Judge Dropkicks Trump's 'Major Motion' For WTF Even Is This Sh*t?

There was an attempt ... sort of.

Hello, 911, I'd like to report a murder.

PAPERLESS ORDER: The Court is in receipt of 1 Plaintiff's Motion for Judicial Oversight and Additional Relief. To facilitate appropriate resolution, on or before August 26, 2022, Plaintiff shall file a supplement to the Motion further elaborating on the following: (1) the asserted basis for the exercise of this Court's jurisdiction, whether legal, equitable/anomalous, or both; (2) the framework applicable to the exercise of such jurisdiction; (3) the precise relief sought, including any request for injunctive relief pending resolution of the Motion; (4) the effect, if any, of the proceeding before Magistrate Judge Bruce E. Reinhart; and (5) the status of Plaintiff's efforts to perfect service on Defendant. Signed by Judge Aileen M. Cannon on 8/23/2022.

That would be a deeply unimpressed federal judge telling Donald Trump's hapless lawyers to go back and reshape the misbegotten pile of word vomit they dumped on her docket into something resembling a legal pleading. It was issued in response to the "major motion pertaining to the Fourth Amendment" filed Monday, just two short weeks after the FBI executed a search warrant at Mar-a-Lago to retrieve property belonging to the US government.

Because US District Judge Aileen Cannon may be a Trump appointee, but she's not a fucking idiot.

To review, Donald Trump, who would be the world's worst client even if he paid his bills, finds himself in serious legal jeopardy and unable to hire experienced lawyers . To all appearances, the Justice Department tried to allow the former president to quietly return the stuff he stole, even the classified documents. And yet, for 18 straight months, he refused . So now he's marching into court screeching gobbledygook like a lunatic, because sowing is fun, but reaping's kind of a bitch.

To be fair, while Trump's local counsel Lindsey Halligan's area of expertise appears to be landlord-tenant disputes , Trump's other attorneys on this motion are Jim Trusty and Evan Corcoran , both experienced white collar practitioners. It's inexplicable that they would put their names on such a piece of garbage filing . And yet, they did!

So, unpacking this order from Judge Cannon ...

“All the people saying “OMG why is the judge helping Trump?” That is not what a federal judge helping you looks like. That is a federal judge conveying, in law-talk, “can you have someone who isn’t a total dipshit rewrite this until it’s a thing.””

— EnoughTreesHat (@EnoughTreesHat) 1661291122 

"The asserted basis for the exercise of this Court's jurisdiction" would be where in law it says that Judge Cannon's courtroom is the right place for Trump to bring his grievances. "The framework applicable to the exercise of such jurisdiction" would be statutes or precedents to give Judge Cannon a means to evaluate the request — something that was noticeably lacking in the motion. When she asks for clarity for "the precise relief sought," she's saying essentially, "what the fuck are you even asking me for here?" The question about "the effect, if any, of the proceeding before Magistrate Judge Bruce E. Reinhart" is a very pointed inquiry as to why Trump spent the last two weeks with his thumb up his ass and didn't ask Judge Reinhart, who issued the warrant, to impose a Special Master between the DOJ and the seized documents. And the query about "the status of Plaintiff's efforts to perfect service on Defendant" is a none-too-subtle reminder that you have to actually serve the opposing party before the court will give you anything at all.

But other than that, you're doing great, sweetie! Can't wait to see what you come up with Friday.

[ Trump v. United States , Docket via Court Listener]

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