zero — truth to the recent story that the liberal justices have repeatedly begged the rest of us to show even “a sliver of humanity or awareness of what life is like for people whose family incomes do not total over seven figures a year,” or that Justice Alito responded to this request by cackling like Boris Karloff and drinking a glass of wine from a goblet made from the skull of a baby polar bear. We have a strict “no alcohol allowed in chambers” policy.

It is entirely untrue that Justice Jackson told Clarence Thomas she would “snatch you baldheaded” after Justice Thomas belittled her in his dissent in our recent affirmative action case. Justice Jackson was just being playful. She’s quite the office flirt!

Justice Thomas did not, as widely reported, respond to Justice Jackson’s lighthearted teasing by screaming at her in the gym, “I’m Justice Clarence Thomas, goddammit! I was properly interpreting the Constitution when you were still moping around crying ‘cause nobody asked you to prom! You and your damn history lessons, writing like I didn’t go to Yale Law School. You will respect me, you will respect my entirely always correct opinions, and you will damn sure respect my foot in your ass the next time you sass me, girl!”

Reports that Justice Jackson responded by saying, “Don’t call me ‘girl,’ you creepy-ass billionaire fucker” are just completely made up. I honestly don’t know where they get this stuff.

The story of Justice Kavanaugh putting thumbtacks on Justice Kagan’s office chair is complete bullshit. Thumbtacks hurt. It was a whoopee cushion, and it was on the chair she uses when we are in conference.

Again, I cannot stress enough how harmful it is to suggest that there is dissension amongst the justices as we pursue our work of making life significantly more miserable for millions and millions of you. These are simply principled debates completely divorced from our feelings of fellowship for each other. We are but automatons devoid of all emotion, incapable of hating our fellow man or woman, so long as that man or woman is the type to have good opera seats.

Hey, we're still letting you have democracy or the illusion thereof , aren't we?

Sincerely in friendship,

John Roberts, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

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