Kash Patel Can't Stop C*ckblocking Criminal Investigations By Posting About Them

Man, try to not talk for five minutes.

Kash Patel immersed in the investigation.

Surprised-pikachu poop ghoul Kash Patel has shot his wad too soon again. It’s a common problem for middle-aged boozehounds, we’ve heard, when they aren’t suffering from whiskey dick.

On Tuesday, Patel announced on the Site Formerly Known as Twitter that he had arrested a bunch of dudes who planned to attack Donald Trump’s UFC birthday extravaganza on the White House lawn this past weekend. And by “he” we mean a whole bunch of people who are not Kash Patel, law enforcement officers doing the legwork while his security detail couldn’t peel him off the floor of his bathroom where he had landed in a puddle of his own Budweiser-scented vomit. (We are guessing.)

The problem with Patel’s tweet bragging about the arrests was that whoops, not all the suspects were in custody yet. Old Bug-Eyed Kash had gotten out ahead of the rest of federal law enforcement with the announcement. Now federal law enforcement is reportedly pissed at him for making their jobs harder.

From NBC News:

Secret Service officials are angered that FBI Director Kash Patel prematurely announced on Tuesday the details of a largely sealed and ongoing criminal investigation[.]

The Secret Service had partnered with Patel’s own FBI for this investigation. They had hoped to announce the arrests and unseal the indictments on Tuesday afternoon. But wouldn’t you know it, the case was still sealed and there were still around 10 suspects who hadn’t been arrested yet. Presumably they have now all lawyered up, which will make the ongoing investigation harder.

The deputy director of the Secret Service, Matt Quinn, made a point of noting that his agency “made a conscious decision not to reveal the existence of the probe prematurely.” What Quinn apparently didn’t count on is Kash Patel’s boundless need for pats on the head from the president and his paranoia that he’s getting fired at any moment.

This isn’t the first time Patel has pulled this move. He did it last September after Charlie Kirk was shot to death. Within a few hours, Patel tweeted that the FBI had arrested the shooter. An hour and a half later, he posted that the same suspect had been interrogated and released after law enforcement determined he had nothing to do with the crime. Senior law enforcement officials — the people who were actually doing the work while Patel was preening in front of who knows how many mirrors — were reportedly pissed.

Even Trump was reportedly pissed that Patel, in his sweaty desire to be a MAGA hero, had jumped the gun on that one.

Is THIS The Charlie Kirk Shooter, This Time?

Golly Darnit, Did Kash Patel Mess It All Up AGAIN?

Because learning your lesson is woke, Patel pulled the same move again three months later, after someone shot up a classroom at Brown University and killed two people. That time, acting on a tip from Patel, Trump himself posted that a suspect was in custody. Then he had to walk it back.

In a normal job, you embarrass your boss that badly and publicly twice in three months, and you aren’t going to have a job much longer. But Trump will tolerate all sorts of incompetence so long as his ass is still getting kissed up one cheek and down the other. And if we have learned anything about Kash Patel, he’s a champion ass-kisser.

As for the actual case, we are taking everything we’re reading with a salt mine’s worth of salt. Maybe these too-online incels really were taking concrete steps to fly drones loaded with explosives onto the White House lawn while posting snipers nearby to pick off panicked VIPs, all in the name of protesting America being taken over by Jeffrey Epstein’s co-conspirators.

Or maybe they were a couple of yahoos in Riverside, California — and if you know California, you know this is about as Riverside as Riverside gets — who have been playing too much Call of Duty: Black Ops and now think they are a trained kill squad.

The plot apparently came to the government’s attention when the mother of one of the alleged conspirators, a 19-year-old kid who still lives with his parents, overheard her son talking about spending $3,000 he’d gotten for graduating high school on guns and tactical vests and called the feds. You just know these guys were yammering at each other about opsec, and here they came undone because one of them didn’t make sure his mom was out of the house while he was yammering with other conspirators on the phone about all the guns and explosives they were buying.

Pretty solid stuff here! No wonder Patel was determined to be the first one to tell Daddy that he had saved Daddy’s life. Now he definitely should get one of those cool FBI raid jackets in a man’s size.

[NBC News / ABC7]

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